I'm On Your Side (Cliffton book 1, chapter 1)

[n3m3sis43]

This is chapter 1 of Cliffton book 1. Concrit is much appreciated. This story began life as Polemic, a story I wrote for LJ Idol last season.


It's not fair. It's not fair. That's all I can think, over and over, as I run. It's not fair.

Sweat trickles down my cheek as I crash through the underbrush. Summer's just begun, and already it's so hot that even breathing feels difficult. Running should be out of the question, but I'm doing it anyway. I'm making too much noise, but I don't care. All I want's to get to the hollow tree. Since I found it a year ago, it's become the place I go whenever I need to get away. Pushing aside branches and wiping at my face, I press onward. Thorns tear at my clothes, but I barely notice.

When I near the barbed wire fence, though, common sense starts to creep in. I need to be more careful. On the off chance there are actually troops here, I certainly don't want them to hear me. Not like there usually are, and no one's even bothered to repair the gap in the barbed wire I'm about to squeeze through. What's the point in securing a border most people would never want to cross anyway?

I approach the fence with cautious, measured steps, scaling it and dropping down lightly on the opposite side. Even moving slowly enough to avoid attracting attention, it doesn't take long to reach my destination. Parting the ferns that surround the tree, I crawl inside its trunk. Leaning against the ancient wood, I close my eyes and sigh loudly.

"Hello?" The male voice practically makes me jump out of my skin.

My eyes fly open and I let out a startled shriek. I look around frantically, searching for the owner of the voice. There's no one else inside the tree with me, and I don't dare step out to see if there's anyone outside. I want to ask who's there, but that's not any smarter than showing my face, so I huddle in silence instead. Maybe whoever it is will give up and go away.

No such luck. A grinning face appears just outside the opening I crawled through moments ago. Its owner's about my age, with skin nearly as brown as mine. That's where the similarities between us end, though. He's got a brawnier build than any boy I've ever seen, with yellow hair and ice blue eyes. I look at his broad smile and my face burns with righteous indignation.

"What in the blustering breezes are you doing here?" I shout. "This is my spot!"

"Your spot, eh?" I can hear the laughter in his voice. "From the looks of you, this isn't even your side of the fence. I should ask you the same question - what are you doing here? Don't you know you could be arrested or worse if you're caught?"

Of course I know that, and I know I shouldn't be talking to this boy. The people on the Other Side are war-loving savages, bred from birth to be cold-blooded killers. None of them are to be trusted, or so the Instructors would have us all believe.

"What do you care if I'm arrested?" I snort. "Aren't you supposed to be trying to kill me anyway?"

"If I wanted you dead, you would be by now." The boy smiles, and his strange blue eyes twinkle merrily. "There wouldn't be much 'trying' involved - I've trained for that my entire life." His smile fades a little at those last words.

Apparently, the Instructors got that part right. The people on the Other Side really are bred to kill. At least my blonde companion here is. Except so far, he's much more pleasant than some boys back home - and by "some boys", I mean Morgan, the one I'm supposed to marry. Ugh. The mere thought of my husband-to-be makes my stomach turn.

"Why don't you want to kill me?" My curiosity gets the better of me, and I have to ask.

"I don't want to kill anyone - besides, you're not the first person I've met from your side of the fence. Although you're by far the prettiest one - uh, I mean - um, I didn't mean to say that. Sorry." The boy's blushing so hard even his dark complexion can't hide it.

Obviously, the Instructors neglected to teach us a few details about the people on the Other Side.

"I'm Calla," I say, pushing a clump of sweaty hair out of my face.

"Pleased to meet you," the boy says, sticking out his hand. "I'm Kalen. Care to tell you what you're doing in my hiding place?" His arresting blue eyes twinkle again.

I'm probably insane for even talking to someone from the Other Side, but anything's better than going home right now. Besides, trained killer or not, he really doesn't seem very dangerous. Maybe the Instructors are wrong about the people across the fence. I'd certainly like to think they're wrong about me - or at least what they'd think of me if they could see inside my mind.

"Obviously, I'm hiding," I tell him. "Isn't that what people do in hiding spots?"

"Hiding from what?" Kalen asks.

"My future." The bitterness I normally have to hide creeps into my voice. "I hate the boy I'm supposed to marry."

"Why are you marrying him, then?" Kalen's forehead scrunches up. "I guess you have to?"

Tears spring to my eyes and I blink them away. Since I can't trust my voice not to break, I only nod. Not like marrying Morgan's the only thing I hate about the life I'm about to begin. I'm of age now, and when summer ends I'll begin my chosen career - if you call my decision an actual choice. The voice of my second-year teacher, Instructor Engstrom, echoes in my mind.

