Survivor: LJ Idol, Challenge #3 - Smash and Grab

[n3m3sis43]

A Study in ADHD and PTSD
(Subtitle: Who Stole My Focus?)

7:09 am
Today’s the day! I can finally write that fiction piece I’ve been thinking about all week. Too bad I haven’t had the time to do more than type up a few notes, but I’ve got the whole day to work on it now.

*opens Google doc with notes and starts reading through it*

7:12 am
Is that a siren? Shit, we are definitely about to have a real second outbreak. Good thing I took off work early yesterday to give my bubblemate a ride into Manhattan for one last appointment at the migraine clinic before things get really bad. Driving in Manhattan wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I’d totally do it again, so I could see --

You know what would be good? Some coffee. But I forgot to clean the French press when I used it the other day and the dishwasher’s full of clean dishes now. Hm, I could order bagels and get a coffee with them.

Yeah! Max would love to be surprised with bagels when he gets up.

7:19 am
*opens Seamless and waffles over which bagel place to order from*

7:46 am
*finally places bagel order, completely forgetting to add in a coffee*

7:50 am
*browses Facebook memories because brain is now in waiting mode until bagels arrive*

7:51 am
Oh hey, on this date in 2009, I helped the Medical Reserve Corps give H1N1 vaccinations. It’s weird how I barely even remember H1N1 because our country’s pandemic response team still existed back then and did what it was supposed to. And it’s even weirder how proud I was of my dad for being head of a local MRC chapter and being interviewed by CNN.

[Note: My parents are narcissistic abusers and I haven’t had contact with them since 2013.]

7:53 am
Dammit, I forgot to order the coffee, didn’t I?

7:54 am
*rinses out French press and empties dishwasher so French press can be washed and coffee can be made*

8:00 am
*loads dishwasher and adds detergent pod before getting distracted by bagels arriving*

8:05 am
*eats half of breakfast sandwich*

*spends next 55 minutes Googling dad's local MRC chapter to find out how it responded to the pandemic, then ranting at BFF because it basically didn't respond to the pandemic*

9:00 am
Hm, I'm obviously pretty passionate about this. Maybe I should write an Idol piece about it.

*spends another 48 minutes Googling and ranting*

9:48 am
*notices other half of breakfast sandwich exists and eats it as well*

Hm, I don't think I want to write about COVID two weeks in a row, though.

9:49 am
Wait a minute. My parents knew I was in NYC, at the epicenter of the pandemic.

And they never even asked if I was okay?

*digests this for several minutes because it's apparently never come to mind before*

[Mental soundtrack: this clip]

9:55 am
Oshit, I forgot to start the dishwasher.

9:56 am
*finally starts dishwasher*

9:57 am
Oshit, remember last night when I was telling Nadine how my in-laws voted for Trump and Max overheard by accident?

And asked if that meant Grandma was a bad person?

...And all I said was "Um, it's complicated?"

I should probably go do something about that.

*spends 23 minutes explaining to 9 year old that choices are complicated and his grandparents aren't Nazis and it's okay to love them unconditionally, the same way they love him unconditionally*

*hugs 9 year old while he cries about grandparents not being Nazis*

*considers purchasing duct tape for own mouth*

10:20 am
*more ranting to BFF, first about own failings as a parent and then about parents' failings as parents*

10:48 am
You know what? I really want to buy a snake plant for the apartment. I wonder if I should buy it on The Sill or on Greenery Unlimited. Are there other good plant delivery services here?

*googles best plant delivery services in NYC*

*eventually orders snake plant from Greenery Unlimited*

11:12 am
Am I even going to write something?

11:17 am
Holy fuck, there are a lot of sirens today.

11:18 am
*spaces out [or possibly dissociates] for 14 minutes*

11:33 am
*makes food for 9 year old and shows him pictures of the snake plant*

11:37 am
Wait a minute, can I write about my failure to write due to my brain being... *flaily hand gesture*

11:38 am
*makes food for self*

11:50 am
*sits down to write Idol entry about ADHD/PTSD brain*

11:55 am
Shit, did I leave the oven on?

