Sounds Like a Plan (Cliffton book 1, chapter 8)

[n3m3sis43]

Concrit much appreciated. This is chapter 8 of Cliffton book 1, now edited and hopefully beta-ready. If you are looking for the older version for comparison purposes, it is here No warnings. At some point in the book, there will be warnings.

If you're reading Cliffton for the first time, here are the previous chapters so you can catch up:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7



"Wake up, Princess." I'm not entirely used to my robotic voice yet, but I do love the way it carries in a quiet room.

Devin's not nearly as impressed by my vocal talents as I am. All he does is groan slightly and pull the covers over his head. Clearly, he's going to be tougher to wake up than Wes was. Of course he is.

I look around the room, contemplating my next move. It's strangely spare, nothing like Wes's or my brothers' back home. Devin's got no posters on his walls, no desk covered with models, no cast-off clothes or dirty boots to trip over - nothing at all besides a bed and a lamp on a little table. It's unnatural and a little unnerving. A boy's room ought to be messy, a pit of clutter that never comes clean no matter how many times his ma hollers at him to tidy up.

If I still had a heart, it'd break at the thought of my ma and my tidy room where I'll never sleep again. Not that I sleep anymore anyway, and there's really no point in dwelling on the past when I've got a job to do.

My electronic body's got so many features that'll make the task at hand a breeze. Which one to use first? The possibilities are endless. Only yesterday, I realized I can make a disturbingly loud screeching noise if I turn on "Voice Amplification Mode" and whistle at the same time. Who knew this information would come in handy so soon?

"Not that one, Wes," Devin mumbles sleepily after the noise dies away. "Too fucking big."

Apparently, Devin's a heavy sleeper. Good thing I brought this air horn.

"I TOLD YOU THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER'S TOO FUCKING BIG FOR THIS ROOM!" Devin sits bolt upright, blinks, and rubs at his face with a confused expression.

I don't bother waiting for him to collect himself. As far as I can tell, that's going to take a few hours anyway. There's no time like the present, so I grab him by the arm and yank him out of bed. "Get dressed," I order. "NOW."

Devin just sways on his feet and blinks at me some more. "But... shower?"

"Nope." I shake my head. "No time."

"Need sleep..." He struggles weakly, trying to break my grasp.

"You've had plenty of sleep." I tell him. "Now it's time to get up. I've got an important errand for you."

"Where's Wes?" Devin narrows his eyes at me suspiciously.

"You'll see." I guide him swiftly over to the door of his closet. "Same place you're going as soon as you GET DRESSED."

"Too early," Devin whines.

I sigh. His ma obviously didn't raise him right. My ma wouldn't have put up with this sort of nonsense.

This is pointless. I let go of Devin's arm and stomp exasperatedly into the closet alone. If I want him out of here any time soon, I'm obviously going to have to do everything myself. Devin keeps his closet as compulsively neat as his room, but I'm not interested in admiring his organizational scheme right now. I grab the first shirt and pair of pants I see and emerge to find him curled up in bed again. He looks so peaceful, I almost hate to disturb him.

Oh, wait - no, I don't. Bringing the air horn was definitely a good idea.

* * * * *
If my metal face were capable of smiling, I'd grin like a fool at the memory of shoving Wes and Devin out the front door, Devin mumbling a pathetic "No SynthBrew?" as I slammed it behind them. Instead, I stretch out on the couch and appreciate a morning free of Wes's squeaky voice. It's wonderful, but I can't focus on it for long. There's business to attend to. I march down the hall to Kalen's room and knocks on the door.

"We've got to talk," I tell Kalen when he opens it.

"About what?" He's fully dressed and seems awake enough. So much the better.

"Why don't we talk about it over a nice hot meal?" I'm agreeable enough to know you always fill a man's belly if you want him to cooperate. That's why I had Wes cook up Kalen's favorite breakfast before he left. "We've got the whole upstairs to ourselves."

"What about Wes and Devin?" Kalen looks oddly hesitant, as if I've given him any reason not to trust me.

"Oh, they'll be gone a while." I laugh as I head for the kitchen. "I sent them out to find that ID-10T chip you needed."

"Um, CallaBot? I don't even know what an ID-10T chip is," Kalen protests as he follows me.

"Of course you don't, because it doesn't exist!" I snicker. "Too bad the Simple Twins don't know that." I should feel remorseful for sending them on a fool's errand, right? Except they are fools, so I'm really just helping them fulfill their destinies.