Acceptable Professions for agreeable young women are as follows: Floral Arranger, Instructor, Care Assistant, House Cleaner, Meal Preparer and Child Minder. These are the duties for which the female temperament is well-suited. All other careers are reserved for men. This ruling is in our best interest - to question it would be disagreeable indeed.

Being an Instructor seems the least demeaning option, so that's the one I've selected. It's now my calling to indoctrinate the next generation. When summer ends, I'll begin teaching little girls the evils of the Other Side. I'm not even sure I believe they're evil, especially now. Kalen seems like any other kid my age.

In fact, Kalen seems pretty nice. Part of me wants to confide in him, but the rest of me can't stomach the idea of blubbering in front of a complete stranger, so I change the subject. "Now, how about you tell me why you're in my spot?"

"I found it first - I've been coming here since I was just a boy." Kalen's tone is teasing, almost sing-song.

"Yeah." I roll my eyes. "Because you're sooooooo old and adult now."

"I'll have you know I'm old enough to work." His eyes sparkle and his voice is full of mirth. Then the laughter drains away, and his next words are quiet. "And I'm old enough to fight."

* * * * *
"Summer is halfway over already," Kalen groans, cracking his knuckles. "I can't believe it."

I sigh as I lean against the inside of the hollow tree, perspiration running down my back. Our hideout shields us from the sun, but it barely provides any relief from the oppressive heat. Summer here's unbearable, and I'd normally be all too happy to see it end. Except I'd rather drown in my own sweat than face what's in store for me when the cool breezes come.

"Ugh, don't remind me. I'm not excited about shaping young minds." I punctuate the words with air quotes.

"At least you don't have to go out and kill people, Calla." Kalen's voice has a bitter edge to it.

"Oh, you're right, Kalen." My condescending tone's completely forbidden in the presence of a man, but I can't help it now. "All I have to do is spend my nights pleasing a husband I hate and my days teaching children to despise a person I actually like. You've got it so much worse than I do."

"I'm... sorry, Calla." Kalen toys with the lace of his boot. "I know it's hard for you, too."

Shame wells up inside me, and I regret my angry words. It's not Kalen's fault I'm so disagreeable. Morgan's a desirable man, and I'm lucky to have him. It's hardly fair to compare my fate with his - I'm not being forced to murder anyone, am I?

"Are you sure there's nothing you can do to get out of fighting?" I reach out and touch Kalen's shoulder gently.

Kalen flushes bright red, a foolish grin spreading across his face, and I have to repress a sigh. I really do like Kalen, but not in that way. Encouraging his crush probably isn't the best idea, but at least he seems to have forgotten our quarrel?

"I, uh - " Kalen's sputtering like the engine on my pa's old tractor. "Well, I mean... we could start our own rebellion! My friends Wes and Devin are insurgents - I met them on the Splinternet. They're against the war like you and I are, and they have a million connections and know how to find components for weapons and... stuff."

"Come on, Kalen." I snort. "You've told me a thousand times you don't want to kill people. I can't even say 'no' to being wed to someone I'd dearly love to disembowel. We're not really rebellion material, are we?"

"I was just kidding, Calla," Kalen mumbles, and his face is practically purple now.

Today just isn't my day, is it? No matter what I say, it only seems to make things worse. I desperately scan the inside of our hideout, looking for a distraction. Didn't I leave a deck of cards last time I was here? A game of MegaRummy might be just the thing to take both our minds off our problems. My eyes fall on the enormous wooden crate Kalen brought with him today. It's large enough that he's using it for a bench, but it rattled when he carried it in.

"Um, Calla?" Kalen's never going to stop blushing, is he? "Why are you staring at my crotch like that?"

"I'm not, you dolt." So much for being agreeable. "I'm looking at the mysterious giant box underneath it. Are you ever going to tell me what's inside?" When I asked earlier, all he'd say was "it's a surprise". I'm not sure I like surprises, but I'll do anything to break the tension at this point.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot!" Kalen's eyes light up. He stands, undoing a latch on the crate and swinging its lid open. "I can't believe your people don't have Robot Scrabble. What do you even do for fun?"

I don't know how to answer that question. Truth be told, most people where I live don't do much for fun. School, careers and household duties keep them far too busy for any pleasure activities. I've heard tell of parties from my rich friend Elise, but the average folks have no time or money to engage in such frivolities.

"Here, see for yourself." Kalen grins as he begins pulling odd metallic bits from inside the box. What in the blazing fires of Squail is this? For the first time, I notice the words "ROBOT SCRABBLE" stamped on its side in red block letters.

"Robot... Scrabble?" Is Kalen trying to play some kind of joke on me?

