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Taking Care Of Business
"Devin, wake up!" He's fucking bouncing as he throws himself on my bed.
"Nuh uh." Don't want to get out of bed.
I am awake, have been for an hour or so. Don't want to get up, though. Feel even worse than usual in the morning. Head pounding. Kinda dizzy, too. What'd I do last night? Nothing. Came home from work like always. Was tired. Went to bed early. No "research", no "friends", just sleep. Don't remember if I even had fucking dinner.
"You've gotta get up!" Wes chirps. "We've got a mission and breakfast is ready and I made bacon and we're supposed to leave soon and you haven't even showered yet and - " He keeps talking. Words kinda fucking blur together after a while.
"Don't wanna." I croak. Fucking hurts to talk, and my voice sounds all weird, too.
Fucking work, man. People in my office sneezing and coughing, bringing their germs around everyone else. The fuck? Can't they take sick time? Fucking disgusting. I sprayed everything with Germ-X, even set up a sanitizing laser perimeter around my workstation. Guess it didn't work, but I'm not about to admit I'm sick. Not when there's a mission today - a mission I planned.
"Devin?" Wes is looking me funny now. "You okay, dude?"
"Yeah, man." I sneeze so hard I think I see Wes's hair blowing. "I'm fucking fantabulous."
"No you're not!" Wes protests. "Devin, are you sick?"
"Not fucking sick," I manage in between more sneezes.
Kinda ridiculous, and I fucking know it. But I'm never sick and I don't want Wes to make a fuss. All I want to do is sleep, maybe watch some vids. Can't do that anyway, though. We've got a fucking mission.
"Devin, dude, you can't even really breathe, and you can barely talk, either." Wes grabs me, hugs me too hard. Not helping with the whole breathing thing, but I don't complain. "You need to get some rest," he says as he leaves.
I want to follow him, tell him I'm fucking fine. Too much effort. Close my eyes instead.
"Hey, Devin?" Kalen's voice. "You awake? Wes says you're sick."
"Not fucking sick." I open my eyes. Blink. Sneeze a few more times.
"Uh, yeah. I can tell." Kalen backs away a few steps. Can't say I blame him - don't like germs either. "I wanted to know if we could use the car for the mission today. Wes and Calla said we're supposed to walk, but - "
I hold up a hand, cut him off. No way are they driving to that hangar. Not gonna put Wes at risk like that. "No driving. Too big a security risk. Not many cars out there, so it's too easy to be - " Hard to talk with this fucking tickle in my throat. Guess I'll just sit here and hack up a lung instead. Fucking awesome. Glare at Kalen and shake my head.
Kalen backs away from me even further. He's got this pouty fucking look on his face like he wants to argue, but I don't think he's gonna. Think he'd rather get out of here before I give him the plague. "So, um, we're heading out in a few minutes - we'll call you if we run into any problems. Oh, and I brought you some cold medicine - stuff works wonders. Bye now!" He sets some pills down on my bedside table. All but runs from the room.
Laughing's fucking painful, but I can't help doing it anyway. Kalen repellent - almost worth being sick. Almost, but not quite. Everything hurts, and not in the good way. My eyes fall on my table, on the medicine Kalen left me. Don't like fucking pills, but one won't be a problem, right? Just enough to make me sleep. Not like last time at all.
Better not be like last time. That's the last thing I think as I fall asleep.
When I wake up, I feel better - way fucking better. Pretty sure that medicine's kicked in, because I can kinda breathe and I feel... happy. Really fucking happy. Is this what it feels like to be Wes? Wonder if I'm gonna start groping myself next.
Might as well take a shower while this lasts. Can't stand being fucking grungy. Feel kinda loopy as I walk down the hall. Walking feels weird. Whole body feels kinda... weightless. Weightless and heavy at the same time. How's that even fucking possible? Have to focus just to make it down the hall. The fuck is in this medicine?
Don't know how long my shower lasts, but it's the best one I've ever had. Everything feels fucking amazing.
Put on clean pajamas when I'm done, head for my room. Hall is weird - it's like I'm too big for it all of a sudden. It's even harder to walk straight now than it was before. Kinda hard to stand up at all, so I lie down on my bed. Want to listen to music, so I put on some of that dance stuff Wes likes so much. Don't even like dance music, but it makes me smile now. Makes me think of Wes.
