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n3m3sis43If you're reading Cliffton for the first time, here are the previous chapters so you can catch up:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
"Wake up, Princess." I'm not entirely used to my robotic voice yet, but I do love the way it carries in a quiet room.
Devin's not nearly as impressed by my vocal talents as I am. All he does is groan slightly and pull the covers over his head. Clearly, he's going to be tougher to wake up than Wes was. Of course he is.
I look around the room, contemplating my next move. It's strangely spare, nothing like Wes's or my brothers' back home. Devin's got no posters on his walls, no desk covered with models, no cast-off clothes or dirty boots to trip over - nothing at all besides a bed and a lamp on a little table. It's unnatural and a little unnerving. A boy's room ought to be messy, a pit of clutter that never comes clean no matter how many times his ma hollers at him to tidy up.
If I still had a heart, it'd break at the thought of my ma and my tidy room where I'll never sleep again. Not that I sleep anymore anyway, and there's really no point in dwelling on the past when I've got a job to do.
My electronic body's got so many features that'll make the task at hand a breeze. Which one to use first? The possibilities are endless. Only yesterday, I realized I can make a disturbingly loud screeching noise if I turn on "Voice Amplification Mode" and whistle at the same time. Who knew this information would come in handy so soon?
"Not that one, Wes," Devin mumbles sleepily after the noise dies away. "Too fucking big."
Apparently, Devin's a heavy sleeper. Good thing I brought this air horn.
"I TOLD YOU THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER'S TOO FUCKING BIG FOR THIS ROOM!" Devin sits bolt upright, blinks, and rubs at his face with a confused expression.
I don't bother waiting for him to collect himself. As far as I can tell, that's going to take a few hours anyway. There's no time like the present, so I grab him by the arm and yank him out of bed. "Get dressed," I order. "NOW."
Devin just sways on his feet and blinks at me some more. "But... shower?"
"Nope." I shake my head. "No time."
"Need sleep..." He struggles weakly, trying to break my grasp.
"You've had plenty of sleep." I tell him. "Now it's time to get up. I've got an important errand for you."
"Where's Wes?" Devin narrows his eyes at me suspiciously.
"You'll see." I guide him swiftly over to the door of his closet. "Same place you're going as soon as you GET DRESSED."
"Too early," Devin whines.
I sigh. His ma obviously didn't raise him right. My ma wouldn't have put up with this sort of nonsense.
This is pointless. I let go of Devin's arm and stomp exasperatedly into the closet alone. If I want him out of here any time soon, I'm obviously going to have to do everything myself. Devin keeps his closet as compulsively neat as his room, but I'm not interested in admiring his organizational scheme right now. I grab the first shirt and pair of pants I see and emerge to find him curled up in bed again. He looks so peaceful, I almost hate to disturb him.
Oh, wait - no, I don't. Bringing the air horn was definitely a good idea.
If my metal face were capable of smiling, I'd grin like a fool at the memory of shoving Wes and Devin out the front door, Devin mumbling a pathetic "No SynthBrew?" as I slammed it behind them. Instead, I stretch out on the couch and appreciate a morning free of Wes's squeaky voice. It's wonderful, but I can't focus on it for long. There's business to attend to. I march down the hall to Kalen's room and knocks on the door.
"We've got to talk," I tell Kalen when he opens it.
"About what?" He's fully dressed and seems awake enough. So much the better.
"Why don't we talk about it over a nice hot meal?" I'm agreeable enough to know you always fill a man's belly if you want him to cooperate. That's why I had Wes cook up Kalen's favorite breakfast before he left. "We've got the whole upstairs to ourselves."
"What about Wes and Devin?" Kalen looks oddly hesitant, as if I've given him any reason not to trust me.
"Oh, they'll be gone a while." I laugh as I head for the kitchen. "I sent them out to find that ID-10T chip you needed."
"Um, CallaBot? I don't even know what an ID-10T chip is," Kalen protests as he follows me.
"Of course you don't, because it doesn't exist!" I snicker. "Too bad the Simple Twins don't know that." I should feel remorseful for sending them on a fool's errand, right? Except they are fools, so I'm really just helping them fulfill their destinies.
Kalen laughs out loud as he slides into a chair. "So, what'd you want to talk about?"
"Breakfast first," I remind him, wandering into the kitchen to retrieve the cheesy hash brown casserole Wes insists is Kalen's breakfast of choice. It looks greasy enough to lubricate my robotic joints, but I hold my tongue. It's awfully disagreeable to comment on others' cooking.
Kalen tucks into his food, a contented smile spreading across his face. It's the first time in weeks I've seen him without a slack-jawed, half-dazed look about him. Wes may be supremely foolish, but apparently he knows his way around the kitchen.
"You never told me what happened after the explosion." Now's as good a time as any to ask, while he still looks happy. "Why didn't you meet me at the tree like we planned? I thought you were dead."
"I panicked." His smile fades like the sun before a summer storm, guilt etched into his handsome features. "I - my mind just went blank, and I started running. I didn't even know where I was going until I ended up here - didn't think at all, just headed for the first place I knew I'd be safe." He traces his finger over the lines of the wooden table top, his cheeks a dusky rose. "You were right all along, CallaBot. I'm not rebellion material, and this whole plan was a mistake. I'm so sorry."
Kalen's clearly ashamed of what he's done, so why do I only feel contempt for him now?
"By the time I went back for you," he continues, still intent on the patterns in the wood grain before him, "there were troops everywhere. There was no way I could make it to the hideout without backup. I thought maybe Wes and Devin would have contacts who could fight, being insurgents and all. They said they didn't know anyone like that, though, so I had no choice but to lay low here until I could build some robot reinforcements."
"Are you serious, Kalen? Wes and Devin couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. How in the whispering willows could you have ever thought those two were insurgents?"
"I... they..." Kalen's blushing harder than ever now. Even he knows he's ridiculous. "I've known Devin since I was in ninth year, okay? He was very... passionate about the War being pointless and cruel. And he knows how to build bombs and things. I just... I don't know, I just kind of assumed. On this side of the fence, everyone who questions the War's an insurgent."
I suppose I can't entirely fault him for that. On my side of the fence, a woman who won't take one of the boring approved professions or perform wifely duties is practically an insurgent. Besides, from the dejected look on his face, Kalen's punished himself enough already. What's important now's that we all move forward.
"So, where do we go from here?" I ask him.
"Where can we go?" Kalen looks up at me, fear and confusion plain in his big blue eyes. "I mean, I get it - I screwed up. The bomb never should have exploded, and I never should have brought us here after. I'm pretty sure Devin's still mad at me for that, too, but we don't really have anywhere else to go, do we? We're fugitives now."
