n3m3sis43: (Default)
A Study in ADHD and PTSD
(Subtitle: Who Stole My Focus?)

7:09 am
Today’s the day! I can finally write that fiction piece I’ve been thinking about all week. Too bad I haven’t had the time to do more than type up a few notes, but I’ve got the whole day to work on it now.

*opens Google doc with notes and starts reading through it*

7:12 am
Is that a siren? Shit, we are definitely about to have a real second outbreak. Good thing I took off work early yesterday to give my bubblemate a ride into Manhattan for one last appointment at the migraine clinic before things get really bad. Driving in Manhattan wasn’t nearly as scary as I thought it would be. I’d totally do it again, so I could see --

You know what would be good? Some coffee. But I forgot to clean the French press when I used it the other day and the dishwasher’s full of clean dishes now. Hm, I could order bagels and get a coffee with them.

Yeah! Max would love to be surprised with bagels when he gets up.

7:19 am
*opens Seamless and waffles over which bagel place to order from*

7:46 am
*finally places bagel order, completely forgetting to add in a coffee*

7:50 am
*browses Facebook memories because brain is now in waiting mode until bagels arrive*

7:51 am
Oh hey, on this date in 2009, I helped the Medical Reserve Corps give H1N1 vaccinations. It’s weird how I barely even remember H1N1 because our country’s pandemic response team still existed back then and did what it was supposed to. And it’s even weirder how proud I was of my dad for being head of a local MRC chapter and being interviewed by CNN.

[Note: My parents are narcissistic abusers and I haven’t had contact with them since 2013.]

7:53 am
Dammit, I forgot to order the coffee, didn’t I?

7:54 am
*rinses out French press and empties dishwasher so French press can be washed and coffee can be made*

8:00 am
*loads dishwasher and adds detergent pod before getting distracted by bagels arriving*

8:05 am
*eats half of breakfast sandwich*

*spends next 55 minutes Googling dad's local MRC chapter to find out how it responded to the pandemic, then ranting at BFF because it basically didn't respond to the pandemic*

9:00 am
Hm, I'm obviously pretty passionate about this. Maybe I should write an Idol piece about it.

*spends another 48 minutes Googling and ranting*

9:48 am
*notices other half of breakfast sandwich exists and eats it as well*

Hm, I don't think I want to write about COVID two weeks in a row, though.

9:49 am
Wait a minute. My parents knew I was in NYC, at the epicenter of the pandemic.

And they never even asked if I was okay?

*digests this for several minutes because it's apparently never come to mind before*

[Mental soundtrack: this clip]

9:55 am
Oshit, I forgot to start the dishwasher.

9:56 am
*finally starts dishwasher*

9:57 am
Oshit, remember last night when I was telling Nadine how my in-laws voted for Trump and Max overheard by accident?

And asked if that meant Grandma was a bad person?

...And all I said was "Um, it's complicated?"

I should probably go do something about that.

*spends 23 minutes explaining to 9 year old that choices are complicated and his grandparents aren't Nazis and it's okay to love them unconditionally, the same way they love him unconditionally*

*hugs 9 year old while he cries about grandparents not being Nazis*

*considers purchasing duct tape for own mouth*

10:20 am
*more ranting to BFF, first about own failings as a parent and then about parents' failings as parents*

10:48 am
You know what? I really want to buy a snake plant for the apartment. I wonder if I should buy it on The Sill or on Greenery Unlimited. Are there other good plant delivery services here?

*googles best plant delivery services in NYC*

*eventually orders snake plant from Greenery Unlimited*

11:12 am
Am I even going to write something?

11:17 am
Holy fuck, there are a lot of sirens today.

11:18 am
*spaces out [or possibly dissociates] for 14 minutes*

11:33 am
*makes food for 9 year old and shows him pictures of the snake plant*

11:37 am
Wait a minute, can I write about my failure to write due to my brain being... *flaily hand gesture*

11:38 am
*makes food for self*

11:50 am
*sits down to write Idol entry about ADHD/PTSD brain*

11:55 am
Shit, did I leave the oven on?

*goes to check*

11:57 am
*finally writes Idol entry*

2:01 pm
Shit, I still never made that coffee.
n3m3sis43: ((FMAB) Huuuughes and Winryyyy)
The Voice in my Head
(inspired by Dr. Seuss's The Cat in the Hat)



The words would not flow.
It was too hard to write.
So I stared at the screen
all day long and all night.

I messaged Alicia.
We chatted a bit.
And I said, "How I wish
all my writing weren't shit!"

My muse was away
and would not come to call.
So I wasted my day.
I wrote nothing at all.

So all I could do was to
sit!
  sit!
    sit!
      sit!
And I did not like it.
Not one little bit.

Then I said, "What the fuck?
I don't care if it sucks."
I typed,
then deleted and whined to my friend,
"It's tripe!"
And I heard it.
The voice in my head.
And it said to me,
"What kind of 'writer' are you?
Your plot's full of holes
and your humor's not funny.
And nobody
likes your main character, honey."

"I know some good ways I could help,"
said the voice.
"I have some good crit,"
said the voice in my head.
"A lot of good crit.
I will give it to you.
"Your 'readers' will thank me so much if I do."

Then suddenly I
did not know what to say.
My word count was already low
for the day.

But my friend said, "No! No!
Make that voice go away!
Tell that voice in your head
you do NOT want to play.
It should not be there.
It will make you morose.
It should not be there
With your deadline so close!"

"Now! Now! Have no fear.
Have no fear!" the voice pled.
"My crit is not bad,"
said the voice in my head.
"Why, this could be
quite a good piece," the voice said,
"with a technique I call
rip-rip-rip it to shreds!"

"Fucking Christ," said my friend.
"Let's not do this again!"
"Gotta go," said my friend,
and she signed off IM.

"Have no fear!" said the voice.
"I would not steer you wrong.
I will beta for you
I will make your piece strong.
By deleting this poo
and then writing instead--
good words," said the voice, said the voice
in my head.

"Look at this!
Look at your ghastly word choice.
And your info-dumps, oh--
and your character's voice!
He can't talk like this, dude!
He can't say 'fuck' this much!
Oh, the sentence fragments!
And your 'worldbuilding' sucks!
And look!
This is not realistic at all!
But that is not all!
Oh, no.
That is not all..."

"Listen up!
Listen up!
Listen up NOW!
It is good to use words
but you have to know how.
I can teach you to write
things that people will read!
Just as soon as you scrap
this ridiculous screed.
You must shitcan this 'plot'--
your 'protagonist,' too!
And then with my help
you can write something new.
You can write something great
if you do as I say!
But never your way.
Oh, no.
Never your way."

That is what the voice said...
So I sat on my bed.
I sat there like a lump
and I wanted to quit.
Then I said to the voice,
"Fuck you and all your 'crit'!"

So I took a long nap
and I thought and I thought.
I said, "Are you helping?
Oh, no! You are not.
You're not helping me grow
or write something worth shit.
No, you are not helping,
not one little bit!"

"Get out of my head!"
said myself to the voice.
"I have to write now!
Deadline's Monday--no choice!
You tore down my plot
and my characters too.
You wasted my time
and I wrote nothing new.
You SHOULD NOT be here,
mean old voice in my head."
So I banished that voice
and I wrote this instead.

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n3m3sis43

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