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n3m3sis43If you're reading Cliffton for the first time, here are the previous chapters so you can catch up:
1 | 2 | 3
My mind races and my ears ring as I get to my feet. Questions swirl inside my head with dizzying speed, and I feel strangely faint. What happened? Where's Kalen? Why didn't he stick to the plan? What are we supposed to do now?
What if Kalen didn't even make it out alive?
Except all my questions won't matter one bit if I don't get out of here, and fast. The urge to run's overpowering, but I force myself to ignore it. Instead, I edge slowly away from the crowd, doing my best not to attract any attention. If anyone recognizes me, I'll be arrested and undoubtedly executed for treason.
When I'm out of sight, I sprint desperately toward the hiding spot I share with Kalen. Even though it's fall now, it's still hotter than blazes and I might as well be breathing soup instead of air. Still, running's almost a relief. There's nothing to think about besides the slap of my shoes against the parched ground. I don't have to worry about what to do next or whether I'll ever see my ma and pa and brothers again. Whether my best friend's -
I pump my arms and legs harder and force myself not to think about that.
If I squint, I can see a tiny patch of green ahead. I know I'm getting closer, because the stand of trees I'm headed for is the only cover for miles. Everything else is dry, cracked plains where even grass and tumblebrush will barely grow. I feel horribly exposed, but if I can make it to the hiding spot, I'll be safe.
By the time I reach the trees, I'm gasping for breath and there's a stabbing pain in my side. I want to fall down and kiss the ground, but I force myself to keep moving. There's no telling how far Kalen's military will go to look for us. When I finally make it to the cover of our tree, I collapse onto the dirt and clutch at my ribs. For a moment, the glorious sensation of not having to move is all I can think about. Then the other thoughts creep in.
Why in the flourishing fields did Kalen set off that bomb?
The bomb was only a backup plan, a way to make the people take us seriously. We were only supposed to detonate it if our lives were in danger. As far as I could tell, they weren't. The soliders had their weapons trained on us, but when they saw Kalen's finger on that button, they let him speak. The people might have listened - we might have stopped the War.
Now we're marked for life as terrorists and I'm sure we've only fanned the flames. Why, Kalen?
Eight days gone, and still no sign of Kalen. Every morning when I wake, I scratch a mark on the wall of my hideout. And each night when I lie down to sleep, I offer a prayer to the Gods I've never believed in.
"Please keep Kalen safe," I whisper, "Please help us both find a way out of this mess."
The hours in between are the hardest. My mind replays the explosion over and over, as if this time I'll find some clue I missed before. Something to tell me why, or at least to assure me Kalen's still out there somewhere, alive and well. There's not much here to distract me from the endless stream of thoughts - all I've got for entertaiment's a single deck of cards. NeoSolitaire doesn't do much to take my mind off my fears.
Too bad I'm not allowed to turn on my neurovision implant. Neurovision's not even my thing, but right now I'd welcome the distraction. How my friends would laugh if they could see me now - wishing to watch the "mindless drivel" I always scoffed at. On the farm, there was no time for such foolish indulgences.
Surely there'd be no harm in watching just one show? Except Kalen warned me repeatedly not to turn on my neurovision implant at all. According to his insurgent friends, the government can use it to find me. Truth be told, I'm not convinced these friends of his are entirely right in the head. Still, I'd be a fool to run the risk just for entertainment's sake.
How do I even know anyone's looking for me at all? Maybe they never got a good look at my face. What if I'm hiding out here for nothing? I'm sure it's wishful thinking, but I've got to know for sure. Even marrying Morgan's preferable to starving to death inside a tree - though only slightly. If I can make it back to my side of the fence and get my hands on a NewsVid, I can find out whether it's safe to go home.
It doesn't take long to reach the fence, but it's clear I won't be climbing it today. The area's crawling with troops, their blue eyes cold as UberSteel. Grey-suited and grim, they all carry evil-looking canons or small iridescent metallic pistols. Their faces are hard, and none of them look like they'd hesitate to shoot me on sight. I know I should get away from them immediately, but I can't take my eyes off the devastation Kalen and I have caused. For miles in every direction, the earth is scorched and dead. The sight of it makes my stomach churn.
