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n3m3sis43If you're reading Cliffton for the first time, here are the previous chapters so you can catch up:
1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
"Wake up, Princess." I'm not entirely used to my robotic voice yet, but I do love the way it carries in a quiet room.
Devin's not nearly as impressed by my vocal talents as I am. All he does is groan slightly and pull the covers over his head. Clearly, he's going to be tougher to wake up than Wes was. Of course he is.
I look around the room, contemplating my next move. It's strangely spare, nothing like Wes's or my brothers' back home. Devin's got no posters on his walls, no desk covered with models, no cast-off clothes or dirty boots to trip over - nothing at all besides a bed and a lamp on a little table. It's unnatural and a little unnerving. A boy's room ought to be messy, a pit of clutter that never comes clean no matter how many times his ma hollers at him to tidy up.
If I still had a heart, it'd break at the thought of my ma and my tidy room where I'll never sleep again. Not that I sleep anymore anyway, and there's really no point in dwelling on the past when I've got a job to do.
My electronic body's got so many features that'll make the task at hand a breeze. Which one to use first? The possibilities are endless. Only yesterday, I realized I can make a disturbingly loud screeching noise if I turn on "Voice Amplification Mode" and whistle at the same time. Who knew this information would come in handy so soon?
"Not that one, Wes," Devin mumbles sleepily after the noise dies away. "Too fucking big."
Apparently, Devin's a heavy sleeper. Good thing I brought this air horn.
"I TOLD YOU THAT ROCKET LAUNCHER'S TOO FUCKING BIG FOR THIS ROOM!" Devin sits bolt upright, blinks, and rubs at his face with a confused expression.
I don't bother waiting for him to collect himself. As far as I can tell, that's going to take a few hours anyway. There's no time like the present, so I grab him by the arm and yank him out of bed. "Get dressed," I order. "NOW."
Devin just sways on his feet and blinks at me some more. "But... shower?"
"Nope." I shake my head. "No time."
"Need sleep..." He struggles weakly, trying to break my grasp.
"You've had plenty of sleep." I tell him. "Now it's time to get up. I've got an important errand for you."
"Where's Wes?" Devin narrows his eyes at me suspiciously.
"You'll see." I guide him swiftly over to the door of his closet. "Same place you're going as soon as you GET DRESSED."
"Too early," Devin whines.
I sigh. His ma obviously didn't raise him right. My ma wouldn't have put up with this sort of nonsense.
This is pointless. I let go of Devin's arm and stomp exasperatedly into the closet alone. If I want him out of here any time soon, I'm obviously going to have to do everything myself. Devin keeps his closet as compulsively neat as his room, but I'm not interested in admiring his organizational scheme right now. I grab the first shirt and pair of pants I see and emerge to find him curled up in bed again. He looks so peaceful, I almost hate to disturb him.
Oh, wait - no, I don't. Bringing the air horn was definitely a good idea.
If my metal face were capable of smiling, I'd grin like a fool at the memory of shoving Wes and Devin out the front door, Devin mumbling a pathetic "No SynthBrew?" as I slammed it behind them. Instead, I stretch out on the couch and appreciate a morning free of Wes's squeaky voice. It's wonderful, but I can't focus on it for long. There's business to attend to. I march down the hall to Kalen's room and knocks on the door.
"We've got to talk," I tell Kalen when he opens it.
"About what?" He's fully dressed and seems awake enough. So much the better.
"Why don't we talk about it over a nice hot meal?" I'm agreeable enough to know you always fill a man's belly if you want him to cooperate. That's why I had Wes cook up Kalen's favorite breakfast before he left. "We've got the whole upstairs to ourselves."
"What about Wes and Devin?" Kalen looks oddly hesitant, as if I've given him any reason not to trust me.
"Oh, they'll be gone a while." I laugh as I head for the kitchen. "I sent them out to find that ID-10T chip you needed."
"Um, CallaBot? I don't even know what an ID-10T chip is," Kalen protests as he follows me.
"Of course you don't, because it doesn't exist!" I snicker. "Too bad the Simple Twins don't know that." I should feel remorseful for sending them on a fool's errand, right? Except they are fools, so I'm really just helping them fulfill their destinies.
Kalen laughs out loud as he slides into a chair. "So, what'd you want to talk about?"
