Whatever Makes You Happy (Cliffton book 1, chapter 2)

[n3m3sis43]

This is chapter 2 of Cliffton book 1. Concrit is much appreciated. The original version of this story was a <800-word attempt to cheer myself up after I wrote "Pretty Buttons". It did not, in fact, cheer me up at the time, in case you were wondering. If you're curious, the original version's over here.

If you're reading Cliffton for the first time, here's chapter 1 so you can catch up.


Wes starts babbling about the fucking Reaping Festival before I've even had my SynthBrew. Not that I'm listening. I just grunt at the appropriate places and again when he hands me a steaming mug. Doesn't stop him from fucking talking, though. Nothing ever does. It's not until after I'm showered and semi-awake that his words start to register.

"And there's a carnival with rocket racing and rides! We can get FunCakes, too. I love FunCakes!" Wes is chattering away like a warrior bat on StimTabs. Four years living on this side of the fence, and he's never once mentioned the Festival. This year, though, he's on a fucking mission.

"Carnivals are fucking crowded," I grumble. "Don't fucking like crowds." Don't know why I'm bothering to argue - just gonna end up giving in. Once Wes gets an idea in his head, it's all but impossible to change his mind. Don't even really want to - never could resist that brilliant fucking grin of his.

"They have blue MegaSlushes, Devin!" Now his grin's so huge I can't help but smile back.

Well, that settles it. Blue MegaSlushes are my fucking favorite.

"Fine. We'll go." Wish I didn't sound so grumpy. Don't like fucking mornings. "It'll be fucking epic."

"Yay!" Wes squeals with delight and flings himself at me, almost knocking my SynthBrew out of my hands. He hugs me so hard I feel my fucking internal organs shifting. "You're gonna love it! We'll have so much fun! We can ride all the rides and get our pictures taken and you can win me prizes on the midway and we'll fly the bumper planes and - " He's talking a mile a minute. Don't know how he hasn't passed out from lack of air. Think I might soon.

"Wes," I gasp. "Can't fucking breathe." Still smiling, though - don't need air for that.

Wes dashes into the kitchen to make breakfast. Can't help grinning again when he returns, a plate loaded down with enough food for three of me in his hands. "I made your favorite - speckleberry pancakes!" He hands me the plate, keeps prattling as I dig in. "I'm so excited, dude. Tomorrow's gonna be so much fun!"

Festival's tomorrow? Well, fuck. I set my fork down with a clatter. Not fucking hungry now. "Uh, Wes? Kalen's coming over tomorrow. Wanted me to help him with some circuitry. Said it might take a while. Guess he's working on some kind of new robot."

"Oh, yeah." Wes bites his lip, looks so deflated I can't fucking stand it. "I forgot that was tomorrow."

"Maybe we'll finish up early?" I offer. "We could go after."

"Maybe." He looks away - fucking knows how wrapped up Kalen and I get when we're working on a project. "Well, I guess I should clean up the dishes now. Gotta get ready to go grocery shopping soon."

"Want me to come with you?" Kinda can't believe I just asked that. Wes always does the shopping alone. Fucking hate shopping worse than I hate crowds, but it doesn't matter right now. All I want's to take that sad look off his face.

Fucking works, too. Wes throws himself at me, wraps his arms around me tight. My plate falls on the floor, spilling the remains of my breakfast everywhere. That speckleberry goo's gonna be a fucking nightmare to clean off our couch, but I don't fucking care. Just relieved to see Wes happy again.

* * * * *
"Weeeeeeeeee!" Wes screeches, clinging to the back of the RoboCart on our way home from the grocery store. He could walk faster than the cart can go - designed it that way on purpose so he wouldn't get hurt. Doesn't matter how slow the cart's moving, though - he's just enjoying the ride. Wonder what it's like to be that fucking joyful all the time. Makes me grin - that and the way his eyes shine when he looks at me.

Kinda weird how different grocery stores here are from the ones back home. Always hated it when my ma sent me shopping - the long lines, the suspicious fucking way the storekeeper eyed me as he ran my background check. Nothing like that here at all - no scans, no rations, no checks. Just wide, clean shelves stocked with everything imaginable. Even have cereal that tastes like chocolate. People on this side aren't always the brightest, but their food's fucking ingenious.

All those choices are kinda exhausting. Good thing we're almost home - fucking crowds wear me out. I yawn, all but trip over my own fucking feet going up the driveway to our house. Almost fall over again as Wes tackles me. Hugs me so hard I think I hear my ribs crack. Guy's even skinnier than I am - how's he fucking do that?

"Thanks again for going to the store with me, dude! It was so much fun having you there!" Wes still has a death-grip on me as he yammers into my ear. "Wanna play some SimFighting after lunch? We can play co-op - together, we're invincible! It'll be so much fun, and I promise not to shoot my rocket launcher inside a tunnel again like last time, and - " Hard to hear the rest of his words over my face-cracking yawn.