Finally, I turn and head back for the tree. I've nearly reached what passes for woods on this side of the fence when glowing blue spheres fly out of nowhere with a loud "Bzzzzzzt!" I barely restrain myself from screaming as they hit a nearby tree. Before I can dive for cover, I hear the sound again, followed by a sizzle as burning pain erupts in my right leg. My leg gives way, spilling me onto the ground. More blue spheres zoom over my head as I crawl out of their range as fast as I can.
My heart's pounding as I scan the horizon. I don't dare stay here for long, because the soldiers must have seen me. They'll be coming to find me any minute, so I force myself to stand. Though my injured leg feels like it's on fire, it does support my weight. Hobbling with as much speed as I can muster, I concentrate on putting one foot in front of the other. By the time I crawl inside the tree trunk, the whole right side of my body's throbbing, but at least I'm alive.
Without any medical supplies, though, I'm not sure how long that'll last.
The world's spinning like a child's top as I cautiously make my way back to the fence. A pulse beats crazily in my hurt leg as I go. I'm no doctor, but I recognize the smell and sick heat radiating from the wound. Back on the farm, we'd shoot any animal injured this badly - and if security at the border's still tight, I may well suffer the same fate.
When I hear the sound of marching feet, I know it's over. I don't even have the strength to run, so I sink to the ground dejectedly and wait for the end. I wonder idly if they'll shoot me on sight or take me prisoner. What if they torture me in hopes of obtaining information about Kalen? I don't have any, but it's not like they know that.
Then I look up, and I nearly jump for joy - or I would if my leg could handle it. Arrayed before me is an impressive robot army, and it must be Kalen's. The robots' torsos are decorated in glowing blue flames, Kalen's signature design. I'm new to this side of the fence, but my understanding is that most people don't have robot armies at all. Surely there can't be two robot enthusiasts who favor such a gaudy motif?
I struggle to my feet, lurching forward gracelessly as I wave my arms and shout Kalen's name. Except I'm too dizzy to move very quickly without falling over, and I have to stop every few steps to catch my breath. A figure in a bulky silver suit lumbers toward me - surely it's Kalen, wearing some sort of protective armor. I'd run up and hug him in a heartbeat if it weren't for my injury. That's not really and option, so I focusing on remaining upright instead.
"Calla?" a distorted voice asks from inside the armor.
A purple laser streaks across the sky. Before I can react, a penetrating warmth spreads from my forehead through my sinuses, making its way through my whole body in a matter of seconds. For a moment, I'm floating. My skin's tingling and I feel like I'm on fire. Then my legs give way and everything goes black.
I open my eyes. Where in the wandering waves am I?
The light here's dim and everything's outlined in an eerie purple glow. Wherever I am, it's nowhere I've been before. Could I be hallucinating due to fever? Given my injury, it's a distinct possibility. Except my leg doesn't hurt at all anymore and my head feels clearer than it has in days.
This can't be real, though, can it? My vision's definitely not normal - I can see behind me and there are numbers and readouts suspended in the air before my eyes. Panic rises up inside me, but it feels muted, like it's wrapped in gauze. My stomach ought to be jumping around all over the place, but I can't feel that very well, either.
Nothing feels normal. I don't feel like me.
Kalen's crouched silently a few feet away, his back to me. Suddenly, it all makes sense - I passed out, and Kalen used one of his machines to save me. Except then what's he doing right now? I approach him as quietly as I can, wondering why my footsteps seem to make so much noise. That's when I notice he's hunched over what looks like a body - my body.
"Calla, I'm so sorry." Kalen hangs his head, obscured by his odd protective getup. "I never meant to shoot you."
This can't be. I can't be dead, can I? And Kalen - why would he -
"You... shot me?" I narrow my eyes at Kalen, trying to understand what's going on. There's a low humming noise, and my eyes feel strangely... warm. The words "LASERS POWERING" display on a readout near the edge of my forward vision.
"Don't hurt me!" Kalen shouts as he turns toward me, his distorted voice filled with fear.
How in the hovering heavens do I turn off these lasers? Why in the world do I even have lasers?