"Breakfast first," I remind him, wandering into the kitchen to retrieve the cheesy hash brown casserole Wes insists is Kalen's breakfast of choice. It looks greasy enough to lubricate my robotic joints, but I hold my tongue. It's awfully disagreeable to comment on others' cooking.
Kalen tucks into his food, a contented smile spreading across his face. It's the first time in weeks I've seen him without a slack-jawed, half-dazed look about him. Wes may be supremely foolish, but apparently he knows his way around the kitchen.
"You never told me what happened after the explosion." Now's as good a time as any to ask, while he still looks happy. "Why didn't you meet me at the tree like we planned? I thought you were dead."
"I panicked." His smile fades like the sun before a summer storm, guilt etched into his handsome features. "I - my mind just went blank, and I started running. I didn't even know where I was going until I ended up here - didn't think at all, just headed for the first place I knew I'd be safe." He traces his finger over the lines of the wooden table top, his cheeks a dusky rose. "You were right all along, CallaBot. I'm not rebellion material, and this whole plan was a mistake. I'm so sorry."
Kalen's clearly ashamed of what he's done, so why do I only feel contempt for him now?
"By the time I went back for you," he continues, still intent on the patterns in the wood grain before him, "there were troops everywhere. There was no way I could make it to the hideout without backup. I thought maybe Wes and Devin would have contacts who could fight, being insurgents and all. They said they didn't know anyone like that, though, so I had no choice but to lay low here until I could build some robot reinforcements."
"Are you serious, Kalen? Wes and Devin couldn't fight their way out of a paper bag. How in the whispering willows could you have ever thought those two were insurgents?"
"I... they..." Kalen's blushing harder than ever now. Even he knows he's ridiculous. "I've known Devin since I was in ninth year, okay? He was very... passionate about the War being pointless and cruel. And he knows how to build bombs and things. I just... I don't know, I just kind of assumed. On this side of the fence, everyone who questions the War's an insurgent."
I suppose I can't entirely fault him for that. On my side of the fence, a woman who won't take one of the boring approved professions or perform wifely duties is practically an insurgent. Besides, from the dejected look on his face, Kalen's punished himself enough already. What's important now's that we all move forward.
"So, where do we go from here?" I ask him.
"Where can we go?" Kalen looks up at me, fear and confusion plain in his big blue eyes. "I mean, I get it - I screwed up. The bomb never should have exploded, and I never should have brought us here after. I'm pretty sure Devin's still mad at me for that, too, but we don't really have anywhere else to go, do we? We're fugitives now."
It's hard to identify what I'm feeling. There's probably a loose wire somewhere inside me, or else part of me didn't make it into my neural whatsis when I turned into a robot. All I've felt since then's mostly anger, and maybe that's all I can feel now. Except right now, I'm sorry for Kalen. He's so sad and lost, not one bit like the boy I first met back in the tree when summer began.
"I meant the question a little less literally." No matter how gently I try to speak, my voice always has that metallic edge. I can't even smile to soften the words. "What are we going to do now? We thought we had a chance to stop the War and we risked everything to try. Who's to say we shouldn't keep trying? We're marked as terrorists now anyway."
"You... you still think we can stop the War?" Kalen breathes.
I haven't the slightest clue, but what else are we supposed to do? We can hardly lead normal lives now.
"What matters most is what you think," I say. "They all think you're the leader, you know."
"The leader?" Kalen stares miserably at the table. "That's like calling Wes and Devin insurgents, isn't it? You don't understand, CallaBot. My whole life, I've molded myself into whatever people wanted me to be. I was good at it, too - an exemplary student, a shining example of the perfect young man. People worshiped me, and it was all a lie. And then - " His voice cracks. "And then the one time I tried to do something I believed in... well, you see how well that worked out."
"You have to try." I reach for Kalen's hand across the table and give it what I hope's a light squeeze. From the way he flinches, I'm guessing it's more forceful than I meant it to be. "Wes and Devin trust you, and right now we need them. We don't have anywhere else to go, and besides, they're not entirely useless. They've got technical skills, and they found you the parts to build a bomb. But they need a leader. They need you."
"What if I don't want to be a leader?" Kalen whines in a way that'd grate on my nerves if I had any. "I'm tired of pretending to be something I'm not."