"Yup," Kalen says. "It's just like regular Scrabble, only better. Every time you play a word, you get to pull from the Parts Pile. The better your score, the more parts you can take. You use the parts to build a robot - when all the tiles are gone, your robots fight to the death. The player with the last robot standing is the winner!"

For a moment, I'm completely dumbstruck. Leave it to the Other Side to turn an innocuous word game into an act of war. "Kalen, is there anything your people do that doesn't involve fighting?" I finally manage.

"War is kind of a way of life for us." Kalen stops unpacking his robot bits, looking glum again.

"It's not like my people are much better, are they?" I point out. "They don't trust anyone, not even each other, and I don't see them doing anything to stop the fighting. Too bad we don't even know what the fighting's about."

"Hey!" Kalen brightens. "We may not be rebellion material, but we might at least be able to answer that question. I was browsing the Splinternet the other day and came across an old message board. The government was supposed to have shut them all down, but I guess they missed this one."

I nod and smile, as if I have the slightest clue what Kalen means. All the fancy gadgets and robots Kalen loves so much really aren't my thing. We've got CompuPanels at school, but we don't have one at home on the farm. I barely even know what this "Splinternet" he's constantly chattering about is, let alone a "message board". Maybe if I act interested in his technobabble, he'll get to the point eventually.

"So I was checking out the board," Kalen continues, "and I found an old map of the Majestic City region."

"Yeah, so?" I demand, then silently curse myself for speaking out of turn. It's not like I didn't intend to listen politely, but maps and history remind me of school. That's something I'd prefer not to think about too much right now.

"My people used to keep these archive-buildings back in the day." Kalen doesn't even seem to notice my flagrant disrespect. "They were called 'libraries' and they stored all sorts of information - anyone was allowed to go in and access whatever they wanted."

Free access to information? That's impossible. It has to be a myth, but I don't have the heart to tell Kalen that. He's so excited about his dweeby information-farm, and at least he's not moping or blushing now.

"Most of the libraries were burned ages ago, but the map shows one that's not known to be destroyed. It's out in the desert, probably a few hours' walk. We'd have to go at night - it's far too hot to hike that far during the day. We might need to bring a camping dome and some supplies as well; there's a good chance we'd need to bed down before making the return trip." So much for Kalen not blushing - the idea of "bedding down" with me's apparently too much for him. "What do you think, Calla?" he says, his voice getting awkwardly high.

"Sure, why not?" It sounds like a wild sprinch chase to me, but we've got nothing better to do besides sit around and think about the futures we wish we could change. Besides, on the off-chance the library does exist, finding out things we're not supposed to know might be at least a little interesting.

"Great!" Kalen seems to have recovered now. "But first, my robot is going to kick your robot's ass!"

* * * * *
"Are you sure you know what you're doing?" I ask Kalen for the thousandth time, brushing the beads of perspiration from my forehead. Summer's nearly over, but the weather shows no sign of cooling down. It's not the heat that's making me sweat now, though. I must be insane for getting myself into this.

"This part? Yeah, I'm fine." Kalen looks up from the tangle of wires before him with a nervous smile. "I wouldn't have been able to build the thing myself - my friend Devin's the one did most of that. But the wiring? A deranged squealer monkey could handle that part."

Why do I not find Kalen's words entirely reassuring? The fact that I've never even met this Devin person doesn't help. What if he doesn't know what he's doing and the bomb's defective? What if it explodes at a random time and kills us - or even worse, a bunch of innocent bystanders?

"You sure you want to do this?" Kalen's put aside his wires, and he's watching my face with concern. I'm sure he can see how nervous I am. "I won't hold it against you if you back out."

"Kalen. I'm not backing out." I wipe my clammy palms on my pants and try to look confident.

"Just making sure." Kalen grins mischievously. "I don't want to turn you into a savage like my people."

"Yeah, it's totally your people's fault," I say. "We're all a bunch of idiots."

We've been working out the details of this plan since our trip to the library. Before that day, we never would have dreamed of doing something like this. I would have meekly gone to my destiny as a wife and Instructor, and Kalen to his as a soldier. After what we found out in those forbidden books, though, this war seems more foolish than ever. If there's any chance we can stop it, we've got no choice but to try.

Kalen's forehead scrunches in concentration as he goes back to fiddling with the wires. I glance up at the sky, hoping to the highest heavens that he knows what he's doing. No one's believed in the Gods for centuries, but we need any help we can get.

"Finished!" he announces a moment later.

"All right, then. Let's do it." I raise the bullhorn to my lips, jumping as an eardrum-rending squeal issues from it. I hold it farther from my face and try again. "Attention, all citizens. Please gather at the border. Attention. Please gather at the border." A tremble tries to creep into my voice, but I hold it steady.