I glare at the spot directly to the right of Kalen's helmet. A purple laser fires, making him screech and jump. For a moment, I'm filled with a temptation to shout "DANCE, PUPPET!" and fire toward his feet, but I squash the impulse. Someone could get killed if I'm not careful, and that someone might be me - if I'm not dead already.
"What's going on here?" My voice is feminine but electronic - not really mine anymore.
"You - " Kalen seems to be fumbling for words. "You can talk?"
Of course I can talk. Why wouldn't I be able to? Except if that really is my lifeless body lying on the ground before me, I'm not sure who in the sweltering suns I am anymore.
"Who do you think I am, Kalen?" I finally manage.
"Uh, magical talking bugbot?" Kalen pulls off his helmet and... he isn't Kalen at all. He's a brown-skinned boy with close-cropped dark hair and an extremely confused expression on his face. "I'm not Kalen."
Well, yes - I see that now. Also, did he call me a magical talking bugbot?
"I'm... a robot?" I gasp, but the sound's weird and metallic, not breathy at all. "This is going to sound crazy, not-Kalen, but... I'm Calla, and I think you turned me into a robot somehow. The last thing I remember is being shot, and then - "
"It was an accident, I swear!" not-Kalen shouts. "I didn't mean to turn you into a robot. Didn't even know people could be turned into robots. And I didn't even mean to fire at you. Something's wrong with these stupid weapons. Please don't hurt me, CallaBot! I don't know what happened, but Kalen certainly wouldn't want you to shoot his own brother."
His... brother? Kalen's told me a few things about his older brother. Most of them weren't very complimentary.
"Brendan?" I ask, but he's already turned away from me. He puts his helmet back on, staring off into the distance.
I follow his gaze and spot another team of blue-flamed robots advancing toward us. Kalen.
"HOLD IT RIGHT THERE, INTRUDER! IDENTIFY YOURSELF!" Brendan hollers.
Seriously? He doesn't recognize these robots? No wonder Kalen says he's not too bright. Although it's possible my augmented eyes can see better than his normal ones. When Kalen doesn't respond, Brendan fires a purple laser toward his brother's head. It misses by a significant margin. At least his aim doesn't seem to be any better than his critical thinking skills.
"You idiot!" I hiss at Brendan. "Haven't you done enough damage with your substandard weapons? If you don't stop shooting, you're likely to kill your own brother by accident. And anyway, your aim really sucks."
"Hey!" Even with his voice garbled by his protective outerwear, Brendan sounds indignant. "I'll have you know I scored top marks in shooting. It's not my aim that's the problem. There's something wrong with these weapons."
"All the more reason not to fire them, genius," I snort.
"Brendan?" Kalen's presumably near enough to us now to recognize the robot army his brother's leading.
"KALEN? I CAN'T FUCKING BELIEVE IT!" Brendan's scream echoes across the barren land, creepy and inhuman. "YOU RUINED MY LIFE, AND YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE THE DECENCY TO DIE!"
This certainly isn't the happy reunion I've been envisioning for the past two weeks. Kalen and Brendan fall upon each other like a pack of hungry wolves. They're too busy trying to obliterate each other to notice my presence at all. Not that Kalen would recognize me now, if Brendan's babble about turning me into a robot is true. Why am I even here? I want no part of this, and I need some time to think. What in the world have I gotten myself into?
As I turn and walk away, a single thought fills my mind. Maybe the people on the Other Side really are barbaric.
By the time I return, there's no sight of Kalen, Brendan, or their mechanical minions. In their place is a smoking pit so deep I can't see the bottom. For a moment, I question whether I should turn and walk away again. Except I managed to get as far as my side of the fence before I caught sight of my reflection in a stagnant stream.
Brendan was right - I'm a robot. And not just a robot, but an insectile thing with segmented legs and vicious pincers. I'm absolutely terrifying, and there's no way I can go home looking like this. There's no way I can go anywhere unless Kalen and his friends can modify me to look at least a little more human. Barbaric or not, I'm stuck with them for now. If I still had a heart, though, it'd sink when I reach the the bottom of the pit. They're still arguing?
"You're the one who shot first." Kalen's sulky tone makes me want to fire up my laser eyes.