Well, I didn't want to be a robot, and I didn't want to be forced to rely on two buffoons I barely know for shelter. And shining stars above, they didn't want to be involved in any of this. Besides, what about Brendan? I'm sure he didn't want to be banned for life from the military he always dreamed of joining.
"I don't think it's about what you want anymore, Kalen." This time, I make no attempt to soften the brittle edge in my voice. It's a good thing I'm not in my bug body anymore, because that one fired lasers when I narrowed my eyes.
It'd probably be bad if I accidentally killed Kalen, regardless of how much I might want to right now.
How many hours are we going to sit at this table before I finally snap and laser Kalen?
Our conversation's not going anywhere. I've tried to talk strategy, but I don't think Kalen's interested. He only stares at the table in front of him, barely saying a word. What's happened to all his passion? Where's the charming smile and the twinkle in his eye that convinced me to follow him into this whole ridiculous mess in the first place?
"Why don't we focus on the present for now," I say. Maybe the future's too much for Kalen to deal with at the moment. "If we're going to accomplish anything, we've got to learn to work as a team first. We've got to address our... personnel issues."
"What issues?" Kalen squints at me like I'm some sort of logic puzzle. "Everyone seems okay to me."
I slap my metal forehead with a loud clang. He can't be serious.
Our team's practically nothing but issues. We've got Brendan, who doesn't leave the basement except for meals. Wes, who's naive enough to trust his parents to spy on everyone except him. Devin, who doesn't trust anyone but overlooks the gaping Wes-shaped hole in his "fucking epic" security system.
It's almost a relief when the front door crashes open. "We're home, anyone miss us?" Wes hollers.
"Well, it certainly took you two long enough," I snort. "Let me guess - you got lost?"
"Didn't get fucking lost, okay?" Devin appears beside Wes, hair in disarray and a massive burlap sack in his hands. "Wes talked to all our Splinternet contacts. We looked fucking everywhere. Couldn't find a fucking thing about an ID-10T chip. Sure that thing even fucking exists?" He meets my eyes with a knowing smirk as he dumps the contents of the bag on the table.
"What's all this?" Kalen lets out a loud snicker, apparently oblivious to the fact the Simple Twins are onto my little ruse. He's already digging through his ill-gotten bounty, chuckling to himself as he does.
"Brought back one of everything," Devin explains. "Wouldn't want you to be without your fucking crucial robot parts. Funny, though - didn't even know you were working on any robots."
"I'm always - " Kalen barely manages to stifle a laugh. "I'm always working on robots."
"Fucking fabulous. Being an errand boy's only one of the many services I provide." Devin's actually grinning now. "Don't even have to worry about paying me back. You can just take care of all the cleaning for the next month."
Kalen furrows his brow, but he doesn't argue. Apparently, even he's got more sense than that.
"Hey! I almost forgot!" Wes squeaks, breaking the silence. "While we were out, Devin and I came up with a plan for an intelligence mission. Since Kalen's a terrorist, that makes us all terrorists now, right?"
"Yeah." Devin's eyes light up. "Wes found something on the Splinternet. Top-secret weapons demonstration of all the latest and fucking greatest technology. Stuff that can't be found anywhere yet. We could - we could, um - " He's so excited he's talking nearly as fast as Wes, tripping over his own words. "We could fucking infiltrate it. It'd be fucking epic!"
I've got serious doubts about trusting these two anywhere near a government event. Still, they're both showing far more initiative than our supposed leader, who's still engrossed in his new toys and clearly hasn't heard a word. Meanwhile, both Wes and Devin are watching Kalen, waiting for his approval. I'd dearly love to laser him just a little, but instead I kick him hard under the table.
"Ow!" Kalen yells, finally looking up. "What?"
"Never mind, Fearless Leader." I snort. "Wes and Devin want to plan an intelligence mission. Since you can't seem to pay attention, I'll help them with the details, and I'll go with them to make sure they stay out of trouble. Got any problems with that?"
"No problem," Kalen mutters, staring at the chips before him again. "Sounds like a plan."
It looks like we've got one more personnel issue to address - Kalen, the leader who can't be bothered to lead.
