Nope you don't sound defensive. Explaining your reasoning behind some of the things I noted gives me a better idea of how to help. I'm really enjoying this back and forth part.
For Wes it was definitely more of the, "this guy is ridiculous, I hope there's more to him." Since I don't know what that is yet I can't really say how to hint at that or tone him down some. I'd have to read further ahead and come back to it.
For Devin I understand more now about his character from your explanations. I have absolutely NO problem with sentence fragments. I use them a ton in all my writing. It's part of my style. Sometimes I over do it (that along with my tendency to use "and" in just about every sentence... I've had to make a conscious effort to cut them out which gives me more sentence fragments, lol).
I think the trouble with his voice is that just about all of the sentences start at the verb which sounds monotonous even if every verb is different. Mixing sentence structures up definitely spices up the writing. It's another thing I struggle with and a think I notice right away when I'm reading a book. When things are monotonous or repetitive they have a cadence to them that just grates on my nerves. I've been known to cringe while reading and then my internal editor kicks in and I edit as I read to make the sentences more pleasing often leaving me scratching my head and wondering why the author didn't do that in the first place. I do the same with word choices. I usually spot right away when words repeat to close to one another and will automatically pick a better word. So that's probably something I'll touch on time and time again since they suck me right out of a story faster than a tornado tossing a cow across two counties.
I could maybe do a line edit of one of the scenes and show you where I would change things up to make the sound flow better. Obviously with no obligation to keep any changes I make. It's easier for me to show than explain. Now that I understand how you want his speech/thought patterns to play out I can make a better guess at the improvements that would work.
About the "crazy" thing. I think the OCD grocery thing worked perfectly. It's a great hint that there's something wrong with him because who color codes their food, lol. I think maybe one more little tic or idiosyncrasy would balance out the scene. It doesn't have to be major. Since I don't know his triggers or how crazy or what kind of crazy he is I can't comment on that right now. Just mentioning that it would balance out with another one added in. If you tell me more I could probably come up with some ideas off hand but I'd really have to read further to get a good, solid idea.
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timeasmymeasure
Re: some more
Date: 2013-03-12 04:42 am (UTC)For Wes it was definitely more of the, "this guy is ridiculous, I hope there's more to him." Since I don't know what that is yet I can't really say how to hint at that or tone him down some. I'd have to read further ahead and come back to it.
For Devin I understand more now about his character from your explanations. I have absolutely NO problem with sentence fragments. I use them a ton in all my writing. It's part of my style. Sometimes I over do it (that along with my tendency to use "and" in just about every sentence... I've had to make a conscious effort to cut them out which gives me more sentence fragments, lol).
I think the trouble with his voice is that just about all of the sentences start at the verb which sounds monotonous even if every verb is different. Mixing sentence structures up definitely spices up the writing. It's another thing I struggle with and a think I notice right away when I'm reading a book. When things are monotonous or repetitive they have a cadence to them that just grates on my nerves. I've been known to cringe while reading and then my internal editor kicks in and I edit as I read to make the sentences more pleasing often leaving me scratching my head and wondering why the author didn't do that in the first place. I do the same with word choices. I usually spot right away when words repeat to close to one another and will automatically pick a better word. So that's probably something I'll touch on time and time again since they suck me right out of a story faster than a tornado tossing a cow across two counties.
I could maybe do a line edit of one of the scenes and show you where I would change things up to make the sound flow better. Obviously with no obligation to keep any changes I make. It's easier for me to show than explain. Now that I understand how you want his speech/thought patterns to play out I can make a better guess at the improvements that would work.
About the "crazy" thing. I think the OCD grocery thing worked perfectly. It's a great hint that there's something wrong with him because who color codes their food, lol. I think maybe one more little tic or idiosyncrasy would balance out the scene. It doesn't have to be major. Since I don't know his triggers or how crazy or what kind of crazy he is I can't comment on that right now. Just mentioning that it would balance out with another one added in. If you tell me more I could probably come up with some ideas off hand but I'd really have to read further to get a good, solid idea.