It takes a couple minutes, but faces begin to appear on both sides of the fence. Voices buzz, first with curiosity and then with puzzlement. One of the braver ones speaks out. "Why have you called us here, child?"

"Don't call me a child. I am of age, as is my friend here." I reach for Kalen's hand, and he slips it into mine with a gentle squeeze. "We are old enough to read and learn and question. And we are old enough to demand that this war end now."

I pause, hearing the drone of the crowd as it grows louder, angrier. The people press their bodies closer to the fence, and I imagine torches and pitchforks in their hands. No way are we getting out of this alive. I open my mouth to speak again, my throat drier than the desert sands on this side of the fence - Kalen's side.

Except I don't get a chance to say a word. The crowd parts, and even over the cacophony of voices I can hear the sound of marching feet, perfectly in sync. A group of armed soldiers emerges, their faces are hard and grim. All of them have blonde hair and blue eyes like Kalen's, but their eyes are icier than the coldest winter wind.

"You're under arrest in accordance with code 666781-2222 of martial law - tampering with the border."

That's when Kalen grabs the bullhorn from my hand. He holds up the detonator, his finger on the button. "Make no mistake - we're young, but this is no children's game." Kalen's voice is high and squeaky, and he clears his throat into the bullhorn, making it screech loudly. I resist the urge to cry out or clap my hands over my ears. "We've got a bomb, and we're not afraid to use it."

Raising their weapons, the soldiers step forward as one. "Everyone remain calm," the leader says, and the people gathered at the fence fall completely silent. "Let the boy speak."

"Do you even know what you're fighting for?" Kalen's words ring out across the sea of faces, frozen in terror. "Let me answer that for you - you don't, and neither does anyone else. Here is what we know, because we found the records our government failed to destroy. For centuries, our peoples were friends. They lived in harmony, trading goods and services. Our people - my side - were proficient inventors, while the Other Side was known for its agriculture and educational institutions. Did you know that our children studied in the schools on the Other Side? That marriages between our peoples were a common occurrence?"

Shock registers on the faces I can see. Voices murmur, but I can't make out the words.

"The records are incomplete; it's impossible to say exactly what changed. Some say the conflict began over trade disputes. Others blame the factions that disagreed with 'pollution of the genetic stream' - procreation between people on opposite sides. Rumors abounded - the Other Side believed we were building a super-weapon to destroy them, and we believed they were spying on us. No one knew the truth then, so how can we hope to ever know it now?"

The crowd's buzzing again, like a hive of angry trooper bees.

"Is this worth centuries of fighting?" Kalen demands, and his voice is cool and steady now. "This is the reason our children are trained to kill - taught to live in constant fear. It's nothing but foolishness, gossip and paranoia, and we won't stand for it anymore. Now step away from the fence before we blow you to bits."


(Next chapter is here)

Comments

[theun4givables.livejournal.com]

Upon rereading, and seeing this right after Whatever Makes You Happy (expanded) -- this is definitely the first chapter. There's more introduction to their world, what's wrong with it, how they want to fix it. It sets up the conflict of the book over all really well.

And then you get to Whatever Makes You Happy and it's like...Kalen, dude. You consider these guys to be real insurgents? Oops.

I loved the way this ended and the changes you made. You can definitely tell you have Calla's voice down because I knew this was her immediately. Good job. :)

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yeah, you know I can't believe I didn't see it. Like, I like the symmetry of beginning and ending with Wes and Devin but as much as they took over my story, the book still isn't just about them. And it's more important for the reader to know the general setting and overall conflict first than it is for them to see what Wes and Devin did for a day.

Plus, switching the two chapters did give me the opportunity to create the amusing contrast (dramatic irony? not really but it is Kalen and the audience does become aware of said information before Kalen does?) between Kalen's perception of Wes and Devin as "insurgents" and the actual reality of their lives before Shit Gets Real.

And yay, thank you so much. I'm glad it works for you on the rewrite. :D

[alien-writings.livejournal.com]

The rewrite is totally working here. The characters feel much more...like themselves, if that makes any sense. You can see Kalen being more, well, Kalen in this part and Calla's voice is certainly more "her" now. It definitely works as a first chapter, with the intro to their world and everything.

The ending? Very nice. :)

Good job! :)

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Thanks! As much as I do think Kalen and Calla both go through personality shifts after the bomb goes off (Kalen because "oh shit, I fucked up" and Calla because "oh shit, I'm a robot") they didn't feel like them to me in the original version either. Which I suppose makes sense since that was the first story from this book I ever wrote and the second Cliffton story ever. :D

And yay, thank you. I'm really glad the ending worked for you. The marriage between the peoples thing randomly came to me as I was writing that part. I had no idea that was a thing.