Kalen laughs out loud as he slides into a chair. "So, what'd you want to talk about?"

"Breakfast first," I remind him, wandering into the kitchen to retrieve the cheesy hash brown casserole Wes insists is Kalen's breakfast of choice. It looks greasy enough to lubricate my robotic joints, but I hold my tongue. It's awfully disagreeable to comment on others' cooking.

Kalen tucks into his food, a contented smile spreading across his face. It's the first time in weeks I've seen him without a slack-jawed, half-dazed look about him. Wes may be supremely foolish, but apparently he knows his way around the kitchen.

"You never told me what happened after the explosion." Now's as good a time as any to ask, while he still looks happy. "Why didn't you meet me at the tree like we planned? I thought you were dead."

"I panicked." His smile fades like the sun before a summer storm, guilt etched into his handsome features. "I - my mind just went blank, and I started running. I didn't even know where I was going until I ended up here - didn't think at all, just headed for the first place I knew I'd be safe." He traces his finger over the lines of the wooden table top, his cheeks a dusky rose. "You were right all along, CallaBot. I'm not rebellion material, and this whole plan was a mistake. I'm so sorry."

Kalen's clearly ashamed of what he's done, so why do I only feel contempt for him now?

"By the time I went back for you," he continues, still intent on the patterns in the wood grain before him, "there were troops everywhere. There was no way I could make it to the hideout without backup. I thought maybe Wes and Devin would have contacts who could fight, being insurgents and all. They said they didn't know anyone like that, though, so I had no choice but to lay low here until I could build some robot reinforcements."

"Are you serious, Kalen? Wes and Devin couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. How in the whispering willows could you have ever thought those two were insurgents?"

"I... they..." Kalen's blushing harder than ever now. Even he knows he's ridiculous. "I've known Devin since I was in ninth year, okay? He was very... passionate about the War being pointless and cruel. And he knows how to build bombs and things. I just... I don't know, I just kind of assumed. On this side of the fence, everyone who questions the War's an insurgent."

I suppose I can't entirely fault him for that. On my side of the fence, a woman who won't take one of the boring approved professions or perform wifely duties is practically an insurgent. Besides, from the dejected look on his face, Kalen's punished himself enough already. What's important now's that we all move forward.

"So, where do we go from here?" I ask him.

"Where can we go?" Kalen looks up at me, fear and confusion plain in his big blue eyes. "I mean, I get it - I screwed up. The bomb never should have exploded, and I never should have brought us here after. I'm pretty sure Devin's still mad at me for that, too, but we don't really have anywhere else to go, do we? We're fugitives now."

It's hard to identify what I'm feeling. There's probably a loose wire somewhere inside me, or else part of me didn't make it into my neural whatsis when I turned into a robot. All I've felt since then's mostly anger, and maybe that's all I can feel now. Except right now, I'm sorry for Kalen. He's so sad and lost, not one bit like the boy I first met back in the tree when summer began.

"I meant the question a little less literally." No matter how gently I try to speak, my voice always has that metallic edge. I can't even smile to soften the words. "What are we going to do now? We thought we had a chance to stop the War and we risked everything to try. Who's to say we shouldn't keep trying? We're marked as terrorists now anyway."

"You... you still think we can stop the War?" Kalen breathes.

I haven't the slightest clue, but what else are we supposed to do? We can hardly lead normal lives now.

"What matters most is what you think," I say. "They all think you're the leader, you know."

"The leader?" Kalen stares miserably at the table. "That's like calling Wes and Devin insurgents, isn't it? You don't understand, CallaBot. My whole life, I've molded myself into whatever people wanted me to be. I was good at it, too - an exemplary student, a shining example of the perfect young man. People worshiped me, and it was all a lie. And then - " His voice cracks. "And then the one time I tried to do something I believed in... well, you see how well that worked out."

"You have to try." I reach for Kalen's hand across the table and give it what I hope's a light squeeze. From the way he flinches, I'm guessing it's more forceful than I meant it to be. "Wes and Devin trust you, and right now we need them. We don't have anywhere else to go, and besides, they're not entirely useless. They've got technical skills, and they found you the parts to build a bomb. But they need a leader. They need you."

"What if I don't want to be a leader?" Kalen whines in a way that'd grate on my nerves if I had any. "I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not."