It's hard to identify what I'm feeling. There's probably a loose wire somewhere inside me, or else part of me didn't make it into my neural whatsis when I turned into a robot. All I've felt since then's mostly anger, and maybe that's all I can feel now. Except right now, I'm sorry for Kalen. He's so sad and lost, not one bit like the boy I first met back in the tree when summer began.
"I meant the question a little less literally." No matter how gently I try to speak, my voice always has that metallic edge. I can't even smile to soften the words. "What are we going to do now? We thought we had a chance to stop the War and we risked everything to try. Who's to say we shouldn't keep trying? We're marked as terrorists now anyway."
"You... you still think we can stop the War?" Kalen breathes.
I haven't the slightest clue, but what else are we supposed to do? We can hardly lead normal lives now.
"What matters most is what you think," I say. "They all think you're the leader, you know."
"The leader?" Kalen stares miserably at the table. "That's like calling Wes and Devin insurgents, isn't it? You don't understand, CallaBot. My whole life, I've molded myself into whatever people wanted me to be. I was good at it, too - an exemplary student, a shining example of the perfect young man. People worshiped me, and it was all a lie. And then - " His voice cracks. "And then the one time I tried to do something I believed in... well, you see how well that worked out."
"You have to try." I reach for Kalen's hand across the table and give it what I hope's a light squeeze. From the way he flinches, I'm guessing it's more forceful than I meant it to be. "Wes and Devin trust you, and right now we need them. We don't have anywhere else to go, and besides, they're not entirely useless. They've got technical skills, and they found you the parts to build a bomb. But they need a leader. They need you."
"What if I don't want to be a leader?" Kalen whines in a way that'd grate on my nerves if I had any. "I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not."
Well, I didn't want to be a robot, and I didn't want to be forced to rely on two buffoons I barely know for shelter. And shining stars above, they didn't want to be involved in any of this. Besides, what about Brendan? I'm sure he didn't want to be banned for life from the military he always dreamed of joining.
"I don't think it's about what you want anymore, Kalen." This time, I make no attempt to soften the brittle edge in my voice. It's a good thing I'm not in my bug body anymore, because that one fired lasers when I narrowed my eyes.
It'd probably be bad if I accidentally killed Kalen, regardless of how much I might want to right now.
How many hours are we going to sit at this table before I finally snap and laser Kalen?
Our conversation's not going anywhere. I've tried to talk strategy, but I don't think Kalen's interested. He only stares at the table in front of him, barely saying a word. What's happened to all his passion? Where's the charming smile and the twinkle in his eye that convinced me to follow him into this whole ridiculous mess in the first place?
"Why don't we focus on the present for now," I say. Maybe the future's too much for Kalen to deal with at the moment. "If we're going to accomplish anything, we've got to learn to work as a team first. We've got to address our... personnel issues."
"What issues?" Kalen squints at me like I'm some sort of logic puzzle. "Everyone seems okay to me."
I slap my metal forehead with a loud clang. He can't be serious.
Our team's practically nothing but issues. We've got Brendan, who doesn't leave the basement except for meals. Wes, who's naive enough to trust his parents to spy on everyone except him. Devin, who doesn't trust anyone but overlooks the gaping Wes-shaped hole in his "fucking epic" security system.
It's almost a relief when the front door crashes open. "We're home, anyone miss us?" Wes hollers.
"Well, it certainly took you two long enough," I snort. "Let me guess - you got lost?"
"Didn't get fucking lost, okay?" Devin appears beside Wes, hair in disarray and a massive burlap sack in his hands. "Wes talked to all our Splinternet contacts. We looked fucking everywhere. Couldn't find a fucking thing about an ID-10T chip. Sure that thing even fucking exists?" He meets my eyes with a knowing smirk as he dumps the contents of the bag on the table.
"What's all this?" Kalen lets out a loud snicker, apparently oblivious to the fact the Simple Twins are onto my little ruse. He's already digging through his ill-gotten bounty, chuckling to himself as he does.
"Brought back one of everything," Devin explains. "Wouldn't want you to be without your fucking crucial robot parts. Funny, though - didn't even know you were working on any robots."
"I'm always - " Kalen barely manages to stifle a laugh. "I'm always working on robots."
"Fucking fabulous. Being an errand boy's only one of the many services I provide." Devin's actually grinning now. "Don't even have to worry about paying me back. You can just take care of all the cleaning for the next month."
Kalen furrows his brow, but he doesn't argue. Apparently, even he's got more sense than that.
"Hey! I almost forgot!" Wes squeaks, breaking the silence. "While we were out, Devin and I came up with a plan for an intelligence mission. Since Kalen's a terrorist, that makes us all terrorists now, right?"
"Yeah." Devin's eyes light up. "Wes found something on the Splinternet. Top-secret weapons demonstration of all the latest and fucking greatest technology. Stuff that can't be found anywhere yet. We could - we could, um - " He's so excited he's talking nearly as fast as Wes, tripping over his own words. "We could fucking infiltrate it. It'd be fucking epic!"
I've got serious doubts about trusting these two anywhere near a government event. Still, they're both showing far more initiative than our supposed leader, who's still engrossed in his new toys and clearly hasn't heard a word. Meanwhile, both Wes and Devin are watching Kalen, waiting for his approval. I'd dearly love to laser him just a little, but instead I kick him hard under the table.
"Ow!" Kalen yells, finally looking up. "What?"
"Never mind, Fearless Leader." I snort. "Wes and Devin want to plan an intelligence mission. Since you can't seem to pay attention, I'll help them with the details, and I'll go with them to make sure they stay out of trouble. Got any problems with that?"
"No problem," Kalen mutters, staring at the chips before him again. "Sounds like a plan."
It looks like we've got one more personnel issue to address - Kalen, the leader who can't be bothered to lead.
(Next chapter is here)
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Date: 2013-02-07 01:43 pm (UTC)Also, Devin being all excited and very-Wes like is adorable. Obviously the two of them had fun on their little outing, but it's just really cool to see a happy and mostly-functioning Devin. It'll be fun to see how things go from here. :)
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Date: 2013-02-07 07:54 pm (UTC)Happy Devin makes me kinda sad. I think it's because I know he's not gonna be around much longer. But it's fun to write him happy and at least somewhat functional/likable. :D
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Date: 2013-02-07 05:24 pm (UTC)On another note I love Calla's voice here and her conversation with Kalen. Suddenly I don't want to smack him upside head. :P
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Date: 2013-02-07 07:27 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2013-02-07 07:31 pm (UTC)Thanks so much. I realized when I did the rewrite of the first chapter that I kind of shortchanged Kalen by not sharing more of what's going on with him throughout the book, so I'm trying to bring that out a little more. It's harder, because he's not as vocal in my head as some of the other characters. So I'm glad if that's coming through some.
