Yeah, I re-read the chapter and tried to collect my thoughts. Devin is... I don't want to say "complex" emotionally because he's emotionally kind of immature. But what's on the outside and what's on the inside are not always the same, and what's on the inside can shift in the space of like three seconds.
What might be OOC, now that I've re-read the chapter like three times tonight and ruminated a little:
- In my original version, Devin was pretty intimidated by Calla. Not in Brendan's "she's mean" way, but in more of a "you can kick my fucking ass" way, because she can. In the original version, she was pretty mean to him and they had sort of a half-assed, grudging friendship after a while. In this version, he's less afraid and more drawn to her, and she's less mean and more fascinated by him. Eventually. So, like, the parts where he acts intimidated by her may be less in-character.
Although Devin jumping and screaming when she sneaks up on him like that in the final section? Totally in character. He's, um, jittery.
Ways he is in-character:
- Wes is his soft spot. Devin's going off and doing stuff in the middle of the night (slutty things) and he doesn't want Wes to know. He also has feelings for Wes he doesn't even want to admit to himself. You bring up Wes or his "friends" and he gets really thrown off balance. So those moments probably are in-character, even with people around.
- Calla notices a lot. She's super-observant, fairly insightful, and apparently pays a lot of attention to Devin -- first, because she's watching him because he reminds her of Morgan and she doesn't trust him, and later because she's sort of fascinated by him (because teenage girls are stupid and always want to fix the bad, broken ones).
I do think more of a progression would be better. Because I like the idea of stretching the kidnapping out a little too. Not a whole lot, because I think it will keep me from devoting enough time and words to my larger plots and subplots, but enough to make it feel less contrived. Wrapping it up neatly in one chapter kinda bugs me too.
For a while, I was questioning whether the next two chapters (7 and 8) actually went before this one. They'd need a tiny bit of editing to do that, but it could work. So I'm thinking I could split this one, have the kidnapping and the initial confrontation between Devin and Wes or Calla and Wes or whatever about Zack.
Maybe have something where Calla gets a little actual solitude and thinks some thoughts about Kalen and Brendan. By the way, Brendan is mostly hiding in the basement because he's uncomfortable, but maybe he'll come up and cautiously bond with Calla a little while Wes and Zack are out somewhere. Kalen's around but kind of avoiding people because he doesn't want to deal with the situation. Maybe Devin will also hang around Calla silently but not really say stuff (unless she asks him what she wants, and then he'll just wander off). You know, more random awkward interactions and stuff so we can see how everyone's adjusting to each other.
Anyway, then I'd have chapters 7 and 8. In chapter 8, I'd have to make an edit to have Brendan get Zack out of the house (you'll see why later) but otherwise this would mostly work.
And then after that, I can add the rest of this chapter in. Calla and Devin's conversation about Zack, why the hell isn't anyone trying to get him back, etc. And maybe in the final section I will add in more information about Wes's naive scientist family and why they'd never spy on him. Devin's paranoid as shit and shouldn't accept this, but probably will because it's Wes.
Re: some more thoughts
What might be OOC, now that I've re-read the chapter like three times tonight and ruminated a little:
- In my original version, Devin was pretty intimidated by Calla. Not in Brendan's "she's mean" way, but in more of a "you can kick my fucking ass" way, because she can. In the original version, she was pretty mean to him and they had sort of a half-assed, grudging friendship after a while. In this version, he's less afraid and more drawn to her, and she's less mean and more fascinated by him. Eventually. So, like, the parts where he acts intimidated by her may be less in-character.
Although Devin jumping and screaming when she sneaks up on him like that in the final section? Totally in character. He's, um, jittery.
Ways he is in-character:
- Wes is his soft spot. Devin's going off and doing stuff in the middle of the night (slutty things) and he doesn't want Wes to know. He also has feelings for Wes he doesn't even want to admit to himself. You bring up Wes or his "friends" and he gets really thrown off balance. So those moments probably are in-character, even with people around.
- Calla notices a lot. She's super-observant, fairly insightful, and apparently pays a lot of attention to Devin -- first, because she's watching him because he reminds her of Morgan and she doesn't trust him, and later because she's sort of fascinated by him (because teenage girls are stupid and always want to fix the bad, broken ones).
I do think more of a progression would be better. Because I like the idea of stretching the kidnapping out a little too. Not a whole lot, because I think it will keep me from devoting enough time and words to my larger plots and subplots, but enough to make it feel less contrived. Wrapping it up neatly in one chapter kinda bugs me too.
For a while, I was questioning whether the next two chapters (7 and 8) actually went before this one. They'd need a tiny bit of editing to do that, but it could work. So I'm thinking I could split this one, have the kidnapping and the initial confrontation between Devin and Wes or Calla and Wes or whatever about Zack.
Maybe have something where Calla gets a little actual solitude and thinks some thoughts about Kalen and Brendan. By the way, Brendan is mostly hiding in the basement because he's uncomfortable, but maybe he'll come up and cautiously bond with Calla a little while Wes and Zack are out somewhere. Kalen's around but kind of avoiding people because he doesn't want to deal with the situation. Maybe Devin will also hang around Calla silently but not really say stuff (unless she asks him what she wants, and then he'll just wander off). You know, more random awkward interactions and stuff so we can see how everyone's adjusting to each other.
Anyway, then I'd have chapters 7 and 8. In chapter 8, I'd have to make an edit to have Brendan get Zack out of the house (you'll see why later) but otherwise this would mostly work.
And then after that, I can add the rest of this chapter in. Calla and Devin's conversation about Zack, why the hell isn't anyone trying to get him back, etc. And maybe in the final section I will add in more information about Wes's naive scientist family and why they'd never spy on him. Devin's paranoid as shit and shouldn't accept this, but probably will because it's Wes.