Reading to the first set of **********

[tai823.livejournal.com]

REALLY love the opening line. If you had left it with just "It's not fair" I would have been slightly annoyed, but adding in the repetition, and the running, gives it a good introductory edge. Without even knowing who it is and why or where they're running, I'm already curious. (I'm a huge fiend when it comes to first lines. Probably because of the famous, "The man in black fled across the desert, and the gunslinger followed.")

The second paragraph gives a really nice push into the description without giving too much away. I like how it shows the negatives - it's too hot, too much noise, sweating, thorns, branches in the face. It adds to the urgency.

Now a fence! What's with the fence? Why is there a fence there? *is curious*

First suggestion - when the grinning face appears at the entrance of the tree, you use colors to indicate their appearance. Brown skin, yellow hair, ice blue eyes. Rather than use a simple word, try telling us what he looks like without telling us the color (it's a trick I learned from a creative writing professor, like saying someone's eyes are the color of dry winter skies rather than pale blue).

Oooooh so the fence IS important. I like this! The Other Side... very cool.

I like this contrast - mentioning how the Other Side is bred to kill, and her side has Instructors and arranged marriages.
I'd like to see her mulling over how the Instructors didn't teach them everything about the Other Side. The fact that she accepts it so readily kind of threw me - one moment she's thinking about how they're savages, bred to kill, and the next she's accepting that they can be nice and sweet and blush.

Also, I love the name Kalen so much.

Okay, as I read on I can kind of understand her readiness to accept Kalen. It's like... she's sort of at her wit's end. Like she's hitting rock bottom and she's desperate and falling to pieces and at this point she doesn't really care if she gets murdered by a savage or arrested or whatever. I get that sense really strongly off her, after just this little bit. LOVE IT.

I'm in love with Kalen. Oh God. Just finished the first section and I love him.

Re: Reading to the first set of **********

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yay! I'm kind of a sucker for opening lines. And punchy one-line endings although sometimes those bite me in the butt by not being as punchy as I wish they were.

As far as your first suggestion goes... Calla's kind of no-nonsense as a character, so I'm not sure how interesting she would go with her descriptions (Brendan, Devin, and Wes are all sometimes prone to being more flowery - sometimes). I wonder if there is a happy medium between what I have now and what you suggested.

And yay, good. I'm glad Calla's readiness to accept Kalen makes more sense as you go. Although I'm trying to decide if the fact that it threw you at first is okay. I think it is, if it feels like a keep-you-guessing thing and not a "this totally doesn't make sense" thing.

Have to say it breaks my heart a little that you love Kalen. I mean, it's good, really. But yeah. He's not evil or anything. None of them really are, but yeah. You'll see.

Re: Reading to the first set of **********

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

So this is me responding to your feedback a squillion years later because I'm trying to make some sort of sense out of all my beta/concrit stuff by putting the things I want to change into outline form.

And I'm sure you will totally care about this tiny detail right now, but I did figure out how to work in your suggestion about using creative descriptions of colors even in Calla's no-nonsense voice. She isn't flowery overall, but with her farm background she'd probably describe hair the color of (something related to corn or a grain crop?) or eyes the color of (the sky related to harvest time or something else related to their growing seasons?). So yeah. I know you're not in beta-mode and it took me a million years to kiiiinda figure out how to use this idea, but I get it now, so thanks. :)

To the second set of **********

[tai823.livejournal.com]

I noticed in the first bit of dialogue that they say each other's name a lot. If they're the only people there, and the tags and tone of the conversation make it clear who's speaking, you don't need to say their names so much. In typical conversation, people rarely address each other by name - just something that stood out of me. :)

Hehehe, "dearly love to disembowel". Oh man. I giggled hysterically at that. I love her tone, her sacrasm - it's not too heavy, so it comes across very natural and comfortable when reading.

I want Robot Scrabble. BADLY.

I'm really loving the drastic contrast between their two worlds - the techno-centric savages (sounds very dystopian!) and the... hmm... the city of light, as I keep thinking of it. Beautiful and peaceful and everyone works and has no time for anything, including thinking, and information is so regulated... it's like they're both living in apocalyptic worlds, but ones that went in completely separate ways, divided by a fence.

FORBIDDEN LIBRARY. I'm suddenly reminded of "The Book of Eli", the forbidden books. Oh I love this. Delicious.

Re: To the second set of **********

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yeah, that is awkward. Thank you, because I have no idea why but I think that's a thing I accidentally do and never remember to check for.

Calla really would dearly love to disembowel Morgan. She's kind of mean, and also she's not entirely wrong in that. But that doesn't come up until later.

I owe the Robot Scrabble idea to my friend alien_writings, who suggested it when I was writing the original incarnation of this story as an LJ Idol piece last year.

