n3m3sis43: ((FMAB) Huuuughes and Winryyyy)
[personal profile] n3m3sis43
Your voice haunts me; it has since the first time I heard it.

I remember a car ride, my husband driving me and our then-toddler son to a picnic. The whole way there, you spoke to me in low, honeyed whispers. Your words flowed through me, and I had no choice but to take them down, tapping them out on my phone with fumbling fingers.

Back then, your words wove their way into my dreams and woke me each day before dawn. My own words were never enough, though I heard you as clearly as if you were standing beside me. I’d lock myself up in my office for hours on end, desperate to capture your essence on the page.

It wasn’t a labor of love, though I romanticize it now. Bent over my desk, my back in knots, I carried your tension, your shame, your self-loathing. Your story consumed me, and I hated you for it. My husband wasn’t happy. I was depressed, he said, hiding in my writing.

He gave me an ultimatum: Get help or I’ll leave. I tried.

The therapist found me “fascinating.” I told her about you, and exactly what part of my psyche you represented. It’s not unusual, apparently, for trauma survivors to separate themselves from their emotions this way, but it’s uncommon for them to have so much insight into the process.

I could feel you rolling your eyes.

Blah blah blah, you said, but you did your best to cooperate.

A few weeks in, you even finally let me give her your name, not that she could ever remember it. She always called you “that angry one,” as though that were in any way an accurate descriptor. I never told her what a privilege it was to know your name at all. Names have power, you know.

It was a power I shouldn’t have given her. When she suggested medication, I feared it would make me stop hearing you. She said that wasn’t how antidepressants worked. Besides, she asked, wasn’t I willing to risk a change in my writing process in order to be healthy?

I didn’t give a damn about being healthy -- but you did.

Take the fucking pills, you said. It’ll be okay.

It wasn’t.

Years later, the marriage I sacrificed you to save is ending anyway. The son who babbled in the back seat while you told me those first fragments of your story -- he hates me, and I can’t say I blame him for that. I spend too much time away from him, too much time straining to make out what’s left of your voice. My words were never enough to capture it.

They’ll never be enough to convey how much I miss you, Devin.


Date: 2017-03-06 05:54 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] bleodswean.livejournal.com
*HUGS* This is heart-rending and beautifully written.

Date: 2017-03-10 08:43 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] n3m3sis43.livejournal.com
Thank you. <3 I hate writing personal stuff, lol.

Date: 2017-03-06 06:17 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] theun4givables.livejournal.com
<3 <3 <3

I know how hard this was for you to write. I'm so proud of you, though, because I think you really needed to explore this.

I love the last line and it made me cry. Quite a bit, actually. Had to pretend I wasn't crying earlier when asking Nick for something because that line hit me hard so I can only imagine how it hit you. <3

(and I teared up again while rereading this at work, heh -- the last line really does drive your pain home)
Edited Date: 2017-03-06 06:22 pm (UTC)

Date: 2017-03-06 08:57 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] beldarzfixon.livejournal.com
Hat's off to you for writing this, and not just because it looks like a companion-piece to my entry. Can definitely sense the pain here.

Date: 2017-03-06 10:35 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] i-17bingo.livejournal.com
This is kind of chilling. The pain and frustration really come through here.

Date: 2017-03-07 02:59 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] dmousey.livejournal.com
Oh God I wish I could hug you. Remember we love you, and NO- your son does NOT hate you. That is your own guilt and insecurity talking. He may be angry you aren't there as often as he'd like, but trust me- he doesn't hate you. Silly mommy.

Again, we love you and you are strong. Hugs and peace kiddo. <3

Date: 2017-03-07 03:52 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] mac-arthur-park.livejournal.com
Oh. My. Gods.

So amazing and powerful.

Date: 2017-03-07 11:03 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] eternal-ot.livejournal.com
This is amazing! The struggle, the pain, the epiphany all captured so well.Only writers will understand this <3 *Hugs* Hope Devin speaks to you again and I am happy to see you back :)

Date: 2017-03-07 07:21 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] kajel.livejournal.com
Oh, hugs honey. This was such a powerful piece.

Date: 2017-03-07 08:15 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] halfshellvenus.livejournal.com
:( :( Oh, no. This is such awful news.

There are a lot of different anti-depressants, and if seems as if this wasn't the quite one-- in all respects.

I'm so sorry this is where things have landed. :(

Date: 2017-03-07 10:56 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] wildrose.livejournal.com
I don't know you so I cannot claim to exactly know what you have gone through but it is obvious from this piece that there has been a lot of pain and suffering in your life (and maybe still is).

There is nothing I can say that wouldn't sound like a platitude so I am just leaving big *HUGS*

Date: 2017-03-09 03:16 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] magazhchi.livejournal.com
Wow! I am sorry to know that your personal life suffered because of your muse. But you have written this so well. *Hugs*

Date: 2017-03-10 02:17 am (UTC)
From: [identity profile] karmasoup.livejournal.com
I wish she could have understood better what he was doing for you... In many ways, he was your therapy. I'm sorry she effectively erased him... Perhaps some say you will find him again when he will fulfill a different need in life for you.

Date: 2017-03-10 04:00 pm (UTC)
From: [identity profile] d0gs.livejournal.com
this is gut wrenching, but beautifully written.

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