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Date: 2013-02-08 12:39 pm (UTC)Add me to the people who wish Devin could stay all (relatively) well-adjusted and happy like this. His acting like Wes was quite adorable...and everything has to go to shit, doesn't it?
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Date: 2013-02-08 01:00 pm (UTC)Oh, how I wish Devin could stay this way. I was mad at him the first time I wrote most of these stories (because of reasons lol) and it didn't really sink in how happy and (relatively) sane he was at the beginning. It makes me sad.
scene 1
Date: 2013-03-25 05:30 pm (UTC)Although you said you might take it out with the next rewrite depending on what you did with the chapter 7 I think you should at least try to rework it in somewhere because it's funny. You might have to change it but keep some of it.
There was some good information in there about Calla learning about her abilities. Also the rocket launcher thing was hilarious. I want to know what the hell Devin dreams about, lol.
Another thing that came to mind but is completely nit-picky was the house. Just the way it's described. I assume the story takes place in the distant future but when their house is described I think of something now, in the suburbs or something. It's got at least 3 bedrooms plus a basement with a bathroom. I don't even have a house that nice. Devin is always worried about money so it seems weird he'd choose to live in such a big, nice house (with apparently walk in closets!). When I think of it on my own I picture the two of them living in a little run down 2 bedroom with a sagging front porch, shutters falling off, paint peeling. In side the carpet has been torn out, the furniture is old and broken, the kitchen is kind of antiquated but useable (and tiny because old houses had tiny kitchens) and every space has junk on it. The I remind myself Devin is kind of a neat freak so maybe the house is in order on the inside even if it's falling apart. I also picture an entire neighborhood of rundown little houses, maybe some better taken care of than other but still a poor man's neighborhood.
But when I read your descriptions it comes off as this nice, big house with all the amenities. And it sounds so modern.
I guess I get the whole rundown thing because there's supposed to be this endless war going on around them so I figure there's not enough resources put towards housing. People live where they can find a roof, no matter how full of holes it is. Except maybe in the center of the city where the important, rich people live where they are always building towers and more housing for the wealthy. I don't think Wes and Devin live in the worst possibly neighborhood--jut something that was probably middle class at some time but because of the war it's fallen on hard times and is struggling to get by.
Again, that's just nitpicky stuff but because what I imagine is now what you describe I keep getting pulled out of the story. Or I have to skip your descriptions and stick to my own (which means rewriting it all in my head as I read).
That's what came to mind when I read scene 1. Kind of all over the place.
Re: scene 1
Date: 2013-03-25 05:48 pm (UTC)What I kind of want to do is still have Calla kick Wes and Devin out of the house (because she so would). Since I am stretching out the whole "hostage" subplot, Zack will still be living in the house at the time this chapter (and the previous one from Devin's POV) take place. So even though Calla's reason for kicking them out is contrived (so she can talk to Kalen without them around -- and I guess she might have to get Brendan to take Zack somewhere, I don't know), their reason for staying out is Devin wants to be alone with Wes (when Zack isn't around). Or is that still too contrived?
This is Brendan's description of the neighborhood (from chapter 5):
At least Kalen's found us a place to stay. Guess we might be getting close to it now, because the scenery we're trudging past has shifted. One minute we're in the middle of the desert and the next we're in this residential area with big old houses and scraggly tumblebrush lawns. It's not a fancy neighborhood, but you can tell people take pride in their homes. A lot of them have little rock gardens or other ornaments in front and the buildings themselves seem well-maintained.
I follow Kalen up the pebbled driveway of one of the houses. It's painted a weird dark purple but the ornamental cacti in front are trimmed just so. There's a wind sock tacked up by the front door that looks like some kind of dragon, maybe? I'm not sure what it is, but it's monster-y and has big fangs.
So, it's like a middle-classish neighborhood that's not super fancy and the houses are older, big, and reasonably well maintained. Kind of like this house I used to rent when I was younger (and would theoretically be able to afford to own now if it had not long since been bulldozed, but for sure wouldn't have at Devin's age).
Devin is always worried about money because Devin is always worried about money. He never had any growing up. And he's Devin.
With that said... he should not be able to afford the house. I'm pretty sure he is doing illegal things to afford the house.
Illegal things he is not proud of and does not want to talk about. Maybe this is something that needs to be acknowledged in the story somehow?
Re: scene 1
Date: 2013-03-25 06:33 pm (UTC)Maybe Calla can just scare Zack out of the house by glaring at him. Her eyes should totally still do the glowy laser of doom thing. She'd just have to look at him and say, "out," and he'd scatter. Brendan would be shut up in the basement using the weights and not know anything was going on. Just a thought.
I do think elements of this scene should show up somewhere. Devin's reactions to being woken up was great. I think it explains better his need for coffee in the morning than him constantly stating he needs it from the chapter before. It's pretty obvious from this scene he's not a morning person.
Re: scene 1
Date: 2013-03-25 06:50 pm (UTC)Re: scene 1
Date: 2013-03-25 06:04 pm (UTC)scene 2
Date: 2013-03-25 06:03 pm (UTC)But based on the other chapters as written some notes.
There is a lot of information in this scene. Some of it's good (and should be kept/recycled in some form into a new chapter/other chapters).
Kalen explaining what happened after the bombing is good information (more on this later). The stuff about people looking to Kalen as the leader (although I have no idea why). The stuff about Kalen and his behavior change--very important. Finally mentioning Calla's issue with her emotions--really good.
It's all good information but I think it could be related in a better way. The chapter comes off as... I don't know. I can't seem to find the right word for it. It feels like too much explaining. This is what happened here. This is what happened next. Then this happened. Explaining everything that went on in their morning--very laboriously. By the time they got to actually talking I was skipping over stuff that was unimportant (like his breakfast). And I know I harped about details before but sometimes less is more.
The explanation Kalen gives Calla about what happened after the bomb just fell flat. It was way too direct. She asks and he just says it matter of factly. Which could be fine but it still sounds odd to hear someone confess like that with no emotion or care. It was too much telling it felt like. And I really can't explain what I mean.
I think it would have worked better something like this:
His smile fades like the sun before a summer storm, guilt etched into his handsome features. He fidgets in his seat, squirming around, lifting his fork as if to take a bite then putting it back down. "I... uh..." He takes out a long breath then blows it out in a puff. His voice is low when he speaks, full of shame. "I panicked, okay. You were right all along. I'm not rebellion material, and this whole plan was a mistake. I'm so stupid. When the bomb went off I freaked out and ran. To protect myself. That's all I was thinking of." He stares at the table as if it held all the answers to the universe. "I'm so sorry."
What I wrote still conveys all the same information but sounds more natural. I think that's the word I was looking for before. What he said originally didn't feel natural. Honestly, the whole scene felt unnatural. Just really weird and out of place.
