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Appropriation
I'm standing in front of a gaping ravine. It's the same one I climbed down just before I saw Daisuke for the last time. For a moment I'm filled with relief - I've finally made it back. If I can just get back down there, I can bring him home. The descent will be much harder without the traveler to help me, but I'll manage.
As I reach for the coil of rope that's tied to my belt, I notice my hands.
Am I dreaming?
The world begins to dissolve around me; I scream in disappointment.
* * * * *
I open my eyes to sunlight filtering through the blinds. Rolling over, I pull the covers up to block it out. Then I remember, and I tear my hands free. Staring at them, I try to swallow the rising panic.
Not dreaming.
Ever hopeful, I glance at the clock. 8 am. I rub my eyes and look again. The glowing blue numerals are implacable. Still 8 am.
I'm sorry, Daisuke. I've failed you again.
Hot tears sting my eyes and I bury my face in my pillow. Ever since I left him in the story world, I've been trying to get back to that ravine. So far, my failures have been spectacular. Writing myself back into the story hasn't worked - with each botched attempt, I've lost a little more control. The last time was the worst. Even the memory makes me shudder.
I am floating in an immense blackness. Though my throat tenses with ripping screams, no sound reaches my ears. The air is thick and viscous; it fills my lungs and chokes away my voice. My body convulses in silent agony. I'm drowning again, like the swimming pool on the day I lost Daisuke. A calm steals over me and my muscles relax.
That's the last thing I remember. Since then, I've stopped writing. The injuries I've brought back from the story world seem real enough. What would happen if I died there? I want more than anything to save my best friend, but I can't do that if I'm dead.
Waves of dizziness wash over me as I sit up and get out of bed. I'm not sure when I ate last. Food isn't appealing, but it's a necessity if I want to keep going. I'm about to head for the kitchen when the flashing light on my cell phone catches my eye. Some days I forget to charge the damn thing. I don't get many calls since Daisuke's been gone. Today, though, there's a text message waiting. It's from Daisuke's friend Andrew.
Hey Sam, you seen Daisuke lately? He hasn't been returning my calls.
It's like I've been punched in the stomach. Breakfast forgotten, I crawl back under the covers and cry.
* * * * *
The vast blue sky stretches out before me. Below it is the ravine. I'm standing in front of it again, looking down into the tangle of stunted black trees. The climb will be treacherous, but I've done it before. I can do it again.
At least I finally made it back here. I can save Daisuke.
Then I remember. I look down at my hands.
Am I dreaming?
The scenery begins to swim and fade, but I catch myself.
Wait! Stay in the dream.
I rub my hands together, focus on palm meeting palm. The swirling grayness resolves once more into a landscape. The sky brightens to a too-deep blue and the dust swirls in my face. Once more, I'm staring into that damnable ravine.
I did it!
Triumph washes over me, and the color bleeds out of the world. Just like that, it shimmers and disappears.
* * * * *
By now it's automatic; my hands come up in front of my face.
In the dark, I focus on their outlines. Though I already know I've failed, I glance at the clock. 5 am. I look away and then back; the numbers taunt me. Still 5 am. Bitter disappointment creeps up into my throat like bile.
I always dream of the ravine now - ever since I stopped writing.
Stretching, I get out of bed and brew a pot of coffee. My hair hangs lank and greasy in my eyes, and I brush it away. I consider a shower, but decide it's pointless - I never see anyone these days anyway. Instead, I sit down at my computer. Opening my email, I see a message from a member of the dream forum I frequent.
Hey Sam,
I hear your frustration. You want to master lucid dreaming right now, but just remember it takes time. The fact that you're already remembering to look at your hands in the dream is a great sign! Doing those "reality checks" is the best way to tell if you're asleep or awake. Recognizing that you're dreaming is the beginning of lucidity. You've even managed to extend the dream state a bit by focusing on a physical action. Now you just have to keep at it!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Pushing too hard will just hold you back. Remember, you've got the rest of your life to learn this!
- Dave
The words are meant to be encouraging, but they bring me to tears. Maybe Dave had the rest of his life, but I don't. I have to master these techniques now so I can adapt them for use in the story world. If I do that, I can save Daisuke - and if I can't, it's not worth doing anything else.
* * * * *
I'm standing at the edge of the ravine, just like a million times before. Behind it stretches that great expanse of too-blue sky. Without even thinking, I lift my hands and study them.
Dreaming again.
This time, I catch myself before the realization distracts me. I rub my hands together. Colors remain as brilliant as ever. The landscape does not blur or fade.
Yes!
Joy overtakes me; I'm finally getting the hang of this! A single moment of happiness is all it takes for me to lose my grip. The scenery fades away before I can stop it.
* * * * *
I wake to the quiet of my room once again. It is dim but not black; the sun must be coming up. My hands are in front of my face. I look at them and my heart sinks.
So close, but I failed again.
Choking back tears, I look at the clock. The blue digits flash a silent accusation. 6:13 am. Knowing there's no point, I close my eyes and re-open them. 6:07 am.
What?
I turn away and back again. The clock says 4:18 am now.
Still dreaming.
I'm rubbing my hands together, trying to stave off the rush of emotion. The scene changes. It's that damned ravine again, but I don't even have to check my hands this time to know I'm still in the dream. Taking deep breaths, I concentrate on staying calm.
Try something else now. If it's a dream, you can fly.
I don't give the fear a chance to take over. Instead, I back away from the chasm so I can get a running start. Then without another thought, I charge toward the ravine. When I reach the edge, I spread my arms and leap.
For a moment I'm falling. And then...