"You told your entire robot army to attack me!" Brendan shoots back.
"You turned my best friend into a robot!" Kalen steps forward, bringing his face too close to Brendan's.
"It's not my fault your robot malfunctioned and shot her." Brendan's face is red and his jaw's clenched.
"It malfunctioned because you modified it... badly!"
"ARE YOU CALLING ME INCOMPETENT?" Brendan screeches, lunging at Kalen with his fists.
Kalen grabs his brother by the hair and elbows him in the gut. Brendan doubles over, making an oof sound. And there they are, rolling around in the dirt like rowdy schoolboys. Ugh. If they're going to start fighting again, I'm not sticking around to watch.
"Are you fools still fighting?" I snap my metallic pincers at them menacingly. "You'd better stop it, or I'm leaving again. And this time, I'm not coming back to save your sorry asses, either."
The two brothers fall silent, slumped shamefacedly on the floor of the crater they've created with their fighting. And they deserve to be mortified by what they've done. They're both covered in soot and grime, their heads hanging in shame. Scattered about are the melted remains of their mechanical allies. Their protective suits and the clothes underneath are in tatters.
"Thanks for coming back for us." Kalen's voice is that of a child who knows he's going to bed without supper.
Truth be told, I'm embarrassed to know him. Kalen's supposed to be different from the rest of his people, but he certainly had no qualms about attempting to murder his own brother.
"Believe me," I snort, "I was tempted to leave you two idiots for the troops. Except I can't really go too far on my own like this." I use my monstrous appendages to gesture at my equally hideous body.
The brothers both stare at me, but at least they have the sense to look embarrassed.
"So here's what we're going to do." I make my eyes glow just in case they're not paying attention. "None of us can go home anymore, so we're going to stick together. We need to find a place to stay, and a way to get me out of this metallic nightmare of a body. Kalen, you said your insurgent friends are good with robots, right? Maybe we should pay them a visit."
"Stick with Kalen? But he ruined my life with his terrorist attack!" Brendan shouts, his face still flushed.
"I know he did, Brendan." My voice has the forced patience of an Instructor speaking to a dull student, but I actually feel a little sorry for Brendan. Kalen ruined my life, too. I turn my laser eyes on him. "Speaking of ruined lives, Kalen. Why did you set off the explosion? I thought the plan was not to push the button unless we were in mortal danger."
"Um, about that." Kalen stares at the ravaged ground. "That was... it was kind of an accident."
"What?" both Brendan and I say with simultaneous incredulity.
"I was backing away from the fence, keeping an eye on the Enforcers to make sure they weren't going to open fire. Just as I was getting ready to give you the signal to run, I-" Kalen pauses, apparently too embarrassed to continue.
I have the feeling this is going to be completely brilliant.
"Um, I sneezed." Kalen looks up, his face nearly purple. "I sneezed, and I squeezed the button by accident."
"Oh, Kalen." Brendan sighs and stares at his hands - the biggest hands I've ever seen.
I'm struck dumb for a moment. He sneezed? Our act of terrorism was nothing but an accident? My throat would close up with rage if it weren't made of metal. As it is, I've got to restrain myself from grabbing Kalen and shaking him. It's not like that's going to do any good now anyway.
"Everyone makes mistakes." My robotic voice holds more conviction than I feel. "What we've got to do now is move on. We need to find Kalen's insurgent friends and see if they can help us. Since we're probably all marked as terrorists anyway, we might as well try to help them with their cause. Whatever we do from here on out, we're going to work together. Is that clear?"
"But... he turned you into a robot," Kalen says.
For a minute, I remember why I used to like him. He's sweet. Funny how I never noticed his complete lack of sense until now. I guess that weird glow and those readouts aren't the only new things my robotic eyes allow me to see.
(Next chapter is here)
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no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 01:31 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 01:45 pm (UTC)And she likely would have died if she wasn't turned into a robot?
And I think the story fits together well. :)
no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 05:12 pm (UTC)Still I feel bad about Calla becoming a robot. :( At least she is still alive.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 08:08 pm (UTC)I wonder if Devin has a theory on how that could happen. He's the neural interface guy. Brendan's not really so good with technical stuff. :\
Calla was pretty far gone, so turning her into a robot might actually have saved her life. But it's a lot to adjust to.