As for Kalen--I did not feel sorry for him. I felt like punching him in the face for being a whiny bitch. He needs something more redeeming to feel sorry for him. Maybe some actual remorse. Maybe him actually kind of trying instead of just hiding out. In that scene that could be just him getting irritated with Calla for what she's saying. Human emotions are complicated and even though he's feeling sorry for himself and thinks he's worthless he could still get defensive when someone else points it out. Not much. He could get all inflated and huffy then it could fizzle out as he realizes Calla is right. He could also say something like, "you're right but I don't know what to do about it." Or something.
Also you might want him to emphasis how he doesn't want to be a leader and he's refusing his "call" to be one. Not sure if he ever picks up the mantle later on.
scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 06:04 pm (UTC)I think my problem with Kalen's character is (based on the written earlier chapters) it's fake. Everything that is set up earlier is taken away. I get that is in a funk for almost killing people and screwing everything up but even then people maintain some of their personality. He's been trained as a fighter, no? Has worked with the military or something. He's a genius. He'd have at least some resiliency I'd think. And the brains to move forward.
Really what he needs is a metaphorical slap in the face from Calla and then for him to stand up and start acting like the Kalen from the first chapter. If he's not going to do that then something from the beginning needs to be changed.
Same with his friendship with Calla. We talked about it before (how it wasn't important and might be cut). I think you should either weave a real friendship into the rest of the story or show them different at the beginning. Even Kalen's cockiness and stuff. It doesn't seem right for him to be so cocky when he's such a whiny bitch. He can have the bravado but maybe if Calla mentions that she thinks it is bravado and not real cockiness, that sometimes he seems like two completely different people with his behavior the later stuff might seem believable.
I have no idea if any of that made sense or if I sounded like a jerk. I'm still having trouble getting my brain to work which is starting to piss me off because it makes explaining what I mean nearly impossible.
The main point I was trying to make for this scene was there has to be a better way to get this information across.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 06:19 pm (UTC)The part that is staying is the refusing to be a leader part. Kalen doesn't want to be a leader. He didn't ask to be. He doesn't think it's fair that other people expect him to. Granted, he got everyone into this situation and even he knows that. Every genius with fighting experience isn't equipped to be a leader, though. He isn't. It's going to come up again later, but he feels that if other people care about this cause so much, one of them should step up and lead.
Here is my problem with Kalen. I have the same issue you do, and I'm still not sure how to fix it. Let me start by saying that I also do not feel sorry for him -- he pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Because he's that kind of "genius" that is book smart but doesn't get people at all. He fit in at school by learning to follow the rules, most of which Brendan taught him.
Kalen in the first chapter is Calla's perception of Kalen. It probably is more bravado and desperation than real confidence. That, and he's learned to put on a good face because it makes people like him. Calla does not have the experience with Kalen's people or men in general to understand any of this, when she meets him or after his sudden (apparent) change in personality.
I wonder if there's a way to make him act more "off" or unsure or something for some short period of time in the first chapter. Because Calla is not going to get that it's not the real Kalen. He's been putting on a show for people his whole life. After the explosion, he loses the will to do that. As far as Calla's concerned, he does completely change. Help me figure out how to show that convincingly? Maybe this is a place where Brendan's POV could be helpful somewhere between the beginning and now. Because Brendan would probably get more of that than Calla's going to be able to.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 06:56 pm (UTC)As for showing Kalen's other side.
Honestly I think you're going to have to break down and show it from Kalen's POV no matter how hard that is to write. I think all 5 POVs should show up within the first couple of chapters. I would (and this is just my opinion based on how I write) chop of the chapters and show 2 opposing viewpoints for each, changing with the scenes. Maybe not every single one but some of them.
Like starting by showing Calla meeting Kalen and being totally relaxed with him, describing how he's confident and cocky and all that. But then, maybe have the next chapter be them going to the library from Kalen's POV and how anxious he is and how it's totally not him.
That way Calla still has no idea why Kalen isn't acting like himself but the reader knows exactly what is going on and won't completely hate Kalen. They'll probably dislike him but they'll understand why he's acting that way. Even if they still want to punch him in the face.
I kind of think you're getting stuck with the way your characters speak to you. This is not a slam against your methods. I just think you're going to have to eventually think past what they tell you. Sometimes they aren't reliable narrators which can work for a story but if every single one is unreliable the story becomes confusing.
Like the not describing things because a character wouldn't think that way. That's fine but I think in later rewrites you will have to put words into their mouths because they need to do these things to make the book readable. A real editor would tell you the same thing and make you rewrite it before they'd publish it.
I've been reading experiences from published authors and some of them talked about their first experiences. About editors telling them they like the book but needed to cut 50k words before they'd consider publishing. Or having editors tell them to completely change the plot (keeping the overall premise). That's harsh. But it's reality.
And I'm totally not trying to stifle your creativity or process. I think you should keep going as your going but keep in mind this kind of stuff. Another point would be your focus on the characters. It's great but they need a good plot to build on. I know you're working on that but it's going to be something major to make all the character changes believable. And I'm totally talking out my ass because I pretty much wrote my novel the same way--scenes that show the characters but with no plot to connect all the scenes together. They were nice scenes and all but the story was blah.
Part of the trouble I'm having now is molding those scenes onto the framework of an actual plot. It is not easy. I had to change the entire premise of the book, change POVs, introduce new characters, take out old characters (and I might take out another including the entire subplot that I love).
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 10:40 pm (UTC)Secondly, character-driven people? Really need someone to tell them "oh, honey, I have no idea why the character would do THAT" (because we're dumb and haven't provided the proper context or maybe the scene isn't in the right place or whatever) or "why is this whole scene even RELEVANT?" (because our perspective is all jacked). So, um, yeah. Don't ever stop. Please. Unless you just can't stand it anymore, and then um, stop. :)
And, like, with the chapters I've rewritten and know I'm going to rework again, having you go through and say "use this somewhere" or "I don't get why you have this at all" is super helpful". Or like "I want to punch Kalen" (you should and people usually do) or "I want to slap Devin" (you probably should always want to but I don't particularly want you to in that chapter). It's good to know your reaction versus my perception of that character at that point in time, so I can figure out if I'm showing it wrong or the character is OOC or my scenes are out of order or what.
Hopefully when I say stuff back to you it doesn't come off pissy. Like with the Kalen thing? It has been bothering me bigtime ever since I rewrote chapter 1. Calla's view of Kalen there doesn't go with how Kalen actually is in the book, for the most part. I am beyond grateful for suggestions on how to deal with this! So as soon as you bring something like that up I just want to barf out like every detail I can think of related to it so you can help me fix it. :D
I like the idea of giving him an earlier POV, although I kind of want to start it with the bomb scene (because if I break it up more then all 5 characters don't get introduced in the first 5 chapters). Starting the rewrite with Brendan was my friend Alicia's idea and I'm hoping it also helps not set the reader's expectation that Kalen is one of the heroes of the story (if there are any) and that his friendship with Calla is what the book is about. They do reconnect eventually, but I think it's mostly near the end and it's shaky for a whiiiile.