Want to help Wes out, so I start putting away the groceries. Too bad I don't know where anything goes - don't spend a lot of fucking time in the kitchen. Throw open all the cabinets, survey the empty spaces. Everything's out of fucking order - don't know Wes stands it. Take everything out, sort it by shape and color. Halfway done when Wes screeches like he's got a fucking green death-slug crawling up his arm.

"What's wrong?" Thought he'd be happy for the extra help.

"My cabinets," Wes squeaks. Think his voice is trembling a little. "Wh- what're you doing to them?"

"Organizing them. They're out of order. How do you fucking find anything?"

"Oh, Devin." His eyes are huge and shiny like he's gonna fucking kiss me or something. The fuck? "I have a system - like with your tools, y'know? This is where I keep all the breakfast stuff." He points to the cabinet where I just finished putting all the things in green containers, picks up a couple things off the counter.

Wait, what? He's gonna put that brown box of fucking cereal next to a white bag of... whatever that is?

Don't have much time to think about that, though. Wes puts down the groceries he's holding, wraps his arms around me from behind. "Here, let me help you put these things away. You've gotta see where everything goes!"

"Fine, Wes." Sound fucking grumpy but I'm grinning. "Just don't use this as a fucking excuse to grope me."

* * * * *
Rest of the afternoon's pretty normal. Organizing the kitchen. Soup and sandwiches for lunch - fucking delicious.

Wes brings up that fucking Festival every 20 minutes or so. Looks so hopeful when he does it, too. Wish more than anything I could just call Kalen and reschedule, but he said it was important. Just hope we finish up early tomorrow so Wes can get his wish. In the meantime, just have to keep him entertained. Good thing that isn't hard to do.

"Up for some SimFighting?" Reach for my headset before he gets a chance to answer.

No way is Wes gonna say no. Dude fucking loves SimFighting, even though he's terrible at it. Can't stay alive more than a minute or two on his own. We play co-op, and I cover Wes while he takes all the kills. Smirk at the way he moves his whole body when he plays. As if flailing his arms and legs is gonna somehow make his SimFighter jump better. Almost fucking knocks me over a few times. You know what, though? It's okay. Kinda hard not to enjoy myself when he's all fucking lit up like that.

"You got any plans tonight, dude?" Wes pulls off his SimFighting headset, stretches.

"Yeah, I'm pretty fucking busy tonight - busy watching Revenge of the Thirty-Fanged Growler with you."

"Dude!" Wes breathes. "I've been waiting forever for that to come out on neurovision."

Fucking know he has. Think he might explode or something. He's fucking quivering, bouncing up and down.

"This is gonna be so amazing! I'll make us pizza and crunchbugs and... and - " Wes cuts himself off, launches himself at me with a yelp of pure joy. Don't have the heart to tell him he's cracking my fucking vertebrae.

Too bad the vid doesn't start until ten at night. Wes is yawning his fucking head off a third of the way through. Poor dude's a morning person - not used to being up this late at all. Doesn't stop him from bouncing up and down so hard the whole fucking couch shakes. Doesn't keep him from squealing and clutching my arm at the scary parts, either.

Kinda don't notice how quiet he's gotten until I feel a weight on my shoulder. Look down to see his head resting against me, eyes closed and this tiny smile on his face. Think he might even be snoring a little. Cutest fucking thing I've ever seen.

"Hey, Wes," I whisper. "Wake up. Best part's about to come on."

"Nuh uh. Too comfy." Wes sighs, wraps his arms around me. Like I'm some kind of fucking stuffed toy.

I squirm, try to get away. Not sure I'm comfy. We're just roommates, okay? He's my best friend in the world, but cuddling? Think I draw the fucking line there. Or I would, if I could get Wes to move. No matter how I try to shift positions, he doesn't budge. Dude's stronger than he looks, because he's got a grip of fucking UberSteel.

No point in fighting it, right? Wes isn't gonna move unless I wake him up. Don't have the heart to do that. Drape my arm around his shoulders instead. Give his arm a pat. "Sleep well, buddy," I mutter. Might even smile as I say it - just a tiny bit.

What? Can't fucking get him off me anyway - might as well get comfortable, too.

* * * * *
"When's Kalen gonna get here?" Wes asks for the third time in the past 20 minutes. Poor dude's a nervous wreck - pacing our living room and all but wringing his fucking hands. "We're never gonna make it to the Festival if he doesn't hurry up."

Hate seeing him worked up like this. Almost never do. I wrack my brain, trying to think of something to distract him. Start to get a little nervous myself, but then inspiration strikes. "Don't worry, Wes." I walk over to him, rest a hand on his arm. "Gonna make sure you have your Festival one way or another. Why don't you go research it on the Splinternet now? Find out all the traditions. If we can't get there in time, we can just make our own Festival here at home."

The way his face lights up makes my heart fucking melt. Stomach feels a little funny, too - though that might be from all those crunchbugs I ate last night during our monster vid.

"Devin, dude, you're a genius!" Wes screeches. Gives me one of his bone-breaking hugs before he rushes out of the room. "This is gonna be the best Reaping Festival ever!"