Edited to add: Do you think the story as a whole would benefit from someone trying to explain/hypothesize how Calla turned into a robot? It wouldn't be in this chapter, but maybe Kalen and/or Devin could come up with a theory if you think it would be helpful plotwise.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 08:09 pm (UTC)I think Calla might have died from her infection if she hadn't been turned into a robot. It's not like she could just show up at any hospital, being a known terrorist and all. So Brendan really did kind of save her.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 08:13 pm (UTC)Thanks! I actually just finished making a huge edit to the section where Calla meets Brendan because I realized it didn't make sense for him to immediately know she was Calla. Feel free to read it and let me know what you think of the changes.
no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 08:52 pm (UTC)I understand not going into detail about it though because there are certain things I let go in my stories. It's easier then trying to come up with an explanation. xD
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Date: 2013-01-31 08:56 pm (UTC)If only he were real, he could explain this all to meOh god, I can't believe I said that.no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 08:59 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-01-31 09:03 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-05 08:51 pm (UTC)I was a bit confused about whose perspective this was until I read further down about her running from the area because the first paragraph or two is vague enough that it could have been an observer or someone who had heard what happened.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-05 09:02 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-07 10:50 pm (UTC)I was a little confused when the robot army comes and Brendan knows it's Calla. There's been no set-up that Kalen ever mentioned her, let alone her name. How would Brendan know that? It may work better to remove that line and just have the purple laser shoot her. Or have her positively identify the armor as Kalen's.(Nevermind. Just read chapter 5. All cleared up now.)The portion where she is watching "Kalen" apologize to her body and her realization that something is wrong is awesome. I do think that you'll need to explain exactly (or theorize at least) how her consciousness was transferred to the robot. Git ur syfy on! It's an advanced society, so you could almost make any thing up even if it's ridiculous. Maybe the robots are set up to "harvest" consciousness to search for information as they kill the enemy...or something.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-08 01:21 am (UTC)I struggled a little with the continuity in this chapter. Okay, a lot. Plot's not really my strong suit - I think you've noticed. Do you think it's okay to leave that hanging until chapter 5, or is it too confusing and offputting?
Oh, I'm glad you liked the scene with her body. This chapter has been hard for me and I still don't feel like I have it quite right overall. That was one of the parts I was happy with, though. :D
So... as far of the explanation, I was thinking of having it be pretty hand-wavy and also having it be a few chapters after this one. Do you think it's okay to make the reader wait for it? Kalen and Brendan don't really understand neural interfaces that well and I think it was a complete accident that no one would have expected to happen. Which means it's easier if I can wait until a point where I'm writing a scene where it feels natural for Devin to explain (or "explain", because he doesn't really know the answer, either) it. And I think that's a few chapters away.
At the same time, I don't want it to be annoying to the reader - like, "you expect me to care about this book and you're never going to explain that?" and have the reader put the book down before I explain it.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-13 04:49 pm (UTC)The theory that the government could track you via the implant could easily springboard into how Calla's consciousness is transferred into the robot. Because I imagine an implant like that would contain a host of neurological information. It wouldn't be too much of a stretch to have these implants manufactured with the additional purpose of recording psychometric data for the purpose of tracking potentially problematic behavior in youngsters, under the guise that it catches criminal behavior (or budding terrorists) before it starts. A routine visit to the doctor, for example, could download this information into a computer without the patient even knowing, and then psychological "symptoms" and patterns can be tracked over time.
Of course, it wouldn't account for all aspects of a personality, just core ones, which would explain Calla's more "clinical" observations of her surroundings and the change in her personality (more aggression, less compassion, etc). Or the implant could have been damaged by the fever that resulted from the infection, or whatever.
If the implants have an external port, it would be nothing to transfer that information from the implant into a device that is manufactured for that use. Like, say, a robot that relies on third-party interaction to program its artificial intelligence. Though if Brendan isn't really the neuro-genius (doesn't seem like he's a much-of-anything genius, really) that would fall on Devin. And Devin seems the sort to design something just because he's batshit insane.