You're right. Sometimes I am going to have to put words in my characters' mouths. The thing I want to do as much as possible is stay in voice and in character while I'm doing it. That's a hard balance!
And maaaaan. I kind of wish I could tell you my plot. I mean, I could tell you it in a vague sense I guess? Because I swear there is plot. The part you're getting to now is where they decide to become insurgents anyway (well, Calla decides and people more or less go along with her). Spoiler: they suck at it. They eventually suck at it less. It takes a while, though.
There is more plot than that but I feel like I shouldn't reveal it? I guess I could vague it up in terms like "Devin gets a plot-relevant job" and "Wes discovers an interesting and relevant thing but no one believes him" (the next two chapters I was about to write if I were not rewriting right now) because I'd sort of like your input on how to reveal it at a proper pace and balance it with character drama (which I guess I could also try to vague up). Because I want to outline the whole thing within the next week or so and yikes, scary.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-26 03:19 am (UTC)I really don't know what to do with the first few chapters either. I get your dilemma about how much to show and where to start it.
The only thing I can think of is the whole doing the bombing scene as a prologue then start chapter one with something like "one week ago" and then go linearly which might mean chopping up the chapters to keep things in order. Like starting with Devin helping build the bomb (just that scene) then show Brendan confronting Kalen about what he's doing with a flashback to when they were kids or something else. Then maybe write something new for Calla's POV like something that happens with her at home in the week before the bombing or a scene with her and Kalen (maybe with the flashback of them meeting). Then go back to show the Devin/Wes stuff although I'd put a Wes chapter in there showing what was going on though his POV (just a little). Keep the chapters short. Then Kalen's POV as their going to the bombing or right after like when they're running through the woods or whatever.
I would probably mean rearranging some of the events in time but still in a logical order.
Trying to figure out where you would fit Brendan's stuff in there with that timeline. Because I like what you suggested about the scene with him and his nemesis.
I guess you could show the stuff with Kalen and Calla escaping then jump to Brendan dealing with the fallout. Maybe his nemesis confronts him about his traitor brother as he's waiting to do his enlistment interview which could trigger another flashback of him and her going at it (maybe literally, lol).
Spoiler: they suck at it. They eventually suck at it less.
This just cracked me up
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-26 09:50 am (UTC)Hmmm, I like the idea of starting with the bomb scene. Although if I start with it, it would probably be Calla's POV instead of Kalen's like I was going to change it to. I don't like starting with Kalen's POV since he's kind of invisible in the book (although I'm trying to force him out more, too).
Or else... starting with just the scene of Brendan in the recruiting office after the bomb, followed by some flashbacks and then rage?
I do AND don't like the idea of splitting things up. Like, I think the splitting things up could solve some of the timing issues but I think it might be a bad idea to split things up too much early on with so many POV characters? Like it would make it too hard for the reader to keep track of or get invested in them? I don't know.
On the other hand, my idea for the ending is to do it in "snapshots". There is a major event that ends up being sort of a wakeup call for some/all of the characters at the end. Things have gotten pretty unpleasant and most of them need one. Anyway, my ending is supposed to be a bunch of "snapshots" (which to me, means shorter chapters) of that one day from each character's POV. So the idea of the beginning paralleling that appeals to me.
I kind of don't want to cut the (nonexistent) library scene now. It's a good way to set up the conflict between the two sides, and even though I don't want to give the reader the idea that the book is primarily about Kalen and Calla and their friendship, I think it's important. Otherwise, I don't think it feels believable for Calla to go through with the bomb thing? Granted, her life sucks and she's desperate, but the full extent of why her life sucks is better left for the middle of the book (it's too much for the beginning, I promise). And she's been taught her whole life to obey. They all have.
Although now that I think about it maybe I do need to play up the desperation of both their situations more than the friendship. I was just thinking how the only people who seem to be willing to break out of the "taught their whole lives to obey" thing in this story are people who are crazy or desperate. Well, and Wes, but we can file him under "crazy" because he exists outside the normal structure of things and he's super naive. Kalen and Calla aren't that crazy at the beginning so then I have to play up their desperation.
But Calla does sort of feel like it's Kalen's fault, afterward. It was his idea. They were his "insurgent" friends (oh lawd, Kalen, you dumb). None of this would have happened if she hadn't trusted him in the first place. So I'm torn.
Okay, I started to type up another possible arrangement but I know LJ is going to comment-limit me so let me put that in a separate comment.
And that "spoiler" is true. Very, very true.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-26 10:01 am (UTC)Anyway, here was my thought process and we can think about whether there is anything useful to take from it. My idea was to split up my original chapter 2 (the Devin one) so the first half is from Wes's POV.
Start with Wes and Devin at the grocery store. Wes is... sort of excited because Devin is coming with him to the grocery store and he never does that. Devin is half-awake and Wes is pestering him about the Reaping Festival. Devin is being Devin. Maybe Devin points out how much stuff they have in the grocery stores here versus back home (he doesn't go to the store much -- it would be worth pointing out). Wes doesn't actually know what the stores were like back home. He never had to go shopping because they had a lady who did that or all their stuff was delivered to their door or whatever.
I just realized, though. The whole reason Wes keeps pestering Devin about the Reaping Festival. Devin is worried about something and he's not talking about it. Kalen must have let him know he wanted to build a bomb when he said he was coming over. Or asked questions about building them. He knows that whatever Kalen wants to do when he comes over, it's bad news. He has not explained this to Wes.
Wes hasn't really forgotten Kalen is coming over. He's bugging Devin about the Reaping Festival either to try to distract him or to try to get him to talk about what's bothering him. Or both. He's been acting weird since he told Wes that Kalen was coming over. Or something.
The only real issue I have with this is that Wes's voice is a combination of puppy and teenage girl and I'm not sure if that or seeing him from Devin's perspective first is a better introduction.
But anyway. That was my brilliant insight. Now to figure out if I'm supposed to do anything with it.
Okay, let me try to work out the timeline for the beginning...
Date: 2013-03-26 10:33 am (UTC)Cut to a week before the bomb. I thiiiink more Calla. My friend Alicia and I were talking last night, and I was thinking I could use the original opening section where she's running to the hideout, but have it be later in time. She's mad about a specific thing (probably something Morgan did or something related to the Instructor training she's been doing all summer) and is running to the hideout to talk to Kalen about it. They're already friends and have been all summer. Their actual meeting isn't that important.
Kalen's like "I've got something that will cheer you up" and they play Robot Scrabble. I take out the awkward crush stuff. They talk about the library. They go to the library and camp out and find out stuff. Worldbuildy stuff is revealed. They realize they have to do something to stop the War and they're desperate enough to do it. Kalen says the thing about having insurgent (ha) friends who can help them.