Don't see him again until after Kalen leaves. I triple-bolt the door, arm the security system. Always good to be fucking safe. Try not to worry about whether we'll ever be safe again, now that I know what Kalen's been working on. Not a robot at all - a bomb. A fucking bomb. Asked him what it was for, and he said I didn't want to know. Kinda don't. Don't want to think about it much at all.

I expect Wes to be all over me, dragging me out the door to that fucking Festival. He's nowhere to be found. I'm about to go look for him when he appears, carrying the two ugliest hats I've ever seen.

"The fuck are those?" Pretty sure I'm not gonna like the answer to that question.

"They're for us! I made them!" Wes proclaims with a triumphant grin. "They're traditional Festival hats."

"They have fruit on them." I eye the hats with suspicion. "Fucking fruit, Wes."

"C'mon, dude, at least try it on." Wes holds one of the fruity monstrosities out to me. "I made it just for you."

Really don't want to. Hat's beyond hideous and it's made of straw. It's gonna mess up my hair, maybe even give me fucking split ends. But Wes is watching me and he probably spent all day on these ridiculous things.

Wes's eyes shine with pride as I put on the humiliating hat. He dons his own, beaming like the fucking sun.

"Feel like a fucking idiot with this thing on my head," I grumble, but make no move to take it off.

"Awww, but you look so pretty in it." Swear Wes fucking sighs. "Besides, everyone'll be wearing them."

But when we get to the Festival we're the only two morons wearing those fucking hats. Turns out that tradition was abandoned years ago. Of fucking course. We get a lot of comments from people walking by. They're just strangers, though. I don't give a shit.

"Wanna take our hats off now?" Wes asks, looking a little embarrassed.

I kinda do, but he spent all afternoon on these works of "art". I'm not gonna just hand mine to the nearest WasteBot. Besides, my hair's already messed up now anyway. "Fuck it, let's wear them anyway, man," I tell him. "Fruit is fucking cheerful."

Wes looks like he's about to hug me as his face lights up under the brim of his own fruity headpiece.

Definitely better to wear the stupid hat.

"So what do you wanna do first?" Wes chirps, grabbing my arm. "There's the SimCoasters and the real ones and a pie contest and the midway and this booth where you dress up like old-time swordsmasters and get a vidframe of it, and - "

Really do have to fucking wonder sometimes how he doesn't pass out from lack of air.

"Whatever." Even my enormous hat can't hide my ridiculous grin, but I can't fucking help it. "Whatever makes you happy."

* * * * *
It's late as fuck and I can't fucking sleep. Probably all the sugar in that blue MegaSlush I had at the Festival. I get out of bed, check the locks and the security system one more time. Fucking silly. The defenses on this house are fucking airtight. Wes and I are as safe as two people can be. For now, anyway.

Kalen's got a fucking bomb. I helped him build it. Everything could fucking change.

I kinda want to knock on Wes's door, just to talk. Not be alone with my fucking ridiculous thoughts. But he's asleep. Probably been out a couple hours already. Besides, I don't want to scare him. Wes hasn't been through the things I have. Doesn't deserve to be afraid for no fucking reason. Have to be strong for him if anything happens.

Not that anything's gonna happen anyway. Keep telling myself that as I wait for sleep to come.


(Next chapter is here)

Comments

[alien-writings.livejournal.com]

We're just roommates, okay? He's my best friend in the world, but cuddling?

Yes, you're just roommates. Obviously. Definitely nothing else going on around here! ;)

I liked how you showed their normal lives before fucking Kalen went and screwed everything up. They had actual lives before everything blew up (literally AND figuratively!), even if Devin was already kinda obsessing. I read this and was like "they could have been haaaaaaaapyyyyyyyy." Fucking Kalen!

Also, Devin, I, too, wonder how Wes doesn't pass out from lack of air. Does that ability come from the same source that gives him his more-than-expected physical strength? haha

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

You know that denial wasn't going to last much longer if Kalen and his explosion hadn't shaken everything up. They were pretty much not "together" in name only and you could see that denial starting to fall apart a bit.

I do think they could've been happy. Devin was kind of obsessing, but I think part of that was the fact that everything that happens from helping Kalen build a bomb onward is just one giant trigger for him. And you know how IRL addicts who go through treatment learn about their triggers and how to cope with them? Yeah, I'm not sure they taught that in weirdo mind control therapy. I'm not even sure how Devin actually remembers about any of it at the beginning.

I did want to show that there were elements of the crazy all along, though, even when things were nice and happy and their version of normal. Hence the cabinet-organizing. Even "healthy" Devin is still kinda crazy.

Very good question about the not passing out from lack of air. I never even really intended the stronger-than expected thing to be a thing and then it just was. Maybe Wes is a genetic experiment (I really don't think so). Or maybe it just runs in his family, too. Hahaha.

[redqueenofevil.livejournal.com]

I like the rewrite. So much more to the sequence, and it's good. I totally want to try speckle berry pancakes and I'm somewhat curious as to wht crunch bugs are.

