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n3m3sis43If you're reading Cliffton for the first time, here are the previous chapters so you can catch up:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6
The door slams. Fuck. Kicked out of our own house.
"Fucking CallaBot." I blink, rub my eyes. Too fucking bright out here.
Wes is babbling. Of fucking course. He stops, watching me. Waiting.
"Um... what?" I manage.
"Wonder where we can find that chip." Wes chirps. So fucking cheerful it hurts my brain.
"What chip?" Like I fucking care.
"Weren't you even listening when she explained everything?"
"Not awake." Understatement of the fucking decade.
"CallaBot wants us to find an ID-10T chip for Kalen's robots." He's grinning. Too many fucking words.
"SynthBrew first." Can't fucking function without it.
"But the chip!" Wes cries. "CallaBot said it's important! It must be, for her to kick us out like this."
"Want SynthBrew." This is not fucking optional.
Wes says nothing. Just grins.
"Need SynthBrew."
"Awww, you must be hating life right now." Wes pats my arm. "She didn't even let you brush your hair."
"My hair!" I run my fingers through it. Fucking disaster.
"'Sokay, you're still pretty." His huge goofy smile's back. "C'mon, let's find you some SynthBrew."
"Not pretty," I grumble.
Kinda hard not to smile back. Just a tiny bit.
Finally got some fucking SynthBrew in me and I'm a little more awake. Not sure if that's good or bad because now all I can think about's how grungy I am. My hair's fucking tragic. At least it's pulled back now - hair ties are fucking essential. I can still tell it's all bumpy and messy, though. It's gonna bug me all day.
We're sitting outside a Splinternet cafe. Pretty fucking busy here. Loud enough that I don't even notice at first when Wes stops yammering. I stifle a yawn, wonder why he's just fucking staring at me. Not that it's all that unusual for him to do that anyway.
"So, what d'you think, dude?" Wes finally says. "Should I go inside and check out some message boards? See if anyone's heard of this chip CallaBot wants us to find?"
"Whatever." Just want to sit here until I can wake up some more. Don't care about much else.
"I'll bring you some more SynthBrew!" Wes bounds inside. Where the fuck does he get all that energy?
Not sure how long he's gone. Seems like only a minute or two.
"Devin, wake up!" Wes's voice makes me jump, almost fall over.
My eyes fly open. Didn't even realize they were closed. Might have drifted off a little. Oops.
Wes is looking at me with this tiny smile. Not sure why, but it makes my face feel kinda hot. He hands me a paper cup and I mumble my thanks as I take a huge fucking gulp. It burns my throat on the way down, but at least the SynthBrew here doesn't suck. I rub my face. Wait for the heat to subside.
"Dude, I looked all over the Splinternet." Wes is too busy talking to notice anything. Not that there's anything to notice. "I talked to all my contacts, too. No one's heard of an ID-10T chip. Maybe CallaBot got the name wrong or something?"
I nod, grunt to show I'm paying attention.
"D'you think we should check out a few stores anyway, just to be - " Wes stops mid-sentence. Something's very fucking wrong, because Wes never just stops talking like that. "Is that - are you - " Wes stammers, fumbles for words. "Are you wearing a Closed Circuit T-shirt?"
Oh, fuck. Who even knows what I'm wearing? Whatever CallaBot threw at me before she kicked me out.
"What?" I demand. "Pop music's fucking catchy. And Joey was a badass in those leather pants."
Wait, what? My mouth must be more awake than my brain. Pretty sure that's the last fucking thing I wanted to say. "I mean, uh..." Now it's my turn to trip over my words. "It's my sister's fucking shirt, okay?"
"Why d'you have your sister's shirt? Wait, you have a sister? If it's her shirt, how come you know who Joey is? Who is Joey? What do leather pants have to do with anything? Do you have leather pants?" Wes is staring at me, this odd look on his face.
Oh, fuck no. Need a distraction, right the fuck now. I'm a private fucking person. Don't want to talk about my past, or my family either. Don't want to talk about any of this at all.
"Wow, this is some amazing SynthBrew," I announce too loudly as I jump up from my seat. "I'm wide awake now. Let's hit those fucking stores before they're too crowded!"
I grab Wes's arm and drag him out of there before he can say anything else.
"Fuck this," I grumble as we walk out of our third electronics store empty-handed.
"D'you think CallaBot got the name wrong?" Wes asks. "Nobody has an ID-10T chip."