Cut to the "insurgents" in the next chapter. Some kind of header on each of these next three chapters (Wes, Devin and Brendan) that indicates they're the day before the bomb. Wes POV of grocery store scene and Devin compulsively organizing their kitchen? Wes bugging Devin about the Reaping Festival and trying to get him to talk. They're obviously huge badasses.
Devin POV of the stuff that happens after that in the original chapter 2 (cute monster vid scene, new scene of him building the bomb with Kalen, Reaping Festival and stuff).
Next chapter is Brendan training, the day before the bomb. Running into his friend/nemesis and finding out she made a fighting team and he didn't. He knows it's because of his grades. Hints of his anger toward Kalen and/or their abusive dad. Confrontation with Kalen, who has just come home from building the bomb with Devin. Brendan knows Kalen has been hanging out with insurgents -- has known since 9th year and hasn't said anything. Brendan gets all ragey.
(making another comment for all the post-bomb stuff since LJ is an asshole and has stupid comment limits)
Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 10:35 am (UTC)Show Kalen accidentally setting off the bomb and what happens after -- mass panic, troops trying to manage it, him and Calla getting away, explaining why he set off the bomb (he wasn't supposed to), Calla getting hurt as they run away. The two of them trying to decide what to do, wondering if anyone was hurt, etc. Kalen eventually deciding Calla needs medical attention and going to Wes and Devin for help. He doesn't have anywhere else to go.
Brendan at the recruiting office? Rage trance. Brendan coming out of it and being confused. Not believing Kalen is really dead. Resolving to go and look for him. Possibly stealing Kalen's robots (if that's a thing, which I should probably decide). Going to the hideout to see if Kalen is there or has left any clues to his whereabouts.
Wes opening the door when Kalen comes to ask him and Devin for help. Wes is excited at first but eventually has an "oh shit" moment. Trying to help Calla, which I'm pretty sure involves trying to go to the hideout with some sort of motorized device to carry Calla to safety (the RoboCart or something like it?). There are too many troops and they can't get back to her, so they go home and build robot "reinforcements".
Calla POV, a few days after Kalen's left her. She's in bad shape and probably isn't going to make it. Why isn't Kalen back? She's desperate enough to pray to gods that don't even exist on her side (in my rewrite, only Kalen's side has a god concept and she's fascinated by it). She decides she needs to drag herself out of the hideout and try to do... something? Probably not even clear to her what at this point -- she's all infected and stuff and just knows sitting there isn't helping.
Runs into Brendan and Kalen. They are fighting, probably with robots. Calla is hit by a stray laser and the next thing she knows, she's a robot too. She's fucking pissed. This is all Kalen's fault. The bomb wasn't even supposed to go off. And look, he and Brendan are brawling like savages -- maybe his people really are nothing but barbarians after all. This is so unfair.
Cut to heavily edited Brendan chapter of them all ending up at Wes and Devin's house and go from there.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 06:44 pm (UTC)Should the scene of them realizing Calla is dead and is now a robot be in there?
If it happens at the end of Calla's chapter it could work to show her lack of emotions like she doesn't really get why Kalen is so upset over her body. She's angry she's a robot but isn't feeling any of the other emotions she should be. Seeing her body doesn't really affect her.
Or it could be a short scene at the beginning of Brendan's POV where he's kind of freaked out and afraid of Calla. Maybe because of the shooting off stray laser blasts when she gets angry (like what you already wrote).
It might slow things down, though. Although I think the scene is important. It doesn't have to be long. Just all of them realizing what happened then Kalen suggesting they go to his friends who can help them. Just a thought.
At the beginning, I think it still works to do the Devin and Kalen bomb scene before the grocery stuff. They could meet in the morning (maybe even too early for Devin so you can show his coffee addiction right off). You'd also be able to introduce Wes who would be way too cheery that early in the morning and offer to make breakfast and Devin would be like, "no, we have work to do." Then he'd be all grumpy so Wes would drag him out to shop. Then switch to Wes' view.
I like the idea of having the bomb scene first but ending it with Kalen doing his speech and holding off the soldiers with the trigger. Just thought of something--they might not believe him if he doesn't physically have the bomb so maybe he could have a fake one strapped to him so drive the point home.
Then later show the aftermath from Calla's POV with her maybe thinking about how the real bomb was miles away but shouldn't have been that strong because that's what Kalen said and she trusted him.
Anyway, I like how you split the bomb sequence up.
I don't think you need any time labels other than the first one that says, "One Week Ago." If you do it right you'll be able to hint how much time has passed from each day. And it will be pretty obvious what comes after the bomb. You could always put the labels in for the rough draft for clarity then work on making sure each time jump is properly set up so you know how long it's been.
Also for the opening sequence of going to the library. You should consider putting a Kalen chapter in between two Calla ones for balance. Just consider it. I would probably work better from Calla's POV but it seems more balanced to get something in there from his POV.
That book I'm reading totally irked me when in the middle of a chapter at around the 470th page decided to jump from Kira's POV to Samm's POV. In the middle of the chapter. I could accept POV changes with scenes except this is the ONLY chapter to do that. And this is the first time we see Samm's POV since the opening chapter (I think). Totally random and kind of amateurish. Also the POV of Sato suddenly appeared once Marcus left the original setting where they all live (Long Island). So now there are 3 main POVs plus this random 1/2 chapter from Samm's POV.
It works for the story but I just keep shaking my head thinking there should have been a better way to do this. But that's just me and my thing about POV changes.
So feel free to ignore me about them because obviously it's not that big a deal and people do it all the time.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 09:14 pm (UTC)Do you have a preference for Wes before Devin or Devin before Wes? I could try to move things around timewise. Although now I'm sort of attached to Wes first for some reason.
Hm, good point about the fake bomb -- although the tech to make bombs small enough that they're not visible on his person might exist too. In which case I guess I would need to explain that.
Okay, I'm not obsessed with the POVs being even (although I prefer not to have two in a row for the same character, but I have done it anyway before) but what you are describing with that book you're reading sounds really annoying. And if it's in first person, POV switching in the same chapter is just wronggggg.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 10:55 pm (UTC)I mean I get why he (the author) did it to show stuff going on where the main characters weren't at but it seemed so... wrong.
On top of that the 2nd half of the book was full of copy errors (repeated words, missing words, stuff that a good copy editor should have seen). They were popping up ever 10 pages or so, sometimes more often. It was crazy. I blame the editors for that. Very sloppy.