(Next chapter is here)
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scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 06:04 pm (UTC)I think my problem with Kalen's character is (based on the written earlier chapters) it's fake. Everything that is set up earlier is taken away. I get that is in a funk for almost killing people and screwing everything up but even then people maintain some of their personality. He's been trained as a fighter, no? Has worked with the military or something. He's a genius. He'd have at least some resiliency I'd think. And the brains to move forward.
Really what he needs is a metaphorical slap in the face from Calla and then for him to stand up and start acting like the Kalen from the first chapter. If he's not going to do that then something from the beginning needs to be changed.
Same with his friendship with Calla. We talked about it before (how it wasn't important and might be cut). I think you should either weave a real friendship into the rest of the story or show them different at the beginning. Even Kalen's cockiness and stuff. It doesn't seem right for him to be so cocky when he's such a whiny bitch. He can have the bravado but maybe if Calla mentions that she thinks it is bravado and not real cockiness, that sometimes he seems like two completely different people with his behavior the later stuff might seem believable.
I have no idea if any of that made sense or if I sounded like a jerk. I'm still having trouble getting my brain to work which is starting to piss me off because it makes explaining what I mean nearly impossible.
The main point I was trying to make for this scene was there has to be a better way to get this information across.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 06:19 pm (UTC)The part that is staying is the refusing to be a leader part. Kalen doesn't want to be a leader. He didn't ask to be. He doesn't think it's fair that other people expect him to. Granted, he got everyone into this situation and even he knows that. Every genius with fighting experience isn't equipped to be a leader, though. He isn't. It's going to come up again later, but he feels that if other people care about this cause so much, one of them should step up and lead.
Here is my problem with Kalen. I have the same issue you do, and I'm still not sure how to fix it. Let me start by saying that I also do not feel sorry for him -- he pisses me off and frustrates me to no end. Because he's that kind of "genius" that is book smart but doesn't get people at all. He fit in at school by learning to follow the rules, most of which Brendan taught him.
Kalen in the first chapter is Calla's perception of Kalen. It probably is more bravado and desperation than real confidence. That, and he's learned to put on a good face because it makes people like him. Calla does not have the experience with Kalen's people or men in general to understand any of this, when she meets him or after his sudden (apparent) change in personality.
I wonder if there's a way to make him act more "off" or unsure or something for some short period of time in the first chapter. Because Calla is not going to get that it's not the real Kalen. He's been putting on a show for people his whole life. After the explosion, he loses the will to do that. As far as Calla's concerned, he does completely change. Help me figure out how to show that convincingly? Maybe this is a place where Brendan's POV could be helpful somewhere between the beginning and now. Because Brendan would probably get more of that than Calla's going to be able to.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 06:56 pm (UTC)As for showing Kalen's other side.
Honestly I think you're going to have to break down and show it from Kalen's POV no matter how hard that is to write. I think all 5 POVs should show up within the first couple of chapters. I would (and this is just my opinion based on how I write) chop of the chapters and show 2 opposing viewpoints for each, changing with the scenes. Maybe not every single one but some of them.
Like starting by showing Calla meeting Kalen and being totally relaxed with him, describing how he's confident and cocky and all that. But then, maybe have the next chapter be them going to the library from Kalen's POV and how anxious he is and how it's totally not him.
That way Calla still has no idea why Kalen isn't acting like himself but the reader knows exactly what is going on and won't completely hate Kalen. They'll probably dislike him but they'll understand why he's acting that way. Even if they still want to punch him in the face.
I kind of think you're getting stuck with the way your characters speak to you. This is not a slam against your methods. I just think you're going to have to eventually think past what they tell you. Sometimes they aren't reliable narrators which can work for a story but if every single one is unreliable the story becomes confusing.
Like the not describing things because a character wouldn't think that way. That's fine but I think in later rewrites you will have to put words into their mouths because they need to do these things to make the book readable. A real editor would tell you the same thing and make you rewrite it before they'd publish it.
I've been reading experiences from published authors and some of them talked about their first experiences. About editors telling them they like the book but needed to cut 50k words before they'd consider publishing. Or having editors tell them to completely change the plot (keeping the overall premise). That's harsh. But it's reality.