Know what I really think? Pretty sure CallaBot's having a little fun at our expense. We've been to Robotix Xpress, Xceptional Electronix, and now Xtraordinary Digital Supplies. No ID-10T chip. Two fucking hours of walking and shopping. It's enough to wake even me up.
Now that my brain's processing information, it all seems mighty fucking strange. Kalen's never mentioned this chip before. Now it's so important we have to leave the house at the crack of dawn to find it? Besides, if the chip's this fucking crucial, how come no one on the Splinternet's even heard of it?
"What's wrong, pretty princess?" Wes eyes me with concern. I must look as grumpy as I feel.
"Just tired, okay? I'm fine." I offer him the best smile I can manage. "And don't call me pretty."
"Dude! I know what'll cheer you up!" Wes flaps his hands toward a nearby building. "Can we go there? Can we?"
"McSplodey's?" Can't fucking repress the full-body shudder that runs through me. "Oh, fuck no. That shit'll kill you. Instantaneous food isn't even really food."
"Not instantaneous food, dude... Next door to it!" Wes points again, clutches my arm like we're on some kind of fucking monster vid date night. Not sure why, but I kinda shudder again. Still thinking about my last experience with instantaneous food, I guess.
"XtremeWarrior" I squint at the sign. "The Ultimate Virtual Reality Combat Xperience."
"Devin, can we do it?" Wes is fucking vibrating. "Can we? Please? Pretty please?"
"Thought you didn't even like live-action fighting games, Wes."
"Zack and I played one a few days ago when he was staying with us. I kept tripping over my own feet, but it was so much fun! And you - you're so great at fighting, Devin. I know you'd love it!"
My stomach does this sick little flip. Don't really want to think about the time Zack spent in our house, or the way I made Wes mad. Still haven't really apologized for calling his parents spies. He seems fine now, but I can't help remembering how fucking hurt he looked. How he didn't even want to be around me. Wes always fucking wants to be around me.
I open my mouth to say no. It's one thing to kick Wes's ass at SimFighting. Flailing like a discombobulated fucking squealer monkey in public's another. Not that I'm embarrassed. I've been wearing a Closed Fucking Circuit shirt all morning anyway. This is just too much like exercise. Or sports. I'm not really into fucking sports.
Only Wes is smiling so big I swear I can see my reflection in it. How the fuck do I tell him no?
"Fine, whatever," I mutter.
Wes doesn't stop babbling for one second on the walk to XtremeWarrior. His enormous grin never falters, either. We stand in line, pay, pick up our "combat" gear and his whole face is lit up the entire fucking time. By the time we put on our helmets and enter the "combat" arena, I'm smiling too. Just a tiny bit.
Can't fucking help it. Wes just has that effect on people.
Really have to hand it to Wes. This XtremeWarrior game's kinda fun - best part of my day so far.
Turns out my virtual body's way more coordinated than my real one. Wes is another fucking story. He's every bit as goofy and gawky in here as always. If we weren't playing co-op, he'd be dying every 5 nanoseconds just like in SimFighting. Being on the same team's fun, though. I keep having to save his ass, not that I fucking mind.
It hasn't taken the other players long to notice how terrible he is, target him at every opportunity. Wes doesn't care. His eyes are shining with excitement. He's all but fucking glowing. It's kinda... fucking adorable. Wonder if smiling too much in VR will make my actual face sore.
Fake nanoblaster fire comes streaking toward Wes's head. I push him out of the way.
"Thanks, dude." Wes staggers, grins at me, totally unselfconscious.
A giant monster comes out of nowhere, goes for Wes's virtual head. I grab his arm, yank him out of its reach. Wes stumbles, falling into me and almost knocking me down. I swear he's fucking giggling as he clutches at me, trying to regain his balance.
It's a mystery to me, the way the tiniest things make him happy. How even his own humiliation's a source of complete and utter joy. How does he even fucking do that?
"Devin, look out!" Wes yells, breaking into my thoughts. Next thing I know, his whole body's hurtling toward me. Shoving me out of the path of a laser grenade I was too distracted to see. He slams me into the virtual wall of the pretend cave we're in. Knocks all the fake wind right out of me.
I don't move for a minute, just stand there with Wes's face all but touching mine. He's all smashed up against me like we're fucking lovers but I barely notice. Too busy trying to catch my breath. My heart's pounding a mile a minute, the way he just startled me. Is it hot in here? Think the temperature control's fucking wonky.
Man, this VR shit's fucking insane. Have to remind myself my real lungs have plenty of air.