Music sounds kinda crazy, like it's more real than usual. Like there's a band playing it right here in my room. Do they even need real bands to make this kind of music? Thought it was all done with CompuPanels and stuff. Should ask Wes sometime. Not now, because he's busy with the mission. Kinda miss him. Wonder if he misses me.
My vision's getting all fucked up - everything's funny and doubled. Kinda makes me dizzy, so I close my eyes. Way better. Still feel weird, though. All these colors behind my eyes, moving in time with the music. Music fucking fills me, glowing and warm and complete. Like I'm filled with light. Not fucking normal, but I kinda don't mind. Feel warm. Fucking safe. Completely at peace.
I start to feel like I'm floating. Not even sure I'm in my body anymore. Can't feel my heartbeat or tell if I'm breathing, either. Must be, right? Don't feel dead. Just... distant. Like life and death don't matter. Fucking details. Insignificant. Music's still playing, but it sounds far away. Floating and distant in a huge vacant fucking world.
Everything's awesome until I hear this gross splorching sound. The fuck?
Open my eyes, sit up. Room's dark but everything else looks normal. Then I see them, coming in the door. Huge squishy blobs with giant teeth. Scary glowing eyes. Don't like shit that glows. Not just their eyes, either. Glowing slime trails on the floor behind them as they move. Fucking disgusting. Can't help whimpering as they glide toward me, making that horrible sound. Sliding up the walls and across my floor and... they're everywhere. Think I should run. Can't fucking move. "The fuck are you?"
"Devinnnnnn." Fucking things know my name? How? "We're here for you, Devin. You created us. Gave us life. We're your germs and now we're here to take you with us."
Don't fucking think so. Not going anywhere with those creepy things. "N- not going with you," I stammer. Doesn't hurt to talk anymore - guess that medicine fucking works. Too bad I can't revel in how awesome I feel because I need to get away from these giant germs right the fuck now. Manage to unfreeze my arms and legs, jump off the bed. Run down the hall.
More of those fucking things out there. More of them everywhere. All over the living room, crawling on my couch. On the walls. Leaving their slime on everything I own. Making that fucking sound.
Chest feels tight. Can't fucking breathe. Fucking have to. Have to fucking focus. My lab - I let down the stairs and scramble up them. Don't seem have any trouble moving now. Good thing, because I can't waste time stumbling around. Need to find some way to stop those germs. Maybe a sanitizing laser like the one I made at the office, only bigger and stronger - big enough to zap the whole fucking house. Yeah, that sounds like a fucking stupendous plan.
Can't even get started, though. Fucking germs can climb stairs!
"Don't fight ussssssss," they hiss. Sliding toward me. Making that fucking sound - just hearing it makes my throat close up. Leaving their slime trails all over my floor. I'm fucking surrounded. Can't move at all. Can't even scream.
That sound. That fucking sound. It's deafening as they close in on me. Think they're crawling inside me somehow, because I can feel the fucking sound now, too. Like my entire being's vibrating with it. Squelching and splorching and everything's got that sick green glow. Green like the slime trails they left all over my house.
They're fucking inside me and I'm inside them. Not sure how that's even possible. Like an infinite fucking loop. A loop I'm caught in for I don't know how long before I open my eyes and I'm back on my bed. The fuck? How'd that happen?
It's light in here, but I can't fucking see right. Things are doubled and my vision's... slow. Move my head and the world doesn't move with me like I'd expect. Everything's choppy, like there's some kind of delay. The fuck? Could see fine before those germs took me back to that creepy little world of theirs. Must have fucking contaminated me.
Don't want to think about that anymore. Makes it too hard to breathe. Need to focus on getting to my lab, building that fucking laser weapon. Can't see the germs anymore, but I know they're still here. All over my house. Inside me.
Really need to stop fucking thinking about that, right the fuck now.
Almost fall down as I jump off my bed. Legs feel like rubber. Hard to keep my balance as I walk down the hall. Keep stumbling, running into walls. Feels like it takes fucking hours to climb the stairs to my lab.