And I'm totally not trying to stifle your creativity or process. I think you should keep going as your going but keep in mind this kind of stuff. Another point would be your focus on the characters. It's great but they need a good plot to build on. I know you're working on that but it's going to be something major to make all the character changes believable. And I'm totally talking out my ass because I pretty much wrote my novel the same way--scenes that show the characters but with no plot to connect all the scenes together. They were nice scenes and all but the story was blah.
Part of the trouble I'm having now is molding those scenes onto the framework of an actual plot. It is not easy. I had to change the entire premise of the book, change POVs, introduce new characters, take out old characters (and I might take out another including the entire subplot that I love).
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-25 10:40 pm (UTC)Secondly, character-driven people? Really need someone to tell them "oh, honey, I have no idea why the character would do THAT" (because we're dumb and haven't provided the proper context or maybe the scene isn't in the right place or whatever) or "why is this whole scene even RELEVANT?" (because our perspective is all jacked). So, um, yeah. Don't ever stop. Please. Unless you just can't stand it anymore, and then um, stop. :)
And, like, with the chapters I've rewritten and know I'm going to rework again, having you go through and say "use this somewhere" or "I don't get why you have this at all" is super helpful". Or like "I want to punch Kalen" (you should and people usually do) or "I want to slap Devin" (you probably should always want to but I don't particularly want you to in that chapter). It's good to know your reaction versus my perception of that character at that point in time, so I can figure out if I'm showing it wrong or the character is OOC or my scenes are out of order or what.
Hopefully when I say stuff back to you it doesn't come off pissy. Like with the Kalen thing? It has been bothering me bigtime ever since I rewrote chapter 1. Calla's view of Kalen there doesn't go with how Kalen actually is in the book, for the most part. I am beyond grateful for suggestions on how to deal with this! So as soon as you bring something like that up I just want to barf out like every detail I can think of related to it so you can help me fix it. :D
I like the idea of giving him an earlier POV, although I kind of want to start it with the bomb scene (because if I break it up more then all 5 characters don't get introduced in the first 5 chapters). Starting the rewrite with Brendan was my friend Alicia's idea and I'm hoping it also helps not set the reader's expectation that Kalen is one of the heroes of the story (if there are any) and that his friendship with Calla is what the book is about. They do reconnect eventually, but I think it's mostly near the end and it's shaky for a whiiiile.
You're right. Sometimes I am going to have to put words in my characters' mouths. The thing I want to do as much as possible is stay in voice and in character while I'm doing it. That's a hard balance!
And maaaaan. I kind of wish I could tell you my plot. I mean, I could tell you it in a vague sense I guess? Because I swear there is plot. The part you're getting to now is where they decide to become insurgents anyway (well, Calla decides and people more or less go along with her). Spoiler: they suck at it. They eventually suck at it less. It takes a while, though.
There is more plot than that but I feel like I shouldn't reveal it? I guess I could vague it up in terms like "Devin gets a plot-relevant job" and "Wes discovers an interesting and relevant thing but no one believes him" (the next two chapters I was about to write if I were not rewriting right now) because I'd sort of like your input on how to reveal it at a proper pace and balance it with character drama (which I guess I could also try to vague up). Because I want to outline the whole thing within the next week or so and yikes, scary.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-26 03:19 am (UTC)I really don't know what to do with the first few chapters either. I get your dilemma about how much to show and where to start it.
The only thing I can think of is the whole doing the bombing scene as a prologue then start chapter one with something like "one week ago" and then go linearly which might mean chopping up the chapters to keep things in order. Like starting with Devin helping build the bomb (just that scene) then show Brendan confronting Kalen about what he's doing with a flashback to when they were kids or something else. Then maybe write something new for Calla's POV like something that happens with her at home in the week before the bombing or a scene with her and Kalen (maybe with the flashback of them meeting). Then go back to show the Devin/Wes stuff although I'd put a Wes chapter in there showing what was going on though his POV (just a little). Keep the chapters short. Then Kalen's POV as their going to the bombing or right after like when they're running through the woods or whatever.
I would probably mean rearranging some of the events in time but still in a logical order.
Trying to figure out where you would fit Brendan's stuff in there with that timeline. Because I like what you suggested about the scene with him and his nemesis.
I guess you could show the stuff with Kalen and Calla escaping then jump to Brendan dealing with the fallout. Maybe his nemesis confronts him about his traitor brother as he's waiting to do his enlistment interview which could trigger another flashback of him and her going at it (maybe literally, lol).
