Lose 10 Pounds of Ugly Fat... Cut Off Your Head

Research Log, Day 1:

Built a new body for Calla today. Not that she fucking appreciated it. Just glared at me like always and said, "And how, pray tell, do you plan to transfer my consciousness into it, Genius?"

(Least she didn't call me Princess like she usually does.)

Can't give me a lick of credit, can she? Not like I haven't been working on that too. Just hard cause I've never heard of anyone's consciousness getting stuck in a robot body before. Best I can guess it's the lightning strike that did it, but how would I replicate that without fucking killing her?

Even if I knew how to do that, it'd still be way too dangerous to test out the neural interface and make sure it works like it's really her body. No way I'm gonna risk someone else's fucking life like that.

Wes gave me a Look when I said that in front of him. Said not to even think about it.


Research Log, Day 6:

I'm thinking about it. Best way to test the neural interface is with me in the new body.

That way if anything goes wrong, I'm not hurting someone else. Thing is, I'm not sure what'll happen to my body if I'm not in it. What if I get stuck in a robot? Would my body die?

Only way I can think to address that issue is swapping with Calla. Put me in her current body and her in mine. Then if something goes wrong, at least she'd live -- I hope. Gotta run some simulations first.


Research Log, Day 25:

One hurdle cleared. Pretty sure I know how to swap our bodies now and it's simpler than I thought. It works in 99% of my simulations. The other 1%, I die -- but y'know, I just gotta refine the process some.

"Sure, Princess, I'll just stay in this ugly ass bugbot body forever." That's all Calla said.


Research Log, Day 30:

I'm as ready as I'm gonna be. Just need a sufficient electrical current.

Calla never gives me a fucking inch, just skewered me with her laser eyes and said, "How're you gonna do that, Princess? Ask one of those 'friends' you sneak out to meet at night to lend you a rocket?"

Now that I think about it...


Research Log, Day 32:

Say what you want about my line of work, but I got my hands on a rocket.


Research Log, Day 40:

Proof of concept went okay could've gone worse. Swapped with Calla like I planned to, didn't kill either of us in the process. Would've called it a total success if the swap didn't blow a fucking capacitor. Since it did, I had to go out and pick up a bunch of spare parts -- as a fucking bugbot.

Course I tried to get Kalen to do it. Didn't really want to leave Calla in case something went wrong. Got a vested interest in keeping her and my body alive. But Kalen called 30 minutes after he left with a million questions. You want something done right, you gotta do it your fucking self.

Should've heard Calla griping about how she had to stay in my fucking body while I went out. Like it's worse being me than a giant fucking bug. Or maybe she just didn't want to be stuck home with Wes.

Funny thing, I didn't exactly mind going out as a giant fucking bug. Went in 5 different stores and no one hit on me once. No one said any slurs like they normally do when I'm outside the Umani Quarter. Plus I only got kicked out of one store for being a hideous robot bug thing, less than I would've for being Umani.


Research Log, Day 42:

Tested out Body 2.0 some today. Fucking finally.

Didn't have any issues transferring into the new body, or transferring Calla into mine. Swapped back without any problems too. Except Wes took Calla out for oysters to celebrate -- with my fucking mouth. Can still feel that awful slimy texture on my tongue, makes me want to fucking puke.

Other than that, everything went fine. Walked all the way to the city to make sure the legs would really obey my brain, went into my favorite coffee shop in the Umani Quarter. Counter guy told me they don't allow robots but he'd make an exception just this once. Guess he's into 6 foot tall shiny metal chicks?

Took me 'til then to remember I couldn't even drink coffee on account of being a robot.


Research Log, Day 60:

Head's fucking killing me. Calla took my body out dancing last night, had one drink too many.

She's in a fabulous mood today, so I guess there's that. Told me she ran into one of my "friends" at the club, Major General Ellis. Course he thought she was me, on account of her wearing my face.

I tried to play it off. Tried to tell her Majerians just think all us Umani look the same.