"You okay, dude?" Wes is staring at me. He still hasn't moved. Think he's all that's holding me up.
"Yeah." I feel funny. Off-balance. Inhaling and exhaling are fucking involuntary, right? Doesn't feel that way right now. Have to focus to make them happen. Breathe deep. Form sentences. I can do this. "Just... wasn't expecting that."
Wes is giving me a weird look. Can't figure out why. He's awfully fucking quiet for Wes, too.
Still can't seem to move. Wes's belt buckle's digging into my hip and it fucking hurts. Not sure why I'm rooted in place like this. A fake laser sizzles the air next to my ear. I push Wes down just moments before another slices through the space where his head would've been. Then I dive for cover. If there's one thing I'm good at, it's fucking escaping.
We're both laughing when we stumble outside. Best 30 queems I've spent in a long fucking time. I sit down on the edge of the sidewalk, take a deep breath. Want to enjoy this day as long as I can. My hair's still awful and I'm still wearing that humiliating fucking shirt, but I'm trying to think about it. Everything else? Kinda fucking perfect.
Air's fresh, kinda cool - there's a breeze for a change. Summer's supposed to be over after Reaping, but it never fucking is. Don't even really have fall on this side of the fence. Stupid desert climate - summer's fucking interminable, and then all of a sudden it's almost Wintertide. Don't like summer, and I don't really like Wintertide much, either.
Today's nice, though. Spending it alone with Wes is, too. Don't really like all these fucking people in my house. Makes it kinda hard to fucking think. Hard to breathe. Can't just watch a vid with Wes whenever I want, and I can't even let him hug me without everyone watching. Fucking eyes always on me, making my skin crawl and -
Speaking of Wes. Why isn't he yapping about that combat game and how great it was? Hasn't sat down next to me, either. That can't be right, because he always wants to be next to me. Always wants to touch me, even when we're in fucking public.
"Hey, Wes?"
"Yeah, dude." His voice comes from behind me, quiet and fucking subdued.
I turn around to see what he's doing, and he's just... standing there. Standing on the sidewalk and not doing anything. Something's wrong, all right. He's always in motion. Always smiling. Now he's still, not smiling - not even fucking looking at me. He's always fucking looking at me.
"Thanks for talking me into playing that game," I say. "It was fucking epic."
"No problem, dude."
I'm not convinced. Pretty sure there's a fucking problem, just not sure what it is. Don't get how I'm a fucking supergenius and I can't even figure out my own best friend. Try to think back, remember when I last saw Wes smile.
Remember Wes shoved up against me, pinning me to the wall. The way he looked at me then.
Kinda feel like I'm back in that room now. Non-existent walls closing in on me, virtual air knocked out of my lungs. Except there's a cool breeze ruffling my atrocious hair, and I force myself to breathe it in. Force myself to fucking think.
I know how Wes fucking feels about me. Always have. He never pressures me, knows I don't feel the same and doesn't get mad. But I pushed him. He was up against me and I fucking pushed him and what if he thinks I thought he was gonna -
Don't know what he thinks. Just know he's hurting and I need to fucking fix it.
I stretch, stand up. Turn to face him. "You didn't suck at it too much, either. Not like you do at SimFighting. You saved my ass that one time. Too bad you pretty much crushed my fucking ribcage in the process." Fucking brilliant.
Wes looks up. Meets my eyes with his so huge and wistful it makes my chest fucking ache.
I'm such a fucking asshole. Wes cheers me up all the time, doesn't even have to try because just being with him makes me happy. Too bad I can't do the same for him, and I can't stand to see him like this either. He's supposed to be happy. Fucking deserves to be.
What would Wes fucking do?
Strange thing is, I kinda want to hug him. Know he'd hug me if I was feeling sad. Does fucking hug me, whether I'm happy or sad or tired. Touches me all the time, grabs me and gropes me and -
I'm not a fucking hugger. And in public? Oh, fuck no.
But the alternative's staring me right in the face. His face all wrong with its sad fucking eyes and no goofy grin. So I put my arm around him, do what I have to do. Just a tiny squeeze. He flinches, squeaks a little. Tries to squirm away.
Really? Except I fucking get that.
"You know what?" I feel so fucking awkward, like I'm talking to myself. "This stupid shirt? I lied. It's mine. Don't even have a fucking sister, Wes. Truth is, I used to love Closed Circuit, okay? Even went to a concert once. Think I was the only dude there."
Wes makes this tiny noise and flings his arms around me.
I feel fucking ridiculous. We're in public. It's broad daylight. I'm so not a fucking hugger.