And YES YAY AWESOME that is exactly how I want it to come across. Although now I need to panic and read the first half of the book and make sure I am doing that intro to their worlds justice and not getting too bogged down in character development and intros and people getting to know each other. You know that thing in Stephen King books where people dick around a whole bunch and talk before anything actually happens? Yeah. I may have caught a bit of that from him. He is also responsible for my lack of desire to write in dialect EVER. He's an influence, but whether or not he's a good influence remains to be seen. ;-)

Final Section

[tai823.livejournal.com]

Kalen's language is so casual and natural. He feels like an entirely real person.

Oooh, the absence of religion. I find that really interesting, and a really cool fact.

I LOVE how you managed to explain the trip to the library without actually setting the scene in it. The determination that comes from Calla and Kalen, their defiance, their tone and language - you can tell that something very important changed in them in that library. That their truths and beliefs came down, that it aged them in ways that it shouldn't have.

I am a little curious as to how old they are, exactly, but I picture them as... late teens?

I do feel a little cool toward Calla's character. She feels... sarcastic, almost. At the beginning I sympathized with her intensely, her flight through the forest and her despair at her life, but after that she comes across almost petulant. I'd love to see more of her character developed so that my sympathy continues for her, that I continue to love and respect and care for her survival and future.

Kalen, on the other hand, immediately begins as a likeable character. His teasing tone, his obviously lovely appearance (very Aryan, which I found cool and interesting), his clear intellect and boyish delight in things. It made his transition at the end, his speech into the bullhorn, entirely shocking - almost too shocking. His moments of darkness and his cautious mention of rebellion seems a little out of character - and like Calla, I would love to see this explored more before it gets to the bomb.

THAT SAID - I loved this. I'm entirely captured by it. Their world is so divided (haha) and so different, it's almost as if they come from separate planets. I want to read more - I know that I WILL read more, because it speaks to me and I'm given just enough tidbits about their lives to want to know what comes next.

Re: Final Section

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Ok, yay. I time-skip a lot and I'm glad skipping the library trip itself worked for you, because I was worried about that. I think some people find my time-skippiness confusing or distracting, at least at first. Well, one of my friends has mentioned it being confusing in one story. So if you notice it being at any point, definitely let me know. Although given that you write out of order (or at least Edi tells you stuff out of order), I'm thinking you might be like me and have more of a tolerance for that kind of thing.

Yup, late teens. Kalen and Calla are both 17 at the start of the book. Brendan is 18, Devin is 21 and Wes is 22. Wes and Devin do not act their ages very well.

I'm torn on whether your impression of Calla is a problem or not. The thing is, she is kind of sarcastic with a tendency to be actually mean overall. And at the beginning of the book, she's really pissed off about her situation in life in general. Except... the problem is - well, there are two. I kind of didn't want/expect her pissed-offedness/petulance to come through so much until the next chapter she's in. And I can't decide if I was wrong about that all along and it happens earlier (I can accept the possibility of that) or if I just did a clumsy edit. The last section is the one that got edited the least from its original version. The original version was written before I knew any of the characters at all (it was the first story I wrote about them at all). So hm I'm trying to decide whether I'm wrong about when exactly she gets really pissed off or if her voice isn't coming through correctly in that part or what. Her character does get developed, although it might take a few minutes for you to warm up to her.

Kalen's appearance is important, although you do not necessarily find that out until book 2 because my characters think they're better researchers than they actually are.

His moments of darkness and mention of rebellion are out of character for him, but they also aren't. His character is the hardest for me in this book, both because he speaks to me the least (Wes and Devin talk over him any time they are in a scene with him, so I kind of don't blame him) and also because what he does in the first chapter is something he wants to do but it is way out of character. It takes a toll on him for the rest of the book and I'm not sure I'm doing a great job telling the rest of his story in this book. Maybe this is something you can help me figure out if you end up sticking with me through this whole thing. :D

Thanks again for your thoughtful and interesting comments. I'm going to try to stop angsting about whether the rest of the book is going to be a disappointment after this opening.

[jem0000000.livejournal.com]

Oh, the irony! That last paragraph has made me lol all three times I've read this.

I'm going to email you comments, both to avoid LJ's character length and because it might be easier to have them in email than on LJ. (Or most people seem to prefer betaing in email rather than on LJ, anyway.) I just wanted to say that I liked it, and I think you're off to a good start. :)

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Thank you so much for betaing! :D

The ending for the original version of this story/chapter was even lulzier, to the point where it was kind of too ridiculous. If the updated ending retained a little bit of that humor, I'm happy.

I will reply to your comments through email pretty soon, when I wake up, etc. Thank you so much for taking the time to do this!