Well, I didn't want to be a robot, and I didn't want to be forced to rely on two buffoons I barely know for shelter. And shining stars above, they didn't want to be involved in any of this. Besides, what about Brendan? I'm sure he didn't want to be banned for life from the military he always dreamed of joining.

"I don't think it's about what you want anymore, Kalen." This time, I make no attempt to soften the brittle edge in my voice. It's a good thing I'm not in my bug body anymore, because that one fired lasers when I narrowed my eyes.

It'd probably be bad if I accidentally killed Kalen, regardless of how much I might want to right now.

* * * * *
How many hours are we going to sit at this table before I finally snap and laser Kalen?

Our conversation's not going anywhere. I've tried to talk strategy, but I don't think Kalen's interested. He only stares at the table in front of him, barely saying a word. What's happened to all his passion? Where's the charming smile and the twinkle in his eye that convinced me to follow him into this whole ridiculous mess in the first place?

"Why don't we focus on the present for now," I say. Maybe the future's too much for Kalen to deal with at the moment. "If we're going to accomplish anything, we've got to learn to work as a team first. We've got to address our... personnel issues."

"What issues?" Kalen squints at me like I'm some sort of logic puzzle. "Everyone seems okay to me."

I slap my metal forehead with a loud clang. He can't be serious.

Our team's practically nothing but issues. We've got Brendan, who doesn't leave the basement except for meals. Wes, who's naive enough to trust his parents to spy on everyone except him. Devin, who doesn't trust anyone but overlooks the gaping Wes-shaped hole in his "fucking epic" security system.

It's almost a relief when the front door crashes open. "We're home, anyone miss us?" Wes hollers.

"Well, it certainly took you two long enough," I snort. "Let me guess - you got lost?"

"Didn't get fucking lost, okay?" Devin appears beside Wes, hair in disarray and a massive burlap sack in his hands. "Wes talked to all our Splinternet contacts. We looked fucking everywhere. Couldn't find a fucking thing about an ID-10T chip. Sure that thing even fucking exists?" He meets my eyes with a knowing smirk as he dumps the contents of the bag on the table.

"What's all this?" Kalen lets out a loud snicker, apparently oblivious to the fact the Simple Twins are onto my little ruse. He's already digging through his ill-gotten bounty, chuckling to himself as he does.

"Brought back one of everything," Devin explains. "Wouldn't want you to be without your fucking crucial robot parts. Funny, though - didn't even know you were working on any robots."

"I'm always - " Kalen barely manages to stifle a laugh. "I'm always working on robots."

"Fucking fabulous. Being an errand boy's only one of the many services I provide." Devin's actually grinning now. "Don't even have to worry about paying me back. You can just take care of all the cleaning for the next month."

Kalen furrows his brow, but he doesn't argue. Apparently, even he's got more sense than that.

"Hey! I almost forgot!" Wes squeaks, breaking the silence. "While we were out, Devin and I came up with a plan for an intelligence mission. Since Kalen's a terrorist, that makes us all terrorists now, right?"

"Yeah." Devin's eyes light up. "Wes found something on the Splinternet. Top-secret weapons demonstration of all the latest and fucking greatest technology. Stuff that can't be found anywhere yet. We could - we could, um - " He's so excited he's talking nearly as fast as Wes, tripping over his own words. "We could fucking infiltrate it. It'd be fucking epic!"

I've got serious doubts about trusting these two anywhere near a government event. Still, they're both showing far more initiative than our supposed leader, who's still engrossed in his new toys and clearly hasn't heard a word. Meanwhile, both Wes and Devin are watching Kalen, waiting for his approval. I'd dearly love to laser him just a little, but instead I kick him hard under the table.

"Ow!" Kalen yells, finally looking up. "What?"

"Never mind, Fearless Leader." I snort. "Wes and Devin want to plan an intelligence mission. Since you can't seem to pay attention, I'll help them with the details, and I'll go with them to make sure they stay out of trouble. Got any problems with that?"

"No problem," Kalen mutters, staring at the chips before him again. "Sounds like a plan."

It looks like we've got one more personnel issue to address - Kalen, the leader who can't be bothered to lead.


(Next chapter is here)

Comments

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

I love this. I love Calla and I am impressed you managed to make me feel bad for Kalen. Originally I didn't, but in this version I definitely did. Poor baby is obviously lost and confused and doesn't even know where to start -- not that he even wants to try, at this point. I get Calla's frustration with him -- and in later parts it'll be very obvious that Kalen's just...not leadership material.