"Devin, this is why I - " His words are muffled by my embarrassing shirt. "This is why you're my best friend."
"You're my best friend, too." I want to pull away. Not really comfortable with all this touching where everyone can fucking see. Just want Wes to be okay, though. I pat him on the back a few times instead. That's fucking manly, right? "But can you let go now? Think my intestines are about to come out my ears."
"Sorry, dude." Wes steps back, grinning. About fucking time. "Hey, what about that chip?"
"Fuck it, man." I smooth my fucking hideous clothes, try to straighten my lost-cause hair. Put my hands in my pockets. "That thing doesn't even fucking exist. Let's just buy everything and go home."
(Next chapter is here)
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no subject
Date: 2013-02-04 02:21 pm (UTC)Seriously, reading these in order just makes it painfully apparent that Devin wasn't always an asshole and that he was capable of understanding what was going on (kinda) with Wes. Even if he's not so aware of his own feelings yet. He's still there for his best friend and wants to make sure he's happy and I just oh god and The Reason by Hoobastank is playing on Pandora now and noooooooooooo.
My feels are broken okay because I know how bad this is all gonna get.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-04 02:41 pm (UTC)I'm glad it's working for you (even though you have a soft spot for Devin anyway) but it's killing me for the same reason. I know how bad things are gonna get. There may be some missing context, but the basic events aren't going to change and I'm pretty sure of that. And they're going to hurt me more with these edits coming first, too.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-04 11:12 pm (UTC)And then everything goes to shit, and it is major, major *sadface*.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-05 03:51 am (UTC)It's making me pretty sad thinking about how they could have been versus how things ended up. Nice job, Kalen.
no subject
Date: 2013-02-05 03:47 am (UTC)Good rewrite though. I wish I had something more to say but it's late. Had to stay up to read though. :P
no subject
Date: 2013-02-05 03:53 am (UTC)It makes me sad, too.
Thank you for staying up late to read this! <3
the fun stuff
Date: 2013-03-23 05:43 pm (UTC)Um... Devin & Wes. The end.
No, you need more than that.
The guys getting kicked out of their own house... priceless. I also like the detail that Devin can't function without his coffee.
My hair's fucking tragic.
This line cracked me up. The fact that he cares about his hair is pretty funny.
"Closed Circuit"
Awesome name for a band. Interesting little tidbit about Devin enjoying pop music.
Totally LOVED the names of the electronics stores. The xs are just hilarious. And "McSplodey's"... Too much. Love it.
I love Devin's response when Wes calls him "pretty." He doesn't get angry, just tells him not to call him that. He doesn't even mention the princess part.
More Devin denial and jealousy. Perfect. I liked that he felt some guilt about insulting Wes, too. And again Wes can talk Devin into doing anything. That's a great part of his character.
And now the whole virtual fighting thing. The last 2 scenes are the best. There's action and interesting facts about their technology. I love that Wes likes to do the sim fighting and stuff because it makes Devin happy even though he sucks at it.
Um, a million points for the sexual tension--my favorite thing in a book along with angst. Belt buckle. Right.
I think my favorite part, though, was Devin trying to figure out what to do after, knowing he hurt Wes' feelings and couldn't bare the thought of that. That shows a lot of character depth for Devin. Oh and his little confession about the shirt. So sweet.
I liked Wes' near slip-up too about his feelings. Poor guy. Has to be hard to live that lie, pretending their nothing more than good friends. Makes me want to hug him.
Ugh...my notes are so crappy for this chapter. Definitely not up to my usual snuff. I am still have all sorts of issues of getting my brain to process things. I'm still having issues typing which is pissing me the hell off. And anything I write sounds like crap (including this comment). Can't figure out what's wrong with me but I guess I just have to push through it.
Anyway. There was a lot I liked about this chapter. Of course, you are making Devin likeable and kind of sweet in his own crazy way. The fact that he wanted so badly to make Wes feel better... just gives warm fuzzies. And that he actually knows how Wes feels and isn't oblivious was sweet. For me (reading this as someone who sort of knows what's going on and the history of the book) I like how it balances Devin's behavior. Because the way Wes acts in previous chapters would normally be perceived as inappropriate with the touching and hugging all the time (if they are just roommates or just friends as he says). I like that he wiggles out of his grip, feels uncomfortable and confused but still lets Wes do it. Their relationship is so off the wall it's adorable. So I loved all these scenes in that they explored the relationship. And they were funny and cute. Oh, and I mentioned the sexual tension right?