Somewhat unrelated, but I keep meaning to say that I always imagined Wes as a tad ginger haired. Your icon reminded me of this, since I guess I'm way off on the hair color. I have no idea why it came in my minds eye as this, but oh well.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yay! You are reading and commenting and I'm glad you liked it. :D

I think speckleberry pancakces are kiiiiiinda like strawberry pancakes. At least that's the closest thing to our world. Crunchbugs, I'm afraid, are fried crunchy little bugs. There's something a little weird about the people on Wes/Devin/Calla's side. Actually, there's something a lot weird about them, but they also eat some strange foods.

Wes is actually blonde, although it's a bleached blonde. I think it's almost platinum. And he's pretty dark-skinned. And gangly, obviously. Sadly, my userpic isn't him and Devin because I have no drawing skills whatsoever. It's from a fanart from Fullmetal Alchemist: Brotherhood, and the characters Mustang and Hughes are not at all a canon pairing but they are good friends and mmmmm. :D

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

Okay now that I'm not desperately trying to write things and not fucking tired, I could read this and give you feedback.

I honestly really, really love this rewrite. As a first chapter, this is VERY strong. It gives hints to how different the two sides really are. It also establishes just how normal their lives were prior to Kalen fucking things up for them -- and well, it also establishes how close the two really were. And how in love with each other they really are -- even if Devin's still in denial of it right now. Which really, they would have had their moment later where they got together -- you can feel that they would have. Poor bbs.

As a whole, this piece flows really well. Each section definitely illustrates a different part of their lives -- and that last one still hits home. You KNOW something's gonna go wrong, as a reader, and that their lives are gonna be flipped (turned upside down) as soon as Kalen does whatever he's doing with the bomb. lol

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yeah, sorry about. Considering how behind as hell I am on comments to your stuff, I more than understand having those sorts of limits. About to go and remedy that nowish, before I start any actual writing today. Which is fic, yay! Unless it makes me have a breakdown and then boooo. NO BREAKDOWNS. :D

Thank you so much. I'm really glad you think it's a strong first chapter. I wanted to give some hints about the world while keeping it mostly about Wes and Devin. It's hard for the reader to care about the stuff that happens with/to them later if there's no evidence that they really did have something. And I do think they would've been together, probably soon, if it hadn't been for the bomb. You can see Devin's denial starting to crack and I think the fact that everything from here on out is a giant trigger for him is the main reason it reinforces itself so hard in later stories.

Poor bbs. I'm mad at Kalen again lol. Thanks for reading. :D

[whipchick.livejournal.com]

I really like this, there's a strong voice and it carries me along while setting up the story to come.

Just something to ponder - this feels like YA to me, they feel like teenagers or very young adults. But judging from the number of f-bombs, it's not YA, and they might be older than I think? Is there a way to establish their ages a little more clearly? The breathless rush of voice feels young (and so, ironically, does the profanity), but this might be a hard sell to the audience if it's meant to be YA.

The turn to seriousness at the end is terrific, and makes me want to read more.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much, both for liking it and for the concrit. :D

The YA/not-YA thing has been bugging me for a while, since notodette suggested it might work as YA. And I can see why, and I'd be cool with that. My characters are young - Wes and Devin (the two in this chapter) are the oldest at 22 and 21, and they're really kind of young for their ages in certain ways (there's a reason for that and it gets explained-ish over time, although only the editing and beta phase will tell me if I've done that well enough). The other three main characters are between 17 and 19 at the start of the book.

Devin says "fuck" a lot (and I agree it's a young people thing, ha). He just does and he's not upset or particularly anxious in most of this piece so he curses less in this one than in some of his other POV pieces. I even went through all his POV pieces and "unfuckened" them at one point - he actually "should" curse more. My other characters do not curse nearly as much. Devin only has (I have been counting this kind of thing lately) nine POV pieces in the book, but he also says "fuck" a lot in his dialogue in other characters' POV pieces. And he has a lot of dialogue.

But. See. In my mind, the f-bombs are part of Devin and who he is but I'd be willing to take them out. Maybe. But the book also has some kind of icky violence and mental illness and death and hm. I'm not sure how I'd make it work as YA.

So (wow, I am long-winded), while I kind of wish it could be YA, I think maybe it isn't? But my characters are young and deal with a lot of issues. And I know there can be violence and death and stuff in YA (even if all I've read are HP and Hunger Games), but I'm not sure if my violence works for YA. But on the other hand, my characters do deal with a lot of young-people issues throughout the book. Because they are young.

I don't know how to make it work as one or the other. Halp. :)

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Oh, and I hope that came off how I intended it - honest questions about how to decide what it's supposed to be and not "wah, wah, your concrit hurts my ego". Because the YA idea kind of appeals to me but I'm not sure how to make it work without losing the essence of... whatever. Haha. I say whatever a lot.

[tai823.livejournal.com]

Okay, because the timeframe doesn't really move the way it did in Kalen and Calla's piece, I'm just going to throw one big massive wall of text at you (possibly two or three if LJ doesn't go AMG WORD COUNT).

First off, I was laughing out loud by the end of the second paragraph. While I like Calla and Kalen (even with my slight coolness toward Calla), I LOVE Wes and Devin. And I can actually already see the crazy, and probably would have even if you hadn't mentioned anything.