Also, Devin being all excited and very-Wes like is adorable. Obviously the two of them had fun on their little outing, but it's just really cool to see a happy and mostly-functioning Devin. It'll be fun to see how things go from here. :)

[x-disturbed-x.livejournal.com]

I wish Devin could stay like this.

On another note I love Calla's voice here and her conversation with Kalen. Suddenly I don't want to smack him upside head. :P

[alien-writings.livejournal.com]

Aw, I actually did feel bad for Kalen in this version. In a way, that makes him almost more frustrating, because it's like "you could be so much more than you ended up being, dude!" I get why he's not, but it's still a bit sad.

Add me to the people who wish Devin could stay all (relatively) well-adjusted and happy like this. His acting like Wes was quite adorable...and everything has to go to shit, doesn't it?

scene 1

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Okay, first off since it's on my mind. The first scene was really funny. I loved seeing how Call woke Devin up. But since this scene takes place before the previous chapter seemed really out of place.

Although you said you might take it out with the next rewrite depending on what you did with the chapter 7 I think you should at least try to rework it in somewhere because it's funny. You might have to change it but keep some of it.

There was some good information in there about Calla learning about her abilities. Also the rocket launcher thing was hilarious. I want to know what the hell Devin dreams about, lol.

Another thing that came to mind but is completely nit-picky was the house. Just the way it's described. I assume the story takes place in the distant future but when their house is described I think of something now, in the suburbs or something. It's got at least 3 bedrooms plus a basement with a bathroom. I don't even have a house that nice. Devin is always worried about money so it seems weird he'd choose to live in such a big, nice house (with apparently walk in closets!). When I think of it on my own I picture the two of them living in a little run down 2 bedroom with a sagging front porch, shutters falling off, paint peeling. In side the carpet has been torn out, the furniture is old and broken, the kitchen is kind of antiquated but useable (and tiny because old houses had tiny kitchens) and every space has junk on it. The I remind myself Devin is kind of a neat freak so maybe the house is in order on the inside even if it's falling apart. I also picture an entire neighborhood of rundown little houses, maybe some better taken care of than other but still a poor man's neighborhood.

But when I read your descriptions it comes off as this nice, big house with all the amenities. And it sounds so modern.

I guess I get the whole rundown thing because there's supposed to be this endless war going on around them so I figure there's not enough resources put towards housing. People live where they can find a roof, no matter how full of holes it is. Except maybe in the center of the city where the important, rich people live where they are always building towers and more housing for the wealthy. I don't think Wes and Devin live in the worst possibly neighborhood--jut something that was probably middle class at some time but because of the war it's fallen on hard times and is struggling to get by.

Again, that's just nitpicky stuff but because what I imagine is now what you describe I keep getting pulled out of the story. Or I have to skip your descriptions and stick to my own (which means rewriting it all in my head as I read).

That's what came to mind when I read scene 1. Kind of all over the place.

scene 2

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

Okay, this is one of those scenes that is hard to critique since you haven't decided on what happened after the bombing (whether Kalen stayed with Calla or not).

But based on the other chapters as written some notes.

There is a lot of information in this scene. Some of it's good (and should be kept/recycled in some form into a new chapter/other chapters).

Kalen explaining what happened after the bombing is good information (more on this later). The stuff about people looking to Kalen as the leader (although I have no idea why). The stuff about Kalen and his behavior change--very important. Finally mentioning Calla's issue with her emotions--really good.

It's all good information but I think it could be related in a better way. The chapter comes off as... I don't know. I can't seem to find the right word for it. It feels like too much explaining. This is what happened here. This is what happened next. Then this happened. Explaining everything that went on in their morning--very laboriously. By the time they got to actually talking I was skipping over stuff that was unimportant (like his breakfast). And I know I harped about details before but sometimes less is more.

The explanation Kalen gives Calla about what happened after the bomb just fell flat. It was way too direct. She asks and he just says it matter of factly. Which could be fine but it still sounds odd to hear someone confess like that with no emotion or care. It was too much telling it felt like. And I really can't explain what I mean.