(now on to the not so fun stuff)
Re: the fun stuff
Date: 2013-03-23 06:18 pm (UTC)Devin always cares about his hair. He's obsessed with it being perfect. He has special deep conditioner he ordered on the Splinternet. In the last version of the book, Calla played a prank on him where she put glitter in his shampoo and he lost his shit. It wasn't pretty, but it isn't in this version because (a) I need more space for plot and (b) Calla and Devin have a different relationship in this version.
Yesssss. I'm really glad you liked the sexual tension, as well as Devin's reaction to it. Devin's an ass, but he does care about Wes and he does know that Wes has feelings for him (which I didn't exactly realize until I did the rewrite of this chapter).
Re: the fun stuff
Date: 2013-03-23 06:39 pm (UTC)I think it's funny because, for one, most guys don't care much about their appearance. And two, Devin comes off as the kind of guy that doesn't care about what people think which makes it odd that he'd get so jacked up over his hair.
It's funny because it seems so out of place for his character which is perfect because it adds depth. It's a funny little quirk for him to have.
Re: the fun stuff
Date: 2013-03-23 06:44 pm (UTC)Re: the fun stuff
Date: 2013-03-23 07:08 pm (UTC)About him caring. At this point in the story we don't know much about Devin so it still seems funny that he cares about something as unimportant as hair because he comes off as caring about nothing (except for Wes and what Wes thinks). It works. Kind of foreshadows his caring later on.
Re: the fun stuff
Date: 2013-03-23 09:06 pm (UTC)structure/form
Date: 2013-03-23 05:59 pm (UTC)Um, the first scene. It's all dialogue. There are a few tags and thoughts after some but there are only 4 lines that don't start with dialogue. That's kind of a no-no. It just makes things hard to follow and repetitive. I think scenes like that have a place but in shorter fiction (I enjoy writing all dialogue stories). In a book scenes that do a quick back and forth would be okay but they would still only be like 5 or 6 lines long before they are broken up.
There should be a few lines that start with information then the dialogue so it's not so monotonous.
I swear my brain is not working. The only example I can think of (because I can't seem to really think) is this line:
"'Sokay, you're still pretty." His huge goofy smile's back. "C'mon, let's find you some SynthBrew."
With this one you could put the "His huge goofy..." at the beginning and combine the two sentences of dialogue and it will still read the same. With others you could start with an "I sigh" or something like that. It just reads... I don't know. I kept going back to make sure I knew who was speaking when even though there were only 2 people in the scene.
The mention of SynthBrew got a bit repetitive. I think you established pretty quick in the first scene that Devin needs his coffee in the morning but he keeps saying it over and over. And it goes on into the next scene, too. I think part of it is because of the word itself. It stands out on a page because it's capitalized and it's different. But you'd have the same problem if you called it coffee. After using it so many times it would sound awkward. Plus with the SynthBrew it loses it's coolness impact when it's used constantly.
I'm sure there was something else I was going to say on the writing part side of things. If I think of it I'll stick it in my next comment or something.
Re: structure/form
Date: 2013-03-23 06:11 pm (UTC)He's totally not awake, and the dialogue-only was my (possibly clumsy) way of trying to convey that. Where he's normally all rambly and stuff, he really doesn't have any thoughts because he's just too out of it. If the dialogue-only doesn't convey that effectively, do you have any idea what would be a better way? I'm open to suggestions. :D
Or do you just want more dialogue tags as opposed to more thinky thoughts?
I'll cut some of the references to SynthBrew -- thanks. Devin is obsessive by nature, and sometimes I have to censor the hell out of him because what he thinks about and notices doesn't necessarily bear any resemblance to what the rest of the world thinks is relevant or interesting to read. And obviously, "interesting to read" is kinda important. :D
Re: structure/form
Date: 2013-03-23 06:36 pm (UTC)But shorten it up and once he gets his coffee have him become more observant. He can even be confused because he was so out of it. Like he could be wondering how the hell they got to the cafe or where the hell did Wes go even though Wes told him exactly where he was going.
You could shorten the 1st scene by like half (with some added coherent thoughts by Devin) then combine it with scene 2. Personally I'd cut both scenes down even with combining them. But that's me.
I liked the segue into scene 3.