Wes is adorably hyperactive and sweet and almost scary-innocent. It makes me sad that he's so obviously carefree because I imagine with all of the Big Bad Bomb Stuff, that's not going to last too long (because you don't build a bomb if you ain't gonna blow stuff up, amirite?).

Devin's character fascinates me. Like, almost ridiculously so. Blatant social issues aside (I don't want to say anxiety, but he's got some massive people-hate going on), and obvious OCD aside, he's got an extremely strong voice and a sort of eccentric genius about him (the smart ones are always crazy, anyway). And despite the fact he drops f-bombs with the same frequency I use "and" and "the", it doesn't feel forced or overused - which is friggin hard to pull off in character writing and I envy the hell out of you for it.

One thing that threw me a little (and it's very possible I missed it due to being medicated) was the mention of the grocery stores and stuff. I got the impression from Devin's musings about the difference between growing up and the current situation that Wes and Devin are on Calla's side of the fence... but then Kalen comes over and that made me assume that either a) I was wrong and they're on Kalen's side or b) Kalen carted the bomb across the fence to Calla's side to get Devin to help him work on it? I suppose it's not so far-fetched that Kalen would do that, especially post-library-visit where he gets that fierce determination about him, but it just made me stop reading and think, that's all.

I like the underlying tension in Wes and Devin's relationship. Roommates, best friends, suuuuure. Kind of makes me feel like it's all just destined for disaster.

This works really well as a second chapter, most definitely! *claps excitedly*

(And not to throw mention of my own work in here, but I could see Devin and Doc getting along really well. Which kind of scares the shit out of me.)

I'll do another reading when I get home tonight and see if there's anything else I wanna add. ^.^

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

OMG YAY! I am so glad you love Wes and Devin, because the little bastards kind of took over my book. Oops. I'm kind of self-conscious about this chapter because it's a perfect example of my "nothing really happens" stuff that I do. I mean, really. NOTHING HAPPENS. But this is what Kalen's "insurgent" friends are doing right before he gathers all the people at the fence, so I hope it's relevant anyway.

Wes holds onto his innocence for a little bit - to an extent, anyway. But yeah, things don't stay super happy for him. And it hurts. To me, anyway. :\

Yessss - you like Devin. We'll see how long that lasts. And I always worry about his voice being annoying, so I appreciate you your comments on it. It's the one that comes through the strongest for me of all my characters. As far as the f-bombs go, dude. I had to go through and do an "unfuckening" because Devin would prefer to use way more many "fucks" than most people would like to read. So yeah, an unfuckening is a thing that exists in my world.

The grocery store thing - I wonder if there's a better way to make it clearer. Wes and Devin are both from Calla's side, but a while back, they hopped the fence and moved over to Kalen's. I don't think that's a thing lots of people do, but Devin just... does things sometimes. So the grocery stores with the weird background checks were on their original side (Calla's) and the ones with the chocolate cereal are on their current side (Kalen's). Yeah, I bet I need to find a way to make that clearer. Any suggestions?

Disaster? Probably. :|

Yeah, this is the sanest you are ever going to see Devin, and I'm pretty sure he and Doc would... well, they definitely have a few things in common.

[tai823.livejournal.com]

OOOOOH. See for some reason I thought the suspicion and stuff would be on Kalen's side, and the chocolate would be on Calla's side... not sure WHY I thought that, I guess because to me chocolate is a "thing of excess" (which I eat in excess, hurr hurr). That makes much more sense now. I can't think of any way to make it more clear, except perhaps... hmm. Unless it comes up in Devin's musings, or Kalen mentions to Calla that his insurgent friends are from her side of things (though that likely wouldn't make her trust him much?). Or you could just leave it and chalk it up to me being special.

I've had to do unfuckenings so many times. Sooooooo many times. There is an incarnation of Doc in pretty much everything I write and he's... vocal. His character in Wolves is just downright offensive, even to me.

You say that nothing happens, but I actually enjoyed the "slice of life" aspect. With the whole Something Bad That Changes Everything looming on the horizon, you need the slice of life stuff so that the reader can appreciate just how much the characters lose - it's a matter of showing rather than telling, and showing is almost so much more powerful.

[winters-queen.livejournal.com]

Considering that Wes is hugging Devin over every little thing, yeaaaah, just friends. Of course you are, sweetie.

I can see a blue MegaSlush as a CaffPow that Abby drinks on NCIS.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Devin maaaaay be a little bit in denial. Just a little bit.

If the blue MegaSlushes were caffeinated (I didn't think of that!) it would explain why Devin likes them so much. He's very attached to his caffeine.

Yay! I'm excited you're reading some of these. Thanks for taking the time to do that. :D

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

This definitely works better as the second chapter instead of the first.

The play between them is awesome, and that undercurrent of something more than roommates and best friends is apparent throughout.

I like the happy picture and the contrast between both sides of the fence. The last bit, with all the foreboding, works really well.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

I really don't know how I ever thought this was going to be the first chapter, to be honest. I mean, it's because this and what I (still) think is the last chapter kind of echo each other. And also because this story is entirely about stuff before the last section of chapter 1.