But the worst was this one part where the main character, Kira, is getting into some serious shit. At the end of one paragraph it says she reaches into her waistband and drew her gun. The end of the next paragraph is has her pulling her gun out. *headdesk*
Other than the POV thing (which is a personal preference more than anything) the book was well written. Until pretty much the last quarter of it. Then there were errors everywhere. I think I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to the publishers. The errors ruined an otherwise really good book.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 11:09 pm (UTC)Do you have a preference between Wes first or Devin first? Also, I outlined acts 1 and 2 today using your info that you sent. Some details need to be filled in for act 2 but surprisingly, it's actually kind of like I have a plot. I think I just need to make it clearer from the beginning that I'm heading in a direction.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-27 02:30 am (UTC)I guess I think it will be easier to write Devin's POV first then Wes'. At least it would be for me. But you could make it work the other way around if you do it correctly.
Write it however you want and I'll tell you if it works for me or not. I'm still just one person and one opinion so.
I think it just depends on how you right it.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-27 01:54 pm (UTC)Hm, I'm so torn on the Wes and Devin parts. Like, part of me wants Wes to go first but I'm not sure what real benefit that would have. I mean, it probably makes Wes look sweeter and Devin like more of an ass, but Devin doesn't really need help looking like an ass. He does that fine on his own. And if I have Devin's POV first you get to see what a spaz Wes is first, before getting to see a little bit of added depth. So that would probably work better?
Re: scene 2
Date: 2013-03-25 06:23 pm (UTC)By the way, I meant to add -- I'm not sure I want the reader to feel sorry for Kalen. I want the reader to understand his motivations, but he's not a hero in this part of the story. I'm not sure he's a "hero" in any part of the story, but he does snap out of it some eventually. How long that takes? Eh. I think he's a little depressed. Or a lot depressed.
What I really want is for the reader to feel sorry for everyone who has to deal with him, probably. That's how I feel when I'm that level of depressed, anyway.
Re: scene 2
Date: 2013-03-25 10:42 pm (UTC)I didn't really think anyone was supposed to feel sorry for him. He's too whiny and self-involved. It might not be working because we don't really see him much. The characters don't even talk about how whiny he is or how useless.
Re: scene 2
Date: 2013-03-25 10:54 pm (UTC)Re: scene 2
Date: 2013-03-29 04:46 pm (UTC)I'm thinking of adding a POV chapter for him after the reworked version of this one, where I can show more of that. In addition to showing his thoughts, I kind of wanted him to halfheartedly make an effort. Like, try to do something useful, fail, and never tell any of the others about it. He's not ready to step up and make an effort in front of everyone because he's too afraid of failing again.
So I'm kind of okay with him coming off as a whiny bitch here if that's Calla's perception of him. She gets progressively squishier as the book goes on but she's not really there yet so I think it probably still is.
The main problem is that I haven't figured out yet what thing Kalen would do to try to be useful (and fail at) without telling anyone. Any ideas?
Re: scene 2
Date: 2013-03-29 10:24 pm (UTC)I'm trying to think of something for him to do but I'm drawing a blank. I'll have to think about it some.
scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 06:24 pm (UTC)Which leads into scene 3. In that all the stuff about where Wes and Devin were is unneeded information. We know what they were doing (looking for the chip). Devin could make some sarcastic comment about how they didn't find her chip but here's all this and dump it at her feet. A good toe to toe snarkfest between Devin and Calla would be good while Wes enthusiastically shows Kalen everything they got.
And by this time, based on Kalen's behavior, I'd think they'd all be looking elsewhere for leadership.
Also about the insurgency. You might want to add in the detail that they are insurgents in name only earlier in the book. Because I keep picturing sleeper cells or something. They're just going about their business waiting for SideB's army to activate them as spies or whatever. They don't even realize it. The way this chapter describes them they are all talk and insurgent is a pretty common term for a dissenter (whether they take action or not).
This would work as a good set up for them actually being real insurgents though. Like Calla makes Kalen realize they really aren't important, just two guys hanging out and bitching about the government so he loses some faith. Only to have it revealed they are highly trained and activated later on. That's just what I get from the first few chapters. I doubt that's what happens.
Which leads me to another point I had wanted to make. The POVs. I've been thinking about it because this is now chapter 8 and we haven't seen Wes or Kalen's POV which I think would be important to rounding out the views and their characters. I know you said they have chapters later on but it kind of seems late already to introduce them even in chapter 8. These are actually really long chapters. I just checked and chapter 8 is like 2600 words long. that's like 10 pages of a published book. That is a loooong chapter. I noticed recently when I'm reading that long chapters bug me. It's partly because I use them as stop points. So when it gets late I tell myself I'll read until the end of the chapter. Four pages later I'm really sleepy and look to find I still have 15 pages to go! Then I get mad that I have to stop mid-chapter.
Anyway. Leaving their POVs out until 100+ pages into the book just makes their appearance seem weird. Out of place. By that time you're used to seeing everything from Calla, Devin or Brendan. Then suddenly Wes! Then he disappears for awhile. Doesn't really work. You need to be more balanced. Which would mean adding scenes or rewriting some from a different POV.
I actually had the POV thing happen in a book. I forget which one but it stuck with me because it irked the hell out of me. The book had gone back and forth between 2 POVs pretty steadily (although mostly randomly) for like the first half of the book. Then all of a sudden there was as scene from some other character's POV then went back to the regular one and that POV was never mentioned again and I was like WTF! I had to go back and reread it to make sure I didn't read it wrong. It left me in a bad mood for a couple of chapters. It was just random and screwed with the rhythm and flow of the book.
Just some thoughts on that.
Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 06:41 pm (UTC)Originally, this chapter came before the previous one. I needed to have removed all that explaining. How did I not see that? Thank you. Although I'm still not sure whether this one or the previous one should come first. The weapons expo thing is plot relevant. Ish. In that it is their first attempt at a mission.
I'm going to add a Kalen POV right after the bomb. I'm not sure about Wes. I wonder what I can add for him. Hm. Any ideas what you'd like to see from his POV early on?
Do you think I need to split up these chapters more so they're not so long? Ideally, how long do you want them to be?
Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 07:19 pm (UTC)There's kind of standard thing about 250 words on a page give or take (there will be more if there are a lot of short dialogue obviously).
Taking that into consideration I think a lot of your chapters could be split into two parts. Some even more based on the scenes. Right now they still feel choppy to me because of the way they show something then surge ahead in time, show something else, surge ahead in time to show something else. It feels like stop and go, stop and go. At least to me.
Having chapter breaks works better for me in showing a time jump. From reading I think one time jump per chapter is pretty typical. And it's usually not a huge time jump. More like a few hours, maybe a day if nothing interesting happens but the topic hasn't changed.
The fanfic I'm writing right now jumps ahead quite a lot because I just want to show the interesting things that happen to the characters over a 5 year span without detailing every little thing. It's still crappy and I'll need to segue the sections better to make it work. It's a short story technique because you have a limited amount of space to show everything.