*goes to check*

11:57 am
*finally writes Idol entry*

2:01 pm
Shit, I still never made that coffee.

Comments

[adoptedwriter]

My day when I don’t have work to go to.

[bsgsix]

Relatable, but also painful - the notes of family turmoil despite a pandemic and due to an incompetent "leader" (I can't call him a president, sorry). And I'm sorry you have narcissistic abusers as parents as well. My mom reformed, in time, but my birth father never did. That is something you never - get past, especially when you have a kid (as we both do) who has questions. Avoiding those calls, those dinners, those gatherings... easier during quarantine, but not always, because then we have the terror of quarantine.

I was just rediagnosed with COVID19 - this is my second time having it (my first time was for 4ish weeks in March-April). I haven't mentioned it in public here because I don't want to make A Thing out of it, but I am far more terrified this time. My oxygen is tanking. My medical and emotional PTSD is draining.

So this is VERY relatable - what to do, how to do it, how we forget, how we write, how we explain, and how we LIVE. How our brain chemicals betray us.

This is well-told. Thank you. <3

[thephantomq]

I know I experienced this entry in real time as it all unfolded for you but I still howled when I got to 2:01 pm, like... SARAH. SARAH PLS.

Did you ever actually make yourself that coffee??

[bleodswean]

LOL! I love this look into your brain!

[murielle]

I can totally relate to this and I don't have (as far as I know ADHD, though I might be a little Post Traumatic-y.) On my low energy days when my brain is too tired to process, anything beyond basic needs like--need to pee, need to eat, need water, need to pee--this is my life. I am easily distracted, more so as I get older.

This is a great entry! Brava!

[gunwithoutmusic]

Oh man, I relate to this so much! Especially the brain "waiting mode" thing - like it's funny, especially when I order food, because the whole purpose of ordering food is so I can save time in the kitchen - it takes the same amount of time for me to order something and get it here as it does for me to cook something, but if I order, I have that time for other things! Except actually I order and sit on the couch waiting for them to deliver food and don't make any good use out of the extra time, whoops.

[ashgael]

My brain at night.
Only it writes stuff at the same time that I should put down on paper or in the computer but then I would have to get on the computer or find a pen and paper and I don't really like writing with my phone so it either gets forgotten or put off as a I really should get to that thing.

[halfshellvenus]

Oh, boy. How I wish this was less familiar! Can you believe I didn't realize I had ADHD until adulthood? It isn't quite this extreme, but the random ratholing down info/factoid-paths and the partial completion of tasks and even just the excruciation of OMG so many choices at Amazon but which is the BEST choice?!? are such painfully recurring issues.

I mean, sad to say, but my husband has finally learned after 30+ years of marriage that things by the back door or on the kitchen counter are significant, so don't put them away. They're the only mental reminders I have of things that need to be done! If they disappear, so does any memory of that unfinished task.

*considers purchasing duct tape for own mouth*
Hahahahaha! But also "yikes" a little, in the context here. ;)

[flipflop_diva]

Oh wow, I relate to this SO. HARD. And I don't have ADHD (as far as I know), but for me it's just my brain's method of finding new ways to procrastinate.

Though I do have to say, I laughed at the end. Your poor lack of coffee :(

[alycewilson]

Can I just share with you the humorous way I've read this? My husband kept coming over to talk to me, because he's so excited he's done with work for the day and keeps coming up with THINGS TO SAY! :)

[megatronix]

Late comment, but had to comment to say this is really entertaining read! This part made me laugh out loud:

*hugs 9 year old while he cries about grandparents not being Nazis*

*considers purchasing duct tape for own mouth*

Ha! I've been there before. That's awesome that both our kids are 9. I forget if I ever knew that before or not? Anyway, yay!

Thanks for this relatable and entertaining read!