Re: structure/form
Date: 2013-03-23 06:42 pm (UTC)Now that I think about it, I have no idea why I didn't think of that in the first place. It's actually perfect for Devin's thought process and (if I do keep this chapter) adds a little bit to it because it shows how "off" his thought processes are. Which, by the way, is plot-relevant.
please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 06:26 pm (UTC)My first thought reading this trying to maintain objectivity as a reader (which was hard having read the boner!fic which I'm still laughing about) was... this is cute but what does it have to do with anything. It kind of distracted me.
It also got me thinking of my own novel because this is exactly what I did during my rough draft. There were a lot of scenes that were cute, angsty with tons of sexual tension. they were fun to read but since I've been revising I realize I can't use most of them because, well, their kind of pointless. They don't move the plot along and have no real function other than the sexual tension.
I remembered reading something the other day about this and went back to find this part:
For each scene ask:
-Title?
-What's the purpose of the scene?
-What action happens?
-What do we learn that's new?
I believe the article was about plotting/outlining before writing but I thought this little questionnaire would help us both as we decide what stays in our books.
So my first question is? What's the purpose of this chapter? Is it to show Devin and Wes' relationship? That seems to be the only reason it's in the book.
What action happens? The guys go out for the day, play virtual fighting, get into an intimate situation then resolve it. It's cute and all but
What do we learn that's new?
We already know that Wes has a thing for Devin. We know Devin is in denial about his feelings for Wes and that he's confused. I did like the development at the end of Devin realizing he needs Wes to be happy otherwise he's upset. And that he's willing to humiliate himself in public to make it happen. That's a lot more than friendship.
But is there some other way this information can be imparted without an entire chapter devoted to it.
Um, also, is there an actual point to this chapter? They get kicked out of their house to find a chip. A chip that doesn't exist for a reason that seems fabricated and they go home without it. It's very contrived and doesn't serve to advance the plot.
Which brings me to another thought that's been bugging me. The scenes (especially 5 and 6) were pretty good. But I got thinking--do they advance the plot? And don't feel bad because I'm asking the same thing about my rewritten chapters (maybe that's why I'm frustrated and can't seem to write...I'm being hard on myself). The last 2 chapters start setting some conflict up. This doesn't really set anything up, doesn't answer any of the questions from previous chapters. Honestly, it reads like a story written out of order with no idea what came before or will come after. Or a fanfic. I've written and read a lot of fanfic and this is the format a lot of them take--a peek into the lives of 2 characters that couldn't be provided because it didn't fit into the book/movie/tv show because of pacing and plot.
Now I, personally, want to see the sexual tension part in the book. I'm not sure how to add that in, though, without a huge convoluted chapter. And this is where my limited brain function will really show because I'm having trouble coming up with examples. The only one that popped into my head (and is stupid) was that the two of them get shoved close to each other at home because there's just too many people in the house. Maybe there's a big argument which gets everyone heated up, Wes is trying to calm Devin again and Calla storms out which shoves them together (she's pretty damn big so that's believable). Whether anyone else watches their little scene... I don't know. It's an idiotic example.
But I keep coming back to this chapter not fitting. I want it to fit, but it really doesn't and I don't know how to fix that. It makes...
It makes the beginning of the book feel like a collection of disconnected scenes. Even the chapters sometimes feel disconnected from scene to scene. Maybe it's because there are too many short little scenes within a chapter. Each feels like it's only little story instead of flowing together.
I think that's what I'm trying to say. I'm probably not making sense and you're now glaring at my words thinking I'm an idiot (I wouldn't blame you).
I'm not much help today.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 06:38 pm (UTC)Here is the thing. It is important that I show every possible nice thing about Devin. It is important I show he cares about Wes. It's important I show his perception of the world and how it differs from reality. Without giving any spoilers, all I can say is there's only a limited point within the book that I can show these things. This may not be the way to do it, but it needs to be shown and it needs to be shown more than once. And it needs to be shown from his POV, which is hard because he doesn't like that.
I mean... I will cut it if I have to. I have cut things I love already because they didn't serve any purpose. I will do it again if necessary. But I wonder... is it this chapter that makes the beginning of the book feel like a series of disconnected scenes? Or is it the fact that the beginning (all of the chapters kind of ARE that way)? If I make the other chapters flow into each other better, add world-building, etc, does that make this one work better or does it just make it stand out more?
These are honest questions -- not defensiveness. I'm not afraid to cut things. If there's a better way to show the relationship between Wes and Devin somewhere else, I'm open to it. But their relationship is plot-relevant, and it's harder for me to show it well when other characters are around. Wes turns into a spaz and Devin doesn't express himself. And when they're by themselves, they don't really seem to do plot-relevant things other than be themselves. And that is important, because a lot of the book is about their relationship. But if the reader is going to get to this chapter and be like "fuck this, the book has no point" and put it down, then it's not doing me any good anyway.