I'm airborne. There is no way to describe this feeling. Something is welling up inside me and I don't have words to explain what it is. I'm suffused with joy and light. The air is rushing past me and tears are streaming from my eyes. I've never felt so free.
I am in control.
Daisuke, I'm coming to find you.
As I reach for the coil of rope that's tied to my belt, I notice my hands.
Am I dreaming?
The world begins to dissolve around me; I scream in disappointment.
I open my eyes to sunlight filtering through the blinds. Rolling over, I pull the covers up to block it out. Then I remember, and I tear my hands free. Staring at them, I try to swallow the rising panic.
Not dreaming.
Ever hopeful, I glance at the clock. 8 am. I rub my eyes and look again. The glowing blue numerals are implacable. Still 8 am.
I'm sorry, Daisuke. I've failed you again.
Hot tears sting my eyes and I bury my face in my pillow. Ever since I left him in the story world, I've been trying to get back to that ravine. So far, my failures have been spectacular. Writing myself back into the story hasn't worked - with each botched attempt, I've lost a little more control. The last time was the worst. Even the memory makes me shudder.
I am floating in an immense blackness. Though my throat tenses with ripping screams, no sound reaches my ears. The air is thick and viscous; it fills my lungs and chokes away my voice. My body convulses in silent agony. I'm drowning again, like the swimming pool on the day I lost Daisuke. A calm steals over me and my muscles relax.
That's the last thing I remember. Since then, I've stopped writing. The injuries I've brought back from the story world seem real enough. What would happen if I died there? I want more than anything to save my best friend, but I can't do that if I'm dead.
Waves of dizziness wash over me as I sit up and get out of bed. I'm not sure when I ate last. Food isn't appealing, but it's a necessity if I want to keep going. I'm about to head for the kitchen when the flashing light on my cell phone catches my eye. Some days I forget to charge the damn thing. I don't get many calls since Daisuke's been gone. Today, though, there's a text message waiting. It's from Daisuke's friend Andrew.
Hey Sam, you seen Daisuke lately? He hasn't been returning my calls.
It's like I've been punched in the stomach. Breakfast forgotten, I crawl back under the covers and cry.
The vast blue sky stretches out before me. Below it is the ravine. I'm standing in front of it again, looking down into the tangle of stunted black trees. The climb will be treacherous, but I've done it before. I can do it again.
At least I finally made it back here. I can save Daisuke.
Then I remember. I look down at my hands.
Am I dreaming?
The scenery begins to swim and fade, but I catch myself.
Wait! Stay in the dream.
I rub my hands together, focus on palm meeting palm. The swirling grayness resolves once more into a landscape. The sky brightens to a too-deep blue and the dust swirls in my face. Once more, I'm staring into that damnable ravine.
I did it!
Triumph washes over me, and the color bleeds out of the world. Just like that, it shimmers and disappears.
By now it's automatic; my hands come up in front of my face.
In the dark, I focus on their outlines. Though I already know I've failed, I glance at the clock. 5 am. I look away and then back; the numbers taunt me. Still 5 am. Bitter disappointment creeps up into my throat like bile.
I always dream of the ravine now - ever since I stopped writing.
Stretching, I get out of bed and brew a pot of coffee. My hair hangs lank and greasy in my eyes, and I brush it away. I consider a shower, but decide it's pointless - I never see anyone these days anyway. Instead, I sit down at my computer. Opening my email, I see a message from a member of the dream forum I frequent.
Hey Sam,
I hear your frustration. You want to master lucid dreaming right now, but just remember it takes time. The fact that you're already remembering to look at your hands in the dream is a great sign! Doing those "reality checks" is the best way to tell if you're asleep or awake. Recognizing that you're dreaming is the beginning of lucidity. You've even managed to extend the dream state a bit by focusing on a physical action. Now you just have to keep at it!
Try not to be so hard on yourself. Pushing too hard will just hold you back. Remember, you've got the rest of your life to learn this!
- Dave
The words are meant to be encouraging, but they bring me to tears. Maybe Dave had the rest of his life, but I don't. I have to master these techniques now so I can adapt them for use in the story world. If I do that, I can save Daisuke - and if I can't, it's not worth doing anything else.
I'm standing at the edge of the ravine, just like a million times before. Behind it stretches that great expanse of too-blue sky. Without even thinking, I lift my hands and study them.
Dreaming again.
This time, I catch myself before the realization distracts me. I rub my hands together. Colors remain as brilliant as ever. The landscape does not blur or fade.
Yes!
Joy overtakes me; I'm finally getting the hang of this! A single moment of happiness is all it takes for me to lose my grip. The scenery fades away before I can stop it.
I wake to the quiet of my room once again. It is dim but not black; the sun must be coming up. My hands are in front of my face. I look at them and my heart sinks.
So close, but I failed again.
Choking back tears, I look at the clock. The blue digits flash a silent accusation. 6:13 am. Knowing there's no point, I close my eyes and re-open them. 6:07 am.
What?
I turn away and back again. The clock says 4:18 am now.
Still dreaming.
I'm rubbing my hands together, trying to stave off the rush of emotion. The scene changes. It's that damned ravine again, but I don't even have to check my hands this time to know I'm still in the dream. Taking deep breaths, I concentrate on staying calm.
Try something else now. If it's a dream, you can fly.
I don't give the fear a chance to take over. Instead, I back away from the chasm so I can get a running start. Then without another thought, I charge toward the ravine. When I reach the edge, I spread my arms and leap.
For a moment I'm falling. And then...
I'm airborne. There is no way to describe this feeling. Something is welling up inside me and I don't have words to explain what it is. I'm suffused with joy and light. The air is rushing past me and tears are streaming from my eyes. I've never felt so free.
I am in control.
Daisuke, I'm coming to find you.