But. Really? Starting a book with two random dudes or starting it with a story that explains the overarching conflict? That should have been an obvious choice for me. I blame the fact that the two random dudes keep insisting the story is about them.

With that said, I'm really glad it worked for you as a second chapter. :D

to start

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I guess I'll start with what I like about this chapter.

The flow. Compared to chapter one this one flows through time much better. It doesn't feel like anything important got left out. I liked how Devin was kind of oblivious about his own feelings for Wes. Come on--if the dude makes you smile that much when he's annoying the crap out of you then something's up. The scene with them cuddling on the couch was perfect. Devin's reaction was great with anger and denial and grudging acceptance (okay maybe not too grudgingly). It was cute.

I also liked that the characters were distinct. I got right away that Wes was hyperactive, like a ray of sunshine in a bleak world. Abnormally so. Devin was the complete opposite--dark and moody. The contrast worked really well.

What I think needs improvement. This, again, is coming from a first time reader who has just picked this version up at the book store.

Not sure where to start or what order to put things in.

[-]Descriptions. I have no idea what any of these characters look like. Kalen and Calla included. That's definitely an oversight. I did the same thing in my novel. Some characters had a cursory description (maybe eyes and hair and height) but others had nothing to the point I even forgot what they looked like, lol. It might be out of character for Devin but you have to find a way for him to describe Wes. Maybe something about his "floppy blond hair" when he's bouncing all around or the way his blue eyes sparkle when he's excited. I got that he was kind of skinny and lanky but very strong but that's it.

On a related note, it takes awhile before we find out whose POV this is. I know sometimes it feels like a cheat or seems to ruin the flow but putting the POV character's name at the top might help. Especially if there are going to be more than 2 POVs otherwise it could get confusing. That's how other books I've read do it. It felt stupid for a 2 character story that went back and forth between chapters but for multiple viewpoints it helped. Especially especially in 1st person where the narrator isn't going to mention their own name. It would be less confusing for the reader. Just a thought.

[-]Ages. I mentioned it for chapter 1 and I saw you discuss it in the comments but I have no clue how old anyone is and that's something you need to establish early on. The way this reads I picture Devin around 19 (but that's probably because of all the YA I read--and I have read YA/NA with this much swearing but I think they were mostly e-books with indie publishers... and they were really good). Wes... I have no clue. At one point--the grocery store with the cart he seemed like he could be 10. At other times it was obvious he was supposed to be close in age to Devin. Thinking about his character as described in this chapter 16 seems too young and 20 seems too old. I have no clue really.

some more

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

[-]Which leads to another point. I loved how excitable Wes was, his exuberance but it seemed unrealistic unless he's secretly on some kind of drug I don't know about. Obvious there's something going on with them (based on the comments but as a first time reader I wouldn't know that). If it's just his "normal" behavior maybe counter it with a couple moments where he's not so "high". There's the one mention of him being sad but it's kind of a throw away. Or tone down a couple of the hugs. He attacks Devin every chance he can get. Devin comes off as indecisive about this (that's the best way I can think to say it at 12 in the morning). Maybe Wes can one time start to hug him them take a step back and just smile like an idiot instead because he has to know Devin is uncomfortable about the hugs (even though he secretly likes them).

[-]The fucks. I know you said you "unfuckered" this chapter but I, personally, think it could have a few less. Not because I'm against the word (I've used it more than a few times in my novel) but it seems distracting at times but mostly it takes away the impact for me. After awhile I just started skipping over them. A few definitely belonged, like in his spoken words. But when fuck is every other word it's like, eh. I get that he's the kind of person that swears constantly but it loses it's effect for me with that many in there. Plus it could do with a few other cuss words thrown in for variety. I could tell you which ones I'd leave in.

I personally like when male characters, especially the tough ones cuss. It makes them more realistic. Oh, and my personal favorite is a real tough, manly guy saying "aw, crap." I don't know why but it adds impact and cracks me up. It's great in a situation that's slightly humorous.

[-]The lack of "I"s. I know this is a stylistic thing. And I know how repetitive it can get having to say I constantly in a 1st person story (from experience) but starting sentences with verbs got to be just as distracting for me. I mentally kept adding them in (because I have this thing about correcting grammar and word choices as I'm reading). This is where sentence structure is important. I'm still struggling with using something other than the noun-verb beginning. And I, too, have sentences that skip the subject and go right to the verb but their interspersed. It seems weird that Devin would think like that. I think that part needs some work. Otherwise I like Devin's thoughts.

I noticed in the comments you were going for a touch of crazy, I assume to foreshadow things to come. Makes me think there should be something more obvious. I'm kind of tired so I can't really think of an example. I'll come back tomorrow if I think of something.

Re: some more

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Wes is very excitable and very naive. He pretty much loves everyone. Some of this is due to his background, which is touched on a little bit a few chapters later. He does have hidden depth, but it takes a while for it to become apparent because he's so fixated on Devin that for a while it's all you see.