[redqueenofevil.livejournal.com]

I forgot how charming Kalen was in the beginning. A lot more self assured too. It is sad how war breaks down everything, including confidence.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

You know what's funny is that I kind of forgot, too. I mean, I knew there was a change but I didn't realize how drastic until I went to rework this chapter. And I'm really glad you saw that change for what it was because I think I've failed him a little in terms of character development in this book. I'm trying to work on that, but he keeps stuff to himself to a greater extent than the other characters and that makes it harder. :\

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

Finally got a chance to read this first chapter. It's a great introduction to the story and gives enough clues regarding their world to let us know that it is similar but very different from ours.

I like Kalen and Calla together as friends, and their friendship seems to have blossomed naturally. The time jumps work well too because they're not to long and flow together logically.

The one thing this chapter has made me curious about is how the people react to Kalen and Calla's announcement and I hope you touch on that a little in future chapters/books, because I'm not talking about the immediate reaction. I can't imagine that they (and the other main characters) are the only ones who want the war to end, and it might be nice for them to get some outside support from their respective sides at some point. Not sure if you've already thought of this or not.

The part with Robot Scrabble seemed a little out of place to me and I'm not sure why.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Awww, yay. Thanks for reading and feedbacking and stuff. :D

That's a good question. My original version of this story featured a totally different version of their announcement because it was a short piece for Idol and I was trying to be... satirical, I guess? I pretty much said the War started over a Coke vs. Pepsi type deal. The announcement in this version is different and would have a different effect. That's one thing I've noticed as I go through and rework all the chapters in order - the tone subtly changes and it affects everything after.

Have I mentioned how hard it is for me to write in order? It's worth it in this case, though. I'm all the way through chapter 8 now, but chapter 8's not posted yet because it might be getting combined with chapter 9.

Oh, yeah, back to what you said. That is such a good idea. My vision for them in book 2 is to be much more useful and competent as a team. I'm not sure that means people's reactions will not come up at all until then but it does mean they should come up then.

I did originally have an idea for Wes to find some other people who supposedly also wanted the war to end but turned out to screw them over in some way but I'm not sure that's happening anymore in this book unless I cut stuff. Hm, I'm kinda ehhhh on the plane-stealing mission (Beautiful Disaster) so maybe I should rewrite that one to involve the "other terrorists" who screw them over. Because Wes never fully loses his innocence but by the end of book 1, he's way less trusting. Thanks, Devin. :-p

Oh, look... I'm babbling again. You must have one of those (virtual) faces or something. Do people come up to you IRL and start telling you their life story?

The Robot Scrabble, hm. Some people seem to really like it but I think in general, showing my characters doing normal stuff is a weakness for me. I wanted something to show them being friends and doing something normal and if you do have other ideas for how to do it differently, I'm up for that. Thanks. :D

[tatdatcm.livejournal.com]

I think it would be important to bring in others at some point. I like the idea of Wes finding others and being taken advantage of. It's true to his character.

You must have one of those (virtual) faces or something. Do people come up to you IRL and start telling you their life story?

Haha! Actually, yes. All the time. Not kidding. I attribute it to being a Libra, even though I'm not really into astrology. =)

I understand why Robot Scrabble is in there and it serves its purpose. I just can't put my finger on why it seems out of place. Maybe it's the start of the conversation when Kalen asks Calla why she's staring at his crotch. He's clueless - and I only know this because I've read other parts of the story - but him realizing that she's looking just doesn't fit his personality. Most boys I knew/know needed to be beat upside the head to realize that a girl is interested in them. Kalen would need a large thump with a hard bat.

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

I like that idea too, but I'm going to have to figure out where in the book it happens. I think it'd need to be in this book because by the second one he might be a little less naive (or maybe not, because he's still Wes?) and anyway, I think Calla or somebody would stop him by then. In this book, they all kind of run around like crazy people and do whatever but I sort of envision there being less of that in the second one. I'll have to think on that one.

It does not surprise me that people do that IRL. ;-)

Oh! I thought you meant Robot Scrabble itself. I've been ditzy all week.

So here's what I was trying to convey there, and maybe if you have the inclination you can offer thoughts on how I might do it better? Kalen has a little bit of a crush on Calla at this point. I think it's probably his first crush ever, since he seemed to have no interest in girls before that (see chapter 3, as you pointed out there, too). She's not staring at his crotch at all but I think he might be overly aware of that part of his body at the moment. At least I think that was my logic for writing that line. Sometimes I just write things because they pop into my head, haha.

You're around teenagers more than I am, so you're probably better at this than I am. I'm totally up for suggestions for what to do there instead. I just want to convey crush and awkwardness. Although the crush isn't super plot-relevant, anyway, because apparently it gets kind of lost/forgotten after everything that happens after this.