I was also thinking that maybe time should be condensed. Instead of these days and weeks between scenes it would work better if they just flow one to the next as if only moments have passed. It's a hard balance to figure out because you don't want things to be too tedious either. I think splitting up the chapters when there are big time jumps is a good idea.
The word counts and page numbers and all that are an individual thing. I'm sure there are people out there that love long involved chapters. Just as there are some that like quick little chapters.
For Wes' POV... I have no clue really. I'd probably add a scene from his POV during chapter 2 (or whenever you have Devin's POV in the rewrite). I'd chop it up and show some of it from Wes' POV. But that's just me. I'm still having problems figuring out which scenes I should make from Colby's POV in my novel since they're all written from Zoe's and work great as they are. It's a pain in the ass to add POVs after the main bulk of the writing is done. Doing new scenes for him is easy (mostly) but when I need to rewrite a scene...ugh, someone shoot me, please.
Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 09:40 pm (UTC)As always, you've made me think. Chapters 10 and 13 are getting split anyway, I think, both because they're long as shit and moving the Zack stuff around is going to necessitate it, I think. Also when/if you read chapter 10, you will smack me for trying to cram the amount of stuff into it that I did. At least I'm pretty sure you will. I want to smack me for it.
Anyway, before I run and get ready. It's hard with Wes POVs because he is very, very focused on Devin. The further we get into the book, the more true this becomes. There are two problems with having Wes POVs as a result. One, I don't need more stuff about Devin. I have lots and lots of stuff about Devin because he's weird and does crazy things and also he is eventually somewhat plot-relevant. Two, well. Wes has more POVs later in the book.
But... if I do a Wes POV like riiiiiight when Kalen shows up at their door the first time after the bomb (because I decided that's where he goes "to get help" once he realizes Calla is seriously hurt, then I can do this progression:
Chapter 1 -- Brendan - Life riiiight before the bomb and riiiight after. So the scene with his female friend, where he's training and runs into her and she's been picked for a team and why haven't I? (His grades.) A confrontation with Kalen after he comes home from building the bomb. The recruiting office scene. And I want the kid scenes with him and Kalen in this chapter, so I can either put them at the beginning of the chapter or use them as flashbacks when Brendan gets all ragey, because that's a thing now.
No matter what I do, I can't figure out a way to do this without a little time-skippage and jumpiness at the beginning. If you have a better idea, let me know.
Chapter 2 -- Calla - Some bits from the original chapter 1, her meeting Kalen and some added stuff about her life and why she wants to get away from it. I'm not sure how to make it not have time-jumps unless I claim she and Kalen don't know each other as long, but then why does she trust him on the bomb thing? Hm. Anyway, I want this chapter to go from her meeting Kalen through the library.
Chapter 3 -- Devin - probably cutting some of the cuteness, adding in a scene of him and Kalen building the bomb, followed by the festival thingy and his ominous thoughts.
Chapter 4 -- Kalen - starts with him at the fence calling the people over (minus the expository speechifying which will mostly get explained in the library scene). Shows him accidentally setting off the bomb (sneezing or otherwise -- not sure yet). Him and Calla getting away and her getting hurt, up to the point where he decides to go for help.
Chapter 5 -- Wes - starts with Kalen showing up there, looking for help. Wes will be all "omg, you're famous" and stupid excited. At some point in the chapter he will have an "oh shit" moment where it hits him that this is real. Somewhere in between he and Kalen and Devin will... do things? I think Kalen just went to them because he couldn't go home and didn't know where else to go. I'm not sure exactly how they're supposed to help him help Calla. They probably aren't. So this might be the time to show that, um, they're not really insurgents.
Chapter 6 -- Calla - will involve her robotification and I am still trying to figure that out. Some sort of fight between Kalen and Brendan. Probably still robots.
All POVs introduced. Everything flows more or less linearly from there, will see if I can cut down on the time skippiness within chapters. Ideas? Thoughts?
Crap, I'm late. Back in a few.
Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 10:35 pm (UTC)Not sure how to get Calla meeting Kalen in there other than more flashbacks. But then it becomes a thing so you either avoid constant flashbacks or you really sell it and have every chapter have a flashback. At least the first 5 scenes as each POV is introduced. Then sporadically throughout the rest of the book whenever something happens in their life that could be mirrored from a childhood or augmented with some event from their past.
It's one way to go.
After you get through the initial 5 POVs try not to go too long before bringing Wes and Kalen back in. Like you could bounce between the other three for 7 or so chapters but then stick a Kalen chapter in just to remind readers there are other POVs, you know. It doesn't all have to be equal.
The book I'm reading now started with three POVs: Kira, Marcus and Samm. Actually I think there was just one scene from Samm's POV (the 1st chapter). Then it goes back and forth between Kira and Samm but the number of chapters each one gets is completely random (sometime they get 1 chapter before switching, sometimes 5).
Samm eventually ends up with Kira on a cross country journey but so far his POV hasn't shown up again. Which is fine but it bugs the crap out of me that it was introduced at all if it's just going to be 1 chapter. Be consistent is what I'm trying to say (I guess).
Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 10:47 pm (UTC)It goes with his rage issues and I should have realized it sooner because he is the only one who gives me visuals. I mean, obviously this means they will have to be short and choppy because a person having a stress/PTSD flashback isn't going to go through some long cinematic -- it's going to be some scattered images or like thinking you're in a scene for a few seconds or so. So hm. But it actually makes something much later in the book work much better.
Maybe I will just save the kid!voice dialogue for his actual backstory chapter later in the book and just have him see some images (Kalen's bloody nose) and/or hear a few snatches of words.
Kalen and Wes both get POVs again right around when Devin gets his plot-relevant job. Which was going to be chapters 14 and 15 but will now be... a few chapters later? Kalen only has a few POVs in the book as it stands, but that may change. Wes has the fewest after him but is getting at least one more added besides the new one at the beginning.
Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-26 03:21 am (UTC)Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-25 11:07 pm (UTC)Re: scene 3
Date: 2013-03-26 03:31 am (UTC)Rewriting so there isn't that first chapter where they talk about the library (which was a huge cliffhanger thing that demanded attention) means the library trip is insignificant. You don't need to show it at all.
Doing a flashback later of how Kalen and Calla met would help explain how Calla got messed up in the whole thing. which could work since after she becomes a robot she has mostly disdain for Kalen so people will be wondering why she helped him at all. Then flashback to when they met and how different he was. That helps because the reader never really gets invested in sweet, cocky Kalen but shows exactly how much he's changed since the bombing.
I still think separating the chapters by scenes then mixing them up might help the flow and timeline more. Some of the scenes are pretty long or can be combined with other scenes from their original chapters. They could make short chapters in the beginning where things are happening quickly to a lot of people. As times goes on they could get longer.