What I think would work better (here I go again) is have the recruiter come into the room, introduce himself and start talking to Brendan like a regular recruit. I think the line about him not being related to Kalen and Brendan realizing the recruiter actually knows sets up the rest. Then the recruiter could talk about his past grades and how he just barely squeaked by to be considered as a soldier. Just when Brendan is relaxing then the recruiter could spring it on him that family of traitors aren't allowed to serve which would be even more devastating. Since Brendan thinks Kalen died it could set up some internal guilt, too, that he's sad his brother is gone but pissed as hell for him ruining his life.
Scene 5 (I think) leaves me a little conflicted. It's the one I liked the least. I liked how it started with the talk about the girl then Brendan letting Kalen know he's on to him about his secret friends. The anger issues Brendan has really come to light. What I had issues with was how Kalen talks about how the other side is people, too. Which pisses Brendan off but later one he mentions that people matter (referring to people on their side). It comes off as really hypocritical which is fine, it works for his character but it would work better if Kalen mentions the hypocrisy or even Brendan realizes how it sounded.
I love the ending of this scene the best. The flatness of Kalen's remark about them still being friends is perfect. It shows that Kalen has changed, too. That everything has changed (as it happens when we grow up). I like that it seems he isn't as bothered by this change as Brendan. It gives Brendan depth and makes you wonder about Kalen... if he's really like the boy we met in ch.1 who seemed caring and altruistic.
BUT I think this scene should be combined with elements of scene 3 and then used as a flashback in the last scene to keep the sequence of events rolling in some logical fashion. Unless, of course, you want it to be all over the place and then I'd have to reevaluate my idea of the flow to find something that really works (and read more chapters to get a feel for the rest of the story).
Also, Brendan's voice was great. He sounded like a very conflicted, angry, confused young man. But one that still has other feelings--he loves his brother a lot but has been betrayed which leads to the conflicted feelings. He cares about people but can't think of those on the otherside as real people because it would probably break him. He uses his anger to fuel his need to be a fighter. I can imagine, without being in the army, fighting, Brendan is going to have a hard time. I picture his character spiraling out of control with nowhere to aim his anger and end up causing himself (and others on both sides) a ton of pain (emotionally more than physically). He'd become a loose cannon in a war that has no point.
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timeasmymeasure
more of what I liked
Date: 2013-03-11 09:19 pm (UTC)What I think would work better (here I go again) is have the recruiter come into the room, introduce himself and start talking to Brendan like a regular recruit. I think the line about him not being related to Kalen and Brendan realizing the recruiter actually knows sets up the rest. Then the recruiter could talk about his past grades and how he just barely squeaked by to be considered as a soldier. Just when Brendan is relaxing then the recruiter could spring it on him that family of traitors aren't allowed to serve which would be even more devastating. Since Brendan thinks Kalen died it could set up some internal guilt, too, that he's sad his brother is gone but pissed as hell for him ruining his life.
Scene 5 (I think) leaves me a little conflicted. It's the one I liked the least. I liked how it started with the talk about the girl then Brendan letting Kalen know he's on to him about his secret friends. The anger issues Brendan has really come to light. What I had issues with was how Kalen talks about how the other side is people, too. Which pisses Brendan off but later one he mentions that people matter (referring to people on their side). It comes off as really hypocritical which is fine, it works for his character but it would work better if Kalen mentions the hypocrisy or even Brendan realizes how it sounded.
I love the ending of this scene the best. The flatness of Kalen's remark about them still being friends is perfect. It shows that Kalen has changed, too. That everything has changed (as it happens when we grow up). I like that it seems he isn't as bothered by this change as Brendan. It gives Brendan depth and makes you wonder about Kalen... if he's really like the boy we met in ch.1 who seemed caring and altruistic.
BUT I think this scene should be combined with elements of scene 3 and then used as a flashback in the last scene to keep the sequence of events rolling in some logical fashion. Unless, of course, you want it to be all over the place and then I'd have to reevaluate my idea of the flow to find something that really works (and read more chapters to get a feel for the rest of the story).
Also, Brendan's voice was great. He sounded like a very conflicted, angry, confused young man. But one that still has other feelings--he loves his brother a lot but has been betrayed which leads to the conflicted feelings. He cares about people but can't think of those on the otherside as real people because it would probably break him. He uses his anger to fuel his need to be a fighter. I can imagine, without being in the army, fighting, Brendan is going to have a hard time. I picture his character spiraling out of control with nowhere to aim his anger and end up causing himself (and others on both sides) a ton of pain (emotionally more than physically). He'd become a loose cannon in a war that has no point.