Spoiler: they suck at it. They eventually suck at it less.
This just cracked me up
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-26 09:50 am (UTC)Hmmm, I like the idea of starting with the bomb scene. Although if I start with it, it would probably be Calla's POV instead of Kalen's like I was going to change it to. I don't like starting with Kalen's POV since he's kind of invisible in the book (although I'm trying to force him out more, too).
Or else... starting with just the scene of Brendan in the recruiting office after the bomb, followed by some flashbacks and then rage?
I do AND don't like the idea of splitting things up. Like, I think the splitting things up could solve some of the timing issues but I think it might be a bad idea to split things up too much early on with so many POV characters? Like it would make it too hard for the reader to keep track of or get invested in them? I don't know.
On the other hand, my idea for the ending is to do it in "snapshots". There is a major event that ends up being sort of a wakeup call for some/all of the characters at the end. Things have gotten pretty unpleasant and most of them need one. Anyway, my ending is supposed to be a bunch of "snapshots" (which to me, means shorter chapters) of that one day from each character's POV. So the idea of the beginning paralleling that appeals to me.
I kind of don't want to cut the (nonexistent) library scene now. It's a good way to set up the conflict between the two sides, and even though I don't want to give the reader the idea that the book is primarily about Kalen and Calla and their friendship, I think it's important. Otherwise, I don't think it feels believable for Calla to go through with the bomb thing? Granted, her life sucks and she's desperate, but the full extent of why her life sucks is better left for the middle of the book (it's too much for the beginning, I promise). And she's been taught her whole life to obey. They all have.
Although now that I think about it maybe I do need to play up the desperation of both their situations more than the friendship. I was just thinking how the only people who seem to be willing to break out of the "taught their whole lives to obey" thing in this story are people who are crazy or desperate. Well, and Wes, but we can file him under "crazy" because he exists outside the normal structure of things and he's super naive. Kalen and Calla aren't that crazy at the beginning so then I have to play up their desperation.
But Calla does sort of feel like it's Kalen's fault, afterward. It was his idea. They were his "insurgent" friends (oh lawd, Kalen, you dumb). None of this would have happened if she hadn't trusted him in the first place. So I'm torn.
Okay, I started to type up another possible arrangement but I know LJ is going to comment-limit me so let me put that in a separate comment.
And that "spoiler" is true. Very, very true.
Re: scene 2-kalen & calla thoughts
Date: 2013-03-26 10:01 am (UTC)Anyway, here was my thought process and we can think about whether there is anything useful to take from it. My idea was to split up my original chapter 2 (the Devin one) so the first half is from Wes's POV.
Start with Wes and Devin at the grocery store. Wes is... sort of excited because Devin is coming with him to the grocery store and he never does that. Devin is half-awake and Wes is pestering him about the Reaping Festival. Devin is being Devin. Maybe Devin points out how much stuff they have in the grocery stores here versus back home (he doesn't go to the store much -- it would be worth pointing out). Wes doesn't actually know what the stores were like back home. He never had to go shopping because they had a lady who did that or all their stuff was delivered to their door or whatever.
I just realized, though. The whole reason Wes keeps pestering Devin about the Reaping Festival. Devin is worried about something and he's not talking about it. Kalen must have let him know he wanted to build a bomb when he said he was coming over. Or asked questions about building them. He knows that whatever Kalen wants to do when he comes over, it's bad news. He has not explained this to Wes.
Wes hasn't really forgotten Kalen is coming over. He's bugging Devin about the Reaping Festival either to try to distract him or to try to get him to talk about what's bothering him. Or both. He's been acting weird since he told Wes that Kalen was coming over. Or something.
The only real issue I have with this is that Wes's voice is a combination of puppy and teenage girl and I'm not sure if that or seeing him from Devin's perspective first is a better introduction.
But anyway. That was my brilliant insight. Now to figure out if I'm supposed to do anything with it.
Okay, let me try to work out the timeline for the beginning...
Date: 2013-03-26 10:33 am (UTC)Cut to a week before the bomb. I thiiiink more Calla. My friend Alicia and I were talking last night, and I was thinking I could use the original opening section where she's running to the hideout, but have it be later in time. She's mad about a specific thing (probably something Morgan did or something related to the Instructor training she's been doing all summer) and is running to the hideout to talk to Kalen about it. They're already friends and have been all summer. Their actual meeting isn't that important.