If his exuberance and hyperactivity is enough of a turn-off that it would make you want to put the book down, then I do need to find a way to balance it out or tone it down somewhat. I wasn't sure from your comment if it was that or more like "holy crap, I hope there's more to this guy than this". There is, but it's not immediately evident as he's written now.

Devin's voice... hmmm. I will say that as I've been going through the rewrite, his variety of curses has increased a bit and so I'll probably go back and fix that here, too. He does tend to speak and think in sentence fragments and it gets worse when he's agitated. The number of fucks is negotiable because if push came to shove as far as getting published I'd cut them down further. It's a thing I keep going over in the back of my mind.

The rest of his voice -- I don't know if it's a thing I can change because it's part of his crazy. I almost want his thoughts to make the reader feel a little bit "off" because he's a little bit off, even at his best. On the other hand, I don't want it to be so offputting people put the book down, either.

His crazy only shows up minimally here, because here he's relatively stable. He's just... off. Don't worry, there'll be more. But I'm up for suggestions if you think of any little hints I could put in. I'm always up for subtle hints at crazy. :)

Re: some more

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Oh and by the way, I hope my explanations of the characters and the parts of them I'm attached to don't come off as defensive. There are things I feel like I can't (or don't want to) change and things I feel like I can, but I'm interested in hearing all of your opinions regardless.

I'd be open to subtle hints at hidden depth for Wes and hidden crazy for Devin for sure. I'm resistant to changing much about Devin's voice (beyond stuff about the curses because well, you know, there are limits to how much cursing works) because it comes through really strongly for me and it is part of him to me. But at the same time, I want a book people will read and if a character voice is offputting to the point where people will put the book down, it's a thing I need to know. :D

Re: some more

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

So I think I figured out one thing I can do to both add a bit of conflict and also balance out Wes's excitability a tiny bit (can you tell I'm trying to outline all the new ideas I got from your beta comments?)

Remember I mentioned I might want to play up Devin's inner conflict about the bomb a bit? How he wants to ask Kalen again what it's going to be used for but he also doesn't want to know, because he wants to have one last good day with Wes in case anything bad does happen (and possibly also wants to avoid the guilt of being involved, but I'm not sure he's thinking that far into it at this point)?

I'm thinking if I did that, his mind would also wander in that direction when they are at the Reaping Festival. He'd probably get kind of quiet and pensive. Wes is like freaking Devin Radar and would immediately pick up on this -- ask him if he was okay, try to cheer him up, whatever. And at this point in the story, Devin would probably snap out of it and they'd go on having fun and that would be the end of it until after they got home. But it would add a tiny bit more balance/conflict to the chapter.

character limits in comments suck

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I thought of some other things I liked. The names of things. The way they are like two abbreviated words smashed together. It adds something to the story in the same way using "Scrabble" in the first chapter took something away. I was thinking about that and since there's this big difference between Kalen and Calla's societies, and I picture this taking place sometime in the distant future, I could see Calla's side still using an old world name like Scrabble to describe the game. But on Kalen's side I could see it called something more like "Word Wars" (especially appropriate with their obsession with wars and fighting). Robot Word Wars. I can see Calla rolling her eyes even more over that.

I like the ones in this chapter, though. There needs to be more details about the society they live in. World building. Also someone else mentioned the confusion over where they are. It took me awhile before I realized they were on Kalen's side and were the people he mentions he's met from Kalen's side when they first meet. I had already completely forgotten he'd mentioned their names, too. (Don't feel bad, I keep forgetting the names of my own characters.)

Back to Wes and Devin's relationship. I really like it--the way Wes probably knows his feelings and shows them the only way he feels safe. The way Devin is apparently clueless or in HUGE denial. That's obvious the way your going. For me I'd want to see that progress over time as he finally figures it out. That would be my opinion as a first read but from the comments I know all hell is about to break loose destroying whatever they might have started. Just some random thoughts I guess.

I know this all read like all I could see were faults in this chapter. But I did like it. I like the character development although I think in needs to be made clear from the start how they relate to the people in the first chapter. At least with the name of the POV character at the top so you know what is going on.

My favorite things were the names of things, Devin and his denial and his really weird thing about color coding the food (nice touch--that definitely shows the crazy), the cuddling scene and the very last scene where he wants to wake Wes up to talk. That really said a lot about his character. He starts out so guarded and antisocial. Then to see him allowing the cuddling and then wanting to talk... shows there's more to him. Gives him 3 dimensions. Which I think Wes is lacking (I think that's what I was getting at before). And, again, the flow worked great.

Re: character limits in comments suck

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

I'm glad the names of things in this chapter worked for you. I'll think about the Robot Scrabble thing because while I'm attached to the name, I see your point. They also have Military Monopoly later. Heh.

Devin's POV is both kind of easy and kind of hard to use for worldbuilding. Easy in the sense that he's constantly having a ton of random thoughts about everything. Also because he doesn't get out much so when he does he's kind of "oh, this is different". Hard in the sense that his thought processes are not linear, he has huge gaps in his memory he's not aware of, and he doesn't get out much. Although I think a decent number of his POV chapters take place at least partially outside the house, which helps.