I think it would have worked better something like this:
His smile fades like the sun before a summer storm, guilt etched into his handsome features. He fidgets in his seat, squirming around, lifting his fork as if to take a bite then putting it back down. "I... uh..." He takes out a long breath then blows it out in a puff. His voice is low when he speaks, full of shame. "I panicked, okay. You were right all along. I'm not rebellion material, and this whole plan was a mistake. I'm so stupid. When the bomb went off I freaked out and ran. To protect myself. That's all I was thinking of." He stares at the table as if it held all the answers to the universe. "I'm so sorry."

What I wrote still conveys all the same information but sounds more natural. I think that's the word I was looking for before. What he said originally didn't feel natural. Honestly, the whole scene felt unnatural. Just really weird and out of place.

As for Kalen--I did not feel sorry for him. I felt like punching him in the face for being a whiny bitch. He needs something more redeeming to feel sorry for him. Maybe some actual remorse. Maybe him actually kind of trying instead of just hiding out. In that scene that could be just him getting irritated with Calla for what she's saying. Human emotions are complicated and even though he's feeling sorry for himself and thinks he's worthless he could still get defensive when someone else points it out. Not much. He could get all inflated and huffy then it could fizzle out as he realizes Calla is right. He could also say something like, "you're right but I don't know what to do about it." Or something.

Also you might want him to emphasis how he doesn't want to be a leader and he's refusing his "call" to be one. Not sure if he ever picks up the mantle later on.

scene 3

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I just remembered another point I was going to bring up from scene 2. Calla explaining to Kalen where Wes & Devin are. This smacked of "the reader is too stupid to figure this out" kind of thing. Based on how the chapters are written we already found out where Wes and Devin are and how Calla got rid of them. There's no reason for her to reiterate it (and it comes off as patronizing to the reader, and boring--I just skipped over it since I already knew this information). It would work much better if she just said, "Oh, they'll be gone a while." No, Kalen won't be in on the secret but the reader is.

Which leads into scene 3. In that all the stuff about where Wes and Devin were is unneeded information. We know what they were doing (looking for the chip). Devin could make some sarcastic comment about how they didn't find her chip but here's all this and dump it at her feet. A good toe to toe snarkfest between Devin and Calla would be good while Wes enthusiastically shows Kalen everything they got.

And by this time, based on Kalen's behavior, I'd think they'd all be looking elsewhere for leadership.

Also about the insurgency. You might want to add in the detail that they are insurgents in name only earlier in the book. Because I keep picturing sleeper cells or something. They're just going about their business waiting for SideB's army to activate them as spies or whatever. They don't even realize it. The way this chapter describes them they are all talk and insurgent is a pretty common term for a dissenter (whether they take action or not).

This would work as a good set up for them actually being real insurgents though. Like Calla makes Kalen realize they really aren't important, just two guys hanging out and bitching about the government so he loses some faith. Only to have it revealed they are highly trained and activated later on. That's just what I get from the first few chapters. I doubt that's what happens.

Which leads me to another point I had wanted to make. The POVs. I've been thinking about it because this is now chapter 8 and we haven't seen Wes or Kalen's POV which I think would be important to rounding out the views and their characters. I know you said they have chapters later on but it kind of seems late already to introduce them even in chapter 8. These are actually really long chapters. I just checked and chapter 8 is like 2600 words long. that's like 10 pages of a published book. That is a loooong chapter. I noticed recently when I'm reading that long chapters bug me. It's partly because I use them as stop points. So when it gets late I tell myself I'll read until the end of the chapter. Four pages later I'm really sleepy and look to find I still have 15 pages to go! Then I get mad that I have to stop mid-chapter.

Anyway. Leaving their POVs out until 100+ pages into the book just makes their appearance seem weird. Out of place. By that time you're used to seeing everything from Calla, Devin or Brendan. Then suddenly Wes! Then he disappears for awhile. Doesn't really work. You need to be more balanced. Which would mean adding scenes or rewriting some from a different POV.

I actually had the POV thing happen in a book. I forget which one but it stuck with me because it irked the hell out of me. The book had gone back and forth between 2 POVs pretty steadily (although mostly randomly) for like the first half of the book. Then all of a sudden there was as scene from some other character's POV then went back to the regular one and that POV was never mentioned again and I was like WTF! I had to go back and reread it to make sure I didn't read it wrong. It left me in a bad mood for a couple of chapters. It was just random and screwed with the rhythm and flow of the book.

Just some thoughts on that.