Kalen's like "I've got something that will cheer you up" and they play Robot Scrabble. I take out the awkward crush stuff. They talk about the library. They go to the library and camp out and find out stuff. Worldbuildy stuff is revealed. They realize they have to do something to stop the War and they're desperate enough to do it. Kalen says the thing about having insurgent (ha) friends who can help them.
Cut to the "insurgents" in the next chapter. Some kind of header on each of these next three chapters (Wes, Devin and Brendan) that indicates they're the day before the bomb. Wes POV of grocery store scene and Devin compulsively organizing their kitchen? Wes bugging Devin about the Reaping Festival and trying to get him to talk. They're obviously huge badasses.
Devin POV of the stuff that happens after that in the original chapter 2 (cute monster vid scene, new scene of him building the bomb with Kalen, Reaping Festival and stuff).
Next chapter is Brendan training, the day before the bomb. Running into his friend/nemesis and finding out she made a fighting team and he didn't. He knows it's because of his grades. Hints of his anger toward Kalen and/or their abusive dad. Confrontation with Kalen, who has just come home from building the bomb with Devin. Brendan knows Kalen has been hanging out with insurgents -- has known since 9th year and hasn't said anything. Brendan gets all ragey.
(making another comment for all the post-bomb stuff since LJ is an asshole and has stupid comment limits)
Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 10:35 am (UTC)Show Kalen accidentally setting off the bomb and what happens after -- mass panic, troops trying to manage it, him and Calla getting away, explaining why he set off the bomb (he wasn't supposed to), Calla getting hurt as they run away. The two of them trying to decide what to do, wondering if anyone was hurt, etc. Kalen eventually deciding Calla needs medical attention and going to Wes and Devin for help. He doesn't have anywhere else to go.
Brendan at the recruiting office? Rage trance. Brendan coming out of it and being confused. Not believing Kalen is really dead. Resolving to go and look for him. Possibly stealing Kalen's robots (if that's a thing, which I should probably decide). Going to the hideout to see if Kalen is there or has left any clues to his whereabouts.
Wes opening the door when Kalen comes to ask him and Devin for help. Wes is excited at first but eventually has an "oh shit" moment. Trying to help Calla, which I'm pretty sure involves trying to go to the hideout with some sort of motorized device to carry Calla to safety (the RoboCart or something like it?). There are too many troops and they can't get back to her, so they go home and build robot "reinforcements".
Calla POV, a few days after Kalen's left her. She's in bad shape and probably isn't going to make it. Why isn't Kalen back? She's desperate enough to pray to gods that don't even exist on her side (in my rewrite, only Kalen's side has a god concept and she's fascinated by it). She decides she needs to drag herself out of the hideout and try to do... something? Probably not even clear to her what at this point -- she's all infected and stuff and just knows sitting there isn't helping.
Runs into Brendan and Kalen. They are fighting, probably with robots. Calla is hit by a stray laser and the next thing she knows, she's a robot too. She's fucking pissed. This is all Kalen's fault. The bomb wasn't even supposed to go off. And look, he and Brendan are brawling like savages -- maybe his people really are nothing but barbarians after all. This is so unfair.
Cut to heavily edited Brendan chapter of them all ending up at Wes and Devin's house and go from there.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 06:44 pm (UTC)Should the scene of them realizing Calla is dead and is now a robot be in there?
If it happens at the end of Calla's chapter it could work to show her lack of emotions like she doesn't really get why Kalen is so upset over her body. She's angry she's a robot but isn't feeling any of the other emotions she should be. Seeing her body doesn't really affect her.
Or it could be a short scene at the beginning of Brendan's POV where he's kind of freaked out and afraid of Calla. Maybe because of the shooting off stray laser blasts when she gets angry (like what you already wrote).
It might slow things down, though. Although I think the scene is important. It doesn't have to be long. Just all of them realizing what happened then Kalen suggesting they go to his friends who can help them. Just a thought.