I need to put some thought into how to make it clear which side they're on in this chapter. Any ideas? It would probably help if I'd come up with real names for the two sides. The city on Kalen/Brendan's side (where Wes and Devin also now live) does have a name but the actual sides don't. I don't know why but I can't seem to come up with them. That would probably help.

Kalen and Devin have been friends for... I guess three or four years? In the third chapter when Kalen's sneaking out, it's to meet Devin (not in a sexy way). Since that's a scene I think you had suggested I cut, I wonder if it would make sense to allude to that relationship here since it would also tie the two chapters together a bit more too.

I don't want to give too much detail, but the relationship between Wes and Devin does evolve over the course of the book. And I guess that's all I will say about that for now. ;-)

in conclusion

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I left this until last. It's about the flow from chapter 1 to 2. I like how it shows what happened prior to the bomb scene in chapter 1. But since chapter 1 was lacking in what the hell was going on this seems kind of random.

I'm having mixed feelings about these opening chapters. Right now they feel like 2 different books but I think there's room for improvement to make it all flow better.

I have 2 differing ideas (things I would do if it were my story... so take them with a grain of salt).

I really loved the characters and the start of the action in chapter one. As a reader it really grabs your attention and pulls you in. But it's lacking some detail and the missing scenes between the 3 that were written. My first thought is to finish that sequence up. Go full out describing things that happened between Kalen and Calla after they meet. Some conflicts should arise since they come from completely different worlds. They should get mad at each other. Not talk for awhile then finally give up and meet back at the tree. Their friendship should be organic. Flow from random happenstance to uneasy acquaintance to guarded comfort and then friendship. A short scene to show each stage would help a lot. Or, like I said before, have Calla reminisce about how it all happened. That would be a good time for Calla to maybe explain more fully what she was running from at the beginning other than her life in general. Or if that's all it was she could say that more boldly.

Then there's the adventure of the library. I would show all that. Have some crap come up like how do they both sneak out of their fenced in sides to get to this desert (that was actually my first question when the library thing was mentioned). Does Calla sneak around Kalen's side with him? Do they each sneak out separately and meet up somewhere? What would happen if they were caught? How does Calla get away from whatever is going on back home to roam around at night, possibly staying out the entire next day. What happens when she gets home? I don't imagine it's proper for young ladies to gallivanting around deserts with strange boys. And it sounds like Kalen is supposed to be preparing to be a soldier. Does he go AWOL to search for the library? Does he get in trouble?

Then there would have to be stuff at the library. How do they get in? Is stuff in tact, the whole building buried under years of sand and debris? Are there wild animals living in it? Bandits/outsiders? Does the army patrol it? Is it in the middle of a warzone or just completely forgotten because no one in their right mind would walk hours across a desert to get to the ruins? Once thier at the library they then have to find what they're looking for. If this is an ancient place then there could be hidden dangerous and the books might be falling apart.

If you go this way the whole chapter would be dragged out for the beginning of the book, skipping the return journey home but showing the fallout (maybe) of their actions. Like Calla getting in trouble for disappearing and Kalen getting his ass handed to him. Maybe they meet up one last time weeks later after they finally get away from their punishments to discuss what they found. That's when Kalen mentions he has an idea to get everyone's attention but doesn't tell Calla what it is at first or you just don't show that part.

I would then let it flow into the next section with Devin and Wes. Which would work better if the first part went back and forth between Calla and Kalen.

This option would add a bunch to the book, though, that might effect how the rest flows (since I haven't read that far ahead I have no idea). But would fill out the first chapter to it's greatest potential. Also I love writing adventure stories so this is probably what I would write. But that's me.

Re: to start

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

In case I haven't said this enough times, thank you for taking the time to read and care and write all this crit. It's great to hear people say "oh, I love this" (and in fact I crave that at times and assume most writey-type people do) but what I need more than anything is someone who's not afraid to question and say what doesn't work.

As far as descriptions go, this is a tough one and something I'm still working on. I can definitely add in more description of Kalen in the first chapter because Calla notices people's appearances more than anyone of my other characters and Kalen looks unusual to her besides. It might be relatively easy to add in some more description of Wes in this chapter as well, since Devin's looking at him like 90% of the time in this chapter anyway.

Where I really struggle is trying to find a natural way for characters to describe themselves. Devin actually takes intense pains with his appearance but unless I show him getting ready in the morning or something, that's really the only time he'd think about how he looks unless he's in a situation where he thinks his hair's messed up or something like that. He and Wes do both get described relatively well in chapter 5, which is the next time they show up, for whatever that's worth.

Calla doesn't care much about her appearance at all unless it's earning her unwanted male attention. So if you've got any suggestions for how to work a description in from her POV, I am all for hearing them.

I think I'm going to put the characters' names at the top of the posts, like I plan to do in book form. The reader shouldn't have to guess.

I'm going to have to put some thought into how to establish Wes's and Devin's ages here. I was hoping the fact they had their own house and had been living on this side of the fence four years would provide enough of an estimate, but I can see why it wouldn't since, um, they really act younger than they are.