Not sure I'm gonna be able to build this laser too well. I'm fucking confused - can't remember which tool does what. Almost can't even tell which ones are which. Takes me a million times longer than it should to gather everything I need. Kinda want to give up, but... giant fucking germs! No way am I gonna let those nasty things win.
"Think you've already fucking won, don't you?" I mutter. "We'll see who gets the last fucking laugh." Can't help snickering under my breath a little as I start assembling the laser weapon. Almost fucking giggle as it begins to take shape. Medicine must be wearing off some - all this laughing kinda hurts. Doesn't stop me from doing it, though. Kinda can't stop doing it.
Weapon's finished before I know it, and it's fucking massive. No way I'd be able to drag that thing down the stairs. Good thing I don't have to - lab's got a fucking epic lift system. Still takes all my strength to shove the weapon onto the platform and lower the lift. Takes a fucking eternity to haul it out to the front yard. Lean against the weapon when I'm done, try to catch my breath. Ready for a fucking nap. Can't have one until my plan's complete.
"Gonna get you fucking germs if it's the last thing I do!" Must look crazy hollering out loud at invisible giant germs, but I can't help it. Can't help rubbing my hands together in glee and cackling, either. Fucking hurts to cackle like that, but I keep on doing it as I throw back the switch. Weapon fucking works - lasers strike the house, beautiful and fucking deadly. Kinda takes my breath away, not that I could breathe to begin with. Medicine's definitely wearing off. Feel fucking awful.
Don't have time to think about that. Lawn bursts into fucking flames. Oh, fuck no.
I lunge for the garden hose, coiled beside the front steps. Turn it on, aim it at the fires. Try not to think about how hard Wes is gonna cry if I burn our house down. How sad he's gonna be already because I messed up our lawn. Killed those fancy decorative cacti he had his lawn guy plant, too. Guy can't stand flowers, but he loves those plants - pays someone to trim them once a month. Says they add charm, and they kinda do. Kinda gonna miss those stupid fucking cacti.
Makes my chest ache, thinking about that. Not that it doesn't already. Head's fucking killing me, too. Good thing the fire's out, because I think I need to go inside now. Think I need to lie down or I'm gonna pass out. It's all I can do to drag my laser weapon inside and myself back to the couch before I do.
Pounding at the door. Fucking inconsiderate. Don't these assholes know I'm trying to sleep?
Groan and try to pull my pillow over my head. There is no fucking pillow. Why am I sleeping on the couch? Too hard to think with all that fucking pounding. Not that my head isn't pounding anyway. The fuck happened to me? Start to panic when I can't remember. Force myself to take deep breaths, try to stay calm. Can't take deep breaths - kinda can't breathe too well at all.
Voices shouting through the door now. "Open up! Military police!"
Wait, what?
Can't ignore the military fucking police. Don't need them breaking down my door. "Be right there!" I shout, or try to. Voice comes out all squeaky. Fucking pathetic. Make myself get up and answer the door.
"Good afternoon, sir." Officer surrounded by troops. He fucking smirks as I try to straighten my hair. Must be a total mess right now. "Are you - " He pauses to check his records. "Are you Mr. Riley, the owner of this property?"
"My name's - " Almost fucking give him my real name before I remember. Smooth, Devin. Fake names don't help if you're too fucking stupid to use them. "Y- yeah, that's me. Evan Riley." I rub my eyes, try to look innocent. Offer him my hand, then sneeze so hard I almost fall over. Officer doesn't shake my hand. Stares at me like I'm fucking contagious. Kinda am.
"Know anything about what happened over there?" He gestures to the right of the house.
No fucking clue what he's talking about. Don't care, either. Just want to sleep. Shake my head. Blink a few times, try to think of something to say that'll make him leave. Start sneezing uncontrollably instead. Fucking fabulous.
Officer backs away so fast he almost falls off my front steps. "No point in wasting our time here - you obviously don't know anything. Thanks for your cooperation, Mr. Riley. We'll be going now." Troops are marching off down my driveway before I can even stop fucking sneezing.
Laughing's fucking excruciating, but I can't help doing it. Officer repellent - almost worth being sick.