At the beginning, I think it still works to do the Devin and Kalen bomb scene before the grocery stuff. They could meet in the morning (maybe even too early for Devin so you can show his coffee addiction right off). You'd also be able to introduce Wes who would be way too cheery that early in the morning and offer to make breakfast and Devin would be like, "no, we have work to do." Then he'd be all grumpy so Wes would drag him out to shop. Then switch to Wes' view.
I like the idea of having the bomb scene first but ending it with Kalen doing his speech and holding off the soldiers with the trigger. Just thought of something--they might not believe him if he doesn't physically have the bomb so maybe he could have a fake one strapped to him so drive the point home.
Then later show the aftermath from Calla's POV with her maybe thinking about how the real bomb was miles away but shouldn't have been that strong because that's what Kalen said and she trusted him.
Anyway, I like how you split the bomb sequence up.
I don't think you need any time labels other than the first one that says, "One Week Ago." If you do it right you'll be able to hint how much time has passed from each day. And it will be pretty obvious what comes after the bomb. You could always put the labels in for the rough draft for clarity then work on making sure each time jump is properly set up so you know how long it's been.
Also for the opening sequence of going to the library. You should consider putting a Kalen chapter in between two Calla ones for balance. Just consider it. I would probably work better from Calla's POV but it seems more balanced to get something in there from his POV.
That book I'm reading totally irked me when in the middle of a chapter at around the 470th page decided to jump from Kira's POV to Samm's POV. In the middle of the chapter. I could accept POV changes with scenes except this is the ONLY chapter to do that. And this is the first time we see Samm's POV since the opening chapter (I think). Totally random and kind of amateurish. Also the POV of Sato suddenly appeared once Marcus left the original setting where they all live (Long Island). So now there are 3 main POVs plus this random 1/2 chapter from Samm's POV.
It works for the story but I just keep shaking my head thinking there should have been a better way to do this. But that's just me and my thing about POV changes.
So feel free to ignore me about them because obviously it's not that big a deal and people do it all the time.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 09:14 pm (UTC)Do you have a preference for Wes before Devin or Devin before Wes? I could try to move things around timewise. Although now I'm sort of attached to Wes first for some reason.
Hm, good point about the fake bomb -- although the tech to make bombs small enough that they're not visible on his person might exist too. In which case I guess I would need to explain that.
Okay, I'm not obsessed with the POVs being even (although I prefer not to have two in a row for the same character, but I have done it anyway before) but what you are describing with that book you're reading sounds really annoying. And if it's in first person, POV switching in the same chapter is just wronggggg.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 10:55 pm (UTC)I mean I get why he (the author) did it to show stuff going on where the main characters weren't at but it seemed so... wrong.
On top of that the 2nd half of the book was full of copy errors (repeated words, missing words, stuff that a good copy editor should have seen). They were popping up ever 10 pages or so, sometimes more often. It was crazy. I blame the editors for that. Very sloppy.
But the worst was this one part where the main character, Kira, is getting into some serious shit. At the end of one paragraph it says she reaches into her waistband and drew her gun. The end of the next paragraph is has her pulling her gun out. *headdesk*
Other than the POV thing (which is a personal preference more than anything) the book was well written. Until pretty much the last quarter of it. Then there were errors everywhere. I think I'm going to write a very strongly worded letter to the publishers. The errors ruined an otherwise really good book.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-26 11:09 pm (UTC)Do you have a preference between Wes first or Devin first? Also, I outlined acts 1 and 2 today using your info that you sent. Some details need to be filled in for act 2 but surprisingly, it's actually kind of like I have a plot. I think I just need to make it clearer from the beginning that I'm heading in a direction.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-27 02:30 am (UTC)I guess I think it will be easier to write Devin's POV first then Wes'. At least it would be for me. But you could make it work the other way around if you do it correctly.
Write it however you want and I'll tell you if it works for me or not. I'm still just one person and one opinion so.
I think it just depends on how you right it.
Re: Timeline starting from the bomb again...
Date: 2013-03-27 01:54 pm (UTC)Hm, I'm so torn on the Wes and Devin parts. Like, part of me wants Wes to go first but I'm not sure what real benefit that would have. I mean, it probably makes Wes look sweeter and Devin like more of an ass, but Devin doesn't really need help looking like an ass. He does that fine on his own. And if I have Devin's POV first you get to see what a spaz Wes is first, before getting to see a little bit of added depth. So that would probably work better?