ANYWAY. I'm babbling. Loved the section, though.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-13 05:13 pm (UTC)Wow. This was a really busy chapter!
I think the only thing that feels awkward is the conversation between Calla and Brendan when she wakes up in her new "body". I can't really put my finger on it, but I think it's chiefly this piece:
"I'm... a robot?" I gasp, but the sound's weird and metallic, not breathy at all. "This is going to sound crazy, not-Kalen, but... I'm Calla, and I think you turned me into a robot somehow. The last thing I remember is being shot, and then - "
I think it's because she says I think you turned me into a robot somehow and while yes, he's there and he's the only person around, it would seem more reasonable with her aggression for her to demand why he turned her into a robot, I think? Especially since Brendan is already acting guilty and whatnot.
I likes!
no subject
Date: 2013-02-13 05:24 pm (UTC)Wow, it totally never occurred to me to use the neurovision implant! That actually makes total sense. I did come up with an explanation of sorts but it's not until chapter... 6? 7? I'm losing track now. And I could add this in either there or later (probably later) because, well... you'll see when you get there.
My theory is that Calla's all there somewhere but it's harder for her to access some of her "softer" emotions. I'm not sure if it's because of the physical constraints of her neural interface or just not being used to her situation or a little of both. She does still have the softer stuff in her, though, and I also think part of her issue is she's fucking pissed about the situation she ends up in.
Brendan's more or less average intelligence. Poor guy has kind of a complex about it because Kalen's supposed to be super-smart and he's always been compared to him.
Devin regularly mucks around in Calla's neural interface and also in the other characters' brains to reprogram their neurovision implants with various information and functionality. I've never really explained exactly how he does this because I'm not positive. It's kind of a Mary Sue skill for him to have, because he's not highly educated or anything. But yeah, he would design things because he's bored or insane or for whatever reason, really. Because he can?
no subject
Date: 2013-02-13 05:29 pm (UTC)Hahaha... is "busy" a good or a bad thing? I struggle with the whole plot thing at times, so chapters that are more plot-driven are sometimes harder for me. The other thing that's hard is that the idea for Calla to become a robot was originally someone else's and I've never fully figured how/why it happens.
But it's not something I think I can/should change now because I'm pretty invested in Calla as a robot. She's just... mean and badass and most of her stuff wouldn't work if she weren't physically capable of overpowering all the dudes in the story.
I definitely see what you're saying about that bit of dialogue. I felt really awkward writing it, too. I like your idea way better. Thank you!
lots of thoughts
Date: 2013-03-12 06:42 pm (UTC)I read some of the comments so I assume Calla being a robot is somehow important to the plot later on. I think I'm going to have trouble with this chapter because I don't yet know how a rewrite of the first 3 will affect the flow of time and I need to know more of what is going to happen later to really know how to fix things or make it flow/fit better.
Right now I'm just going to look at it from the reader's eyes with no foreknowledge of the rest of the book except that Calla needs to be a robot.
Re: lots of thoughts
Date: 2013-03-12 06:52 pm (UTC)Here is the deal with Calla being a robot. It was an idea originally suggested to me by a friend of mine back when Cliffton was a bunch random one-off stories (and by the way, they were terrible and I should probably take them down or make them private or oh god). At the time, it was because I think I was going to kill her and she didn't want me to. So, um, the original decision to make her a robot was random and not plot-relevant and I suspect that somehow that's come through in this chapter.
With all that said, the fact that she is a robot is relevant to her character and plotlines. And I'm going to try not to say any more or qualify things because I want to preserve your state of being a new reader as much as possible.
*slaps own hands to make self stop typing*
Re: lots of thoughts
Date: 2013-03-12 07:57 pm (UTC)So originally she was just going to die but now her being a robot is somehow integral to the story or just her character?
Re: lots of thoughts
Date: 2013-03-12 08:02 pm (UTC)scene 1
Date: 2013-03-12 08:28 pm (UTC)I think I'll start by going over each scene then my overall thoughts and suggestions.