So, um, help me figure it out? :D
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 06:56 pm (UTC)I'm trying to get my brain working so I can be more helpful (and I'm about to lock my door because the kids keep barging in to tell me random things even though I said I was working).
Damn, where are all those good ideas (relatively speaking) that came so easily last week? Ugh.
You know, it might work better if the entire thing is condensed into one scene then added together with something to explains why they left. Or shows what's going on elsewhere. Make them actually going out to get something important to the plot. I'm not sure that really works either.
ARGH I'm going to pull my hair out.
Okay, I'm going to have to make a note to come back to this scene. It's like ideas are there, floating around the edges of my perception. I can feel them, but can't see them. Hopefully this fog will clear soon so I can concentrate.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 07:01 pm (UTC)Chapter 8 explains why they left, and one of the questions I almost asked you before you read this one was whether that one should come before this one. Because chapters 8 and 9 are both fairly plotty, so maybe this one (if I keep it) needs to go between them.
The main thing this chapter shows is Devin's mental state and his relationship with Wes. Those are important. So I think the trick is how to make it not annoy the reader because "why are you telling me this". Etc.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 06:52 pm (UTC)One more thing. Calla sending them out for the chip is contrived. It's explained in the next chapter.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 07:03 pm (UTC)This just sparked something (first time I've had a spark in days).
If this is put in between the kidnapping stuff it could be that Devin is really wanting to get Wes alone, out of the house, away from Zack. He's obviously jealous (although that's mostly been hinted at) and doesn't like Zack around Wes.
This could be his attempt to get Wes away from him for a day. Not sure about the chip thing. It didn't sound like the chip was relevant (since they suspect it was just an excuse to kick them out of the house.)
What if instead they volunteer to go get stuff. Or Wes does and Devin, against his better judgment, jumps at the chance to go, makes up some stupid excuse and is so out of it that early in the morning (maybe he was woke up by an argument or something from the others) and so worried (ooh, oooh, maybe Zack offers to go with) that he forgets about his appearance. And it's not until he gets his coffee that he realizes he's a mess.
Wes would be loving the fact that Devin actually wanted to do something with him. And that could make Devin's "rejection" at the end hurt even more.
ooooooh, I really like that idea.
You'd still need a plot relative reason why they need to leave the house. Maybe there is a chip and instead of being kicked out Wes just says he'll do it.
Something like that.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 07:07 pm (UTC)I totally agree with this working better if it happens while Zack is still in the house, though. And explains why Devin isn't even grumpier about being kicked out and lets it happen, etc.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 07:16 pm (UTC)At least (ARGH Damn Meagan keeps coming in and making me lose my train of thought!) to me it does. I think the whole chapter would need to be shorter, more condensed otherwise it slows down the pace.
Of course, all this depends on what comes next that I will try to read later (maybe when the kids are in bed--that's when I get the bulk of my work done).
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 09:03 pm (UTC)I can't believe you thought I would hate you! This is why you are awesome. Thbbbbbt. Also, I ask myself ALL THE TIME "why do I need this chapter?" about everything. So don't feel bad.
One thing I'm also thinking is I could cut the mopey/jealous Devin scene from the previous chapter because Devin trying to get Wes out of the house and away from Zack in this one kind of eliminates the need for it. Which I'm sure you won't be crying any tears over since you hated that scene anyway, haha. Although I do need to add something to that chapter where Calla sees Devin isn't exactly like Morgan. Maybe. Or maybe she doesn't figure that out until later, which is fine, too.
I'm sorry your child keeps bugging you! You're still helping me a lot, though. :)
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 10:27 pm (UTC)The last couple weeks it wasn't too big a deal but with the way my brain has been working the last few days--not good. They come in and I immediately forget whatever was in my head. Ugh.
I just spent the last hour or so gutting my novel. I haven't written anything but I plotted out up to chapter 29. In my original that was almost at the end. Now it's like midway through act II. Not looking too good for making this thing short. I'm going to have to cut so much when I'm done.
I was able to reuse a few chapters. At least parts of them so I'm not scrapping everything I wrote before. I think it's starting to make sense now and will work to show the growth between Colby and Zoe.
I'm still totally going to have to rewrite what I wrote the other day because it sucked so bad. I think I should probably do today's writing on the fanfic I started yesterday. I don't care so much if that sucks right now. I just don't want to have even more to edit in the novel later. Ugh.