"Princess," she said. Don't get how she made it look like her robot eyes narrowed then cause they aren't supposed to do that. "He called me by your name and asked me how the rocket worked out."

Thought she was gonna ask why a Majerian officer'd even be at an Umani Quarter dance club but she just gave me shit for blushing. Dunno why I don't just tell her I'm a fucking escort. Pretty sure she already knows but I hate it. Even Ellis says I oughtta be working in his lab. Says if I had my papers he'd hire me in a heartbeat.

Gonna have some explaining to do, next time I see him. Dude knows I don't fucking dance.


Research Log, Day 76:

Calla's been in Body 2.0 for a week and everything's working great. Not that it's improved her mood any.

She started dating Kalen's dumbass brother, thinks nobody knows. There's practically hearts floating in the air between them! Bet she's mad she can't feel it when he holds her shiny metal hand.

Guess I know one feature I'll have to add in Body 3.0. How the fuck am I gonna test that?


Research Log, Day 100:

Figured out how to test it.

Haven't been able to look Wes in the eye for fucking days but I guess that's the price of innovation?

Wes couldn't look me in the eye while we did it. Said it was kinda like fucking a creepy doll.

Didn't complain when I did that thing with my tongue Calla's tongue, though.


Research Log, Day 101:

Found out the hard way the neural interface overloads if my heart beats too fast. I'm fine, though.

Went out on a double "date" last night, Wes and Calla and me and Kalen's dumbass brother. Not that Wes and I are fucking dating. Got dressed up, went out to this steakhouse in the city that claims it's "Umani-inspired."

Umani inspired, my ass. Never even tried steak 'til I moved here.

Didn't try it last night either, on account of being a fucking robot. Everyone said it was good, though.

Server took my order last. Said, "And what'll you have, miss?" then looked at me a little closer. Saw her whole expression kinda just... freeze over. Didn't even say another word before she walked away.

Calla said she would've lasered her for that.


Research Log, Day 105:

Worst. Fucking. Day. Ever.

Went out dancing to test my fix for the heart rate issue. Dunno why Calla wants a body that's more realistic, being a chick fucking sucks. Never had so many men staring at my ass before in my life.

...Which is kinda saying a lot, seeing as I get laid for a fucking living.

Speaking of which, Ellis came by the house while I was out. Dunno how he even got my fucking address. Said he was doing inventory, needed the serial number off that rocket he let me borrow.

Wonder if it was just an excuse to see me, though. Fucking hope not.

Calla went up in the attic to try and find it, found my research log in the process. Guess now I don't have to worry she'll find out what I do for work. Just gotta worry about whether she'll tell Wes.


Research Log, Day 106:

Panic attacks fucking suck. Least I know the heart rate issue's fixed, though.


Research Log, Day 107:

Thinking I'm gonna incinerate this thing. What if Wes finds it too?!


Research Log, Day 118:

Can't bring myself to burn it. Can't bring myself to write in it anymore either, though.

Gonna put Calla in Body 3.0 tomorrow.


Research Log, Day Whatever 119:

Party for Calla's birthday. I'm fucking druuuuunnkkkk. Never done that before but it isn't the worst.

Guess Brendan (thats Kalen's brother) isn't so bad. Can tell he's head over heels for Calla.

Probably gonna regret this tomorrow, but me n Wes... y'know. We did. It.

Wasn't even in the robot this time and it felt a million times more fucking amazing.

Definitely gonna incinerate this thing tomorrow.


Research Log, Day 120:

Head's fucking pounding.

Finally managed to make Calla happy for once. Or technically Kalen's dumbass brother did.

Could hear her all the way across the fucking house.

All she said to me after was, "You better not have test driven this with one of those 'friends'," with air quotes and everything. Didn't glare when she said it, though. Which is good cause Wes wasn't wrong.

She kinda does look like a creepy doll. Guess that's something to fix in the next revision.


Some who remember my old writing from LJ might recognize these characters, but this piece is intended to stand on its own. Only time -- and the poll results -- will tell how well it accomplishes that goal, but I stand by my choices.

Thanks to thephantomq for enabling me beta reading.