This was the best scene out of the bunch. In fact it was pretty good. The 1st paragraph sets up exactly when this takes place, what's happened and the POV. I didn't need the little name at the top--I instantly knew it was Calla just after the bombing. The descriptions of the landscape are really good and help with world building but now I'm not sure if all the deadness is because that's the natural state of their land or because of the bombing (more on that later).
Overall the scene is really good and works well in relation to the scenes from other chapters--it has the same feel. The voice was good. It sounded like Calla from the 1st chapter, like a 17yo girl. She had a proper response to the situation--confusion and fear for herself and her friend.
Originally I only had a few critical comments but then I got to the end and suddenly a million questions popped into my head about the scene. They took up almost an entire page in themselves.
My original comments: Her sneaking away at the beginning kind of ruins the pace of the scene. I'm good with action/adventure type stories/scenes. This qualifies as action in my book. There's something important and monumental going on. Calla's in danger, afraid, has to get away. But then she creeps. In itself it sounds like a good response, to not draw attention to herself. Maybe it's because the description is too long. That can slow stuff up. Maybe she could just inch backwards until she's at the edge of the crowd and then bolt. The key to writing action scenes is to make the sentences short and punchy. Everything happens quick, quick, quick, one two three. Not that you shouldn't use longer sentences but to emphasize the urgency of the scene short sentences and fragments work best (and I figured that out on my own before I read something "professional" that explained it).
The Flourishing Field thing. It seems really random. I think because there isn't a lot of world building so we don't know what or why flourishing fields are important in context. I thought of some ways to make it fit. The one I liked the best (but have no idea if it fits the rest of the story) is that her parents were kind of throw backs who still believed in the old gods and taught Calla this stuff even if she doesn't believe (although her actually believing to a point but in denial is an interesting twist--especially with her new state as a robot). Maybe she grew up in a farming community that still believed, on the outside of regular society. Kind of like the Amish of today. (I'll probably make more comments about this later because I made other notes about it for a different scene).
Now on to the bajillion questions that came to mind as I was trying to sum up my feelings for the scene. A lot of these are general to the plot. A lot about world building.
The big one I had was how close was she to this bomb? The way ch. 1 is set up she was standing right next to Kalen. It sounded like Kalen had the bomb with him. There's no way either of them survived if it went off. All the soldiers would have been killed and most of the people that stopped to watch. Obviously that didn't happen. She fears Kalen was killed though so it must have been close. So why didn't Calla even get hurt?
Were there other injuries to bystanders? If so why didn't Calla stop to help? Was she too scared, too selfish, too shocked? Was there internal conflict about the damage they created? This would play into my suggestion that you have a scene focusing on Calla the night before, being nervous about what could happen. Did her worse nightmares come true? How devastated is she at the thought of losing Kalen? They both mention they are best friends but you said their friendship isn't important to the rest of the story (and from the looks of the end they aren't even friends any more--I'll talk about that later). She seems concerned and I would say in shock at first but otherwise there isn't a whole lot of emotion.
scene 1 continued
Date: 2013-03-12 08:29 pm (UTC)Some others I had were about the scene of the bombing. Was it chaotic with people running everywhere, soldiers trying to maintain order, people screaming? Or did the community just stand there, like they are so desensitized to the violence of war it barely registers? Do they help each other or run for their lives or just walk away with a shrug? If they stay calm is it because of being used to this sort of stuff or something more nefarious--programming by their governments, drugs in their food, something else?
How do the different sides react?
From the tidbits of information in other chapters the societies are pretty different. The people from either side would react differently based on their upbringing. I would think Kalen's side (which I'm going to call SIDEA or Sidea), being so focused on war and military preparedness would stay calmer because of training. Calla's side (SIDEB) sounds more focused on internal human stuff--the institutionalized misogyny. That would affect their reactions. They obviously must have a good standing army, probably filled with draftees because they can hold off the military might of Sidea.
That all led to a slew of other questions about their societies that are really more about world building then the scene so I'll talk about them later.
The scene was good but needs more details to make it great. And WORLD BUILDING. I'm going to have to have you sit down and start describing this entire universe to me so you can figure it all out. Action and dialogue are great but they don't tell the full story. You need settings and details to make it the whole picture.
Re: scene 1
Date: 2013-03-12 08:49 pm (UTC)