Oh, but then genius me--went and hurt my hand. I have no idea what I did but I twisted my right hand around like I was stretching my wrist and felt something pop in my thumb. Just shook it off figuring I tweaked something and it would be fine in a few minutes. So I'm trying away at something (just a minute or so) and when I pick my hand up off the keyboard and tried to bend my thumb it was excruciating pain from my thumb up to my elbow. Had to have my husband get me some ice.
It'll feel fine for a little but but then it starts hurting if I move my thumb at all. It's the thumb I use to hit the space bar (could never train myself to use both thumbs). So not helping with my writing. I knew I should have done it earlier, lol.
On top of that my husband's insurance ran out at work so me and the kids are no longer covered. COBRA is way too expensive. He either needs to get back to work in the next couple of weeks or... we're kind of screwed. I can apply for state aid for the kids (they easily qualify for free medical) but I'm completely uninsured now. Figures.
He's hoping to go back next month. Fingers crossed. He hasn't worked since July. Hope my hand feels better in the morning, too.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 11:19 pm (UTC)I'm really distractible, so people interrupting me in general drives me nuts.
Yay for you and your gutting and outlining! After I finish this fanfic, I'm going to outline the rest of where I think the book is going at this point. I have notes for that already in Scrivener, but since some things have changed as I've rewritten, I want to get it all outlined in one place and evaluate whether I think anything I haven't already noted is going to change going forward. Although I still haven't decided whether I'm doing that first or writing the next chapter (which is already outlined).
I'm sorry about your hand. :\
Is your husband out of work because he got laid off or did he have a health issue or what? You don't have to answer that if it's too nosy or personal.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-23 11:50 pm (UTC)I finally had to put my foot down about people barging in every 10 seconds. Mostly with my husband because he was as bad as the kids. I went off on him one night because he's been bugging me for years to write a novel (and make us rich... yeah right) but then when I was writing it he was coming in interrupting me constantly. Since then he's been better. But after that night it seems to work when I yell, "I'm writing so leave me alone!" then slam my door.
I'm not sure why the distractions haven't been so distracting lately. Must be a brain chemistry thing.
I was just researching word counts to see what the average suggested count was for a YA novel. One agent says 55k-70k (longer for sci-fi/fantasy). ARGH! I was shooting for 80k to start with (which I've seen as pretty normal for YA lately) but it got way over 100k. I've known for awhile I was going to have to do a lot of trimming.
The first act is almost completely written and it's already over 20k and is supposed to be only 1/4 of the book. Grrr. The middle part is going to be long. I'm frustrated already and since I'm technically rewriting a great portion of the text I don't really have a 1st draft done.
Anyway... yeah, just needed to get that out. Of course, as a reader, I love the longer books. I get so into a book I don't want it to end. The one I'm reading now (a sequel) is 564 pages for a YA novel which is like 140k words.
Oh, my husband--he hurt his shoulder last year some time. Thought he pulled a muscle and it got so bad last July he had to go on OJI (on the job injury). He ended up having a tear in his rotator cuff and had surgery back in January. He's been on worker's comp for awhile. But his short term disability insurance that includes keeping our medical ran out this month. Of course. Just hope none of the kids does something stupid. So far we've survived 12 1/2 years without a significant injury or illness necessitating ER visits or hospitalization. Amazing. Not a single broken bone. No stitches (although Brenna cut her foot when she was 6 on a piece of glass, went to Urgent Care and they cleaned it up, no stitches).
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-24 02:00 am (UTC)I hope your husband can go back to work soon. That sounds stressful for all of you.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-24 03:07 am (UTC)Right now, based on scenes I already wrote that I'm including (although I plan to only use pieces of them) plus the new stuff I have written I have about 47k words. And that's for less than half the book so something will have to give.
I need to go write now. I'm an 81 day writing streak (today will be day 82). I think I've wrote more this past 3 months than I have the whole rest of my life, lol. Okay, that's not actually true because I wrote 150k words last year and 180k words the year before. I'm at 180k for the year and it's only March.
Re: please don't hate me
Date: 2013-03-24 01:57 am (UTC)I wonder if the Calla-kicking-them-out part could stay, but I make it clearer why they don't just go home when they realize the chip doesn't exist? (Because Devin wants an excuse to be with Wes, away from Zack.)
Or does that still feel too contrived to you?
I'd cut the jealous!Devin scene from the previous chapter either way, because this chapter explains all of that anyway if I add those bits in.