Look, I'm rambling again!

[llblckraincloud.livejournal.com]

I like your story and your concept. Suggestions since you're looking for concrit:

First, I'd like to know right away that the protagonist is a girl because I thought she was a he up until she introduced herself. Also, give us an idea of how old she is. :) Then when time passes and she's married, give us another idea of her age and how much time is passing in general. You can fill in some gaps by adding in a scene of the wedding. What is her husband like exactly? That kind of stuff. :)

I love your style and your voice. It's clear and full of a lot of great powerful lines. :) You've really got an amazing start to this. I can see this going far!

I'll read more later. :D

[n3m3sis43.livejournal.com]

Yay! Fresh eyes and concrit. Thank you so much. :)

Do you have any suggestions for how to make it clearer what age she is without being awkward in first person? This whole chapter takes place over the course of a summer and she hasnt married Morgan yet at the end of it. I'd better think about how to make it clearer that she isn't married to him yet - was there a particular part that made it seem that way to you? He's... not the nicest guy and I originally wasn't going to reveal much about that until her backstory which is way near the end of the book. Only then she started going on about Morgan in like chapter 6 anyway so I guess I may as well reveal more about him from the start, ha.

Thank you so much for reading and taking the time to offer feedback. I'm glad you enjoyed this chapter. :)

first section

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I'd like to preface my concrit with this: I've never read any of your other stories (although I was aware of them because I saw them in the challenge posts for writerverse). So I'm reading about this universe for the first time.

Think of me as someone who just picked your book up at the store because the synopsis sounded interesting.

-----

First off I'd like to say I love the style. I thought the first section worked well although there were a couple word choices I might have changed (especially "All I want's to get..."). It sounds awkward to me.

Someone else mentioned not knowing the gender and age right off the bat. I guess because I read a lot of YA I just assumed the character was a girl so I read it like that. But you could make it more obvious where it says "thorns tore at my clothes," you could say they tore at her dress instead. Which sounds fitting considering the misogynist society she apparently lives in.

The age thing caught my attention right away. You mention boys her age a lot but never her age. There could be something where she mentions her age when she first meets Kalen (like he could ask her or she could just think, "he's about my age, seventeen," or something like that to clear it up.

I really, really liked the voices. Kalen sounds really laid back and amused at finding Calla in his "spot." But there's also the touch of sadness towards a future he doesn't want. Calla comes off as someone very angry with her life. Which with what little info she gives about it is justifiable. Her obvious desperation also justifies her quick friendship with Kalen.

I really liked the first section. It read very well. I could imagine this being a book I chose to read and found myself drawn in.

second section

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

It took me awhile to realize there was a time jump. And a significant one. I missed the point of him saying summer is half over. It just didn't connect with me that this was later on from the first part which made the whole thing sound off.

I really liked the writing and the little glimpses into their world. Robot Scrabble is an awesome idea. Although having modern like game names seemed off in what is obvious NOT our world. But I can accept that kind of stuff if the rest of the story sucks me in. Despite my initial confusion with the time jump I enjoyed the second part. I would have like to have gotten to know them more first. See their friendship grow or at least have that part mentioned so I know how things progressed from stranger to friends in half a summer.

I think it was the part about Kalen's crush that really threw me off. It seemed to pop out of nowhere with absolutely no explanation so it didn't feel real. Why does he have a crush on her? Is it simply because she's the first girl he's met that's nice? Is there something about her he likes specifically? Why doesn't Calla reciprocate? I like that she sees him as just a friend (even though everything I read has romance in it--it's good not to have the whole "love at first sight" thing right at the beginning).

The end of the 2nd section is what really had me hooked. I could ignore the jump from first meeting to friends because the idea of them going on an adventure to find a lost library really grabbed me. I was excited to find out what happened. What would they find? What would happen along the way? What about the "bedding down" which I imagined being pretty funny with the awkwardness.

But then none of that is shown. (on to section three)

The writing is still tight and the voices are still true.

section 3

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

This is where you lost me.

As someone reading this book for the first time with absolutely no knowledge of what will happen next or where the story is going I felt completely and utterly cheated out of the library adventure. Or getting to know either Calla or Kalen.

I instantly liked both characters, especially Kalen. From just the small glimpse of him. I wanted to learn more about him and his aversion to fighting (a lifestyle he's grown up in which should really shape his POV). I wanted to know more about Calla and what she thought of her society and her place in it.

But then it just jumps ahead to some point in the future with no warning and nothing makes sense. There's no library but now there's a bomb and they're willing to blow themselves up to make a statement? The writing seemed contrived, too. Their speech forced. I didn't like it. The characters sound completely different. Like they aged twenty years over the summer (because I was picturing them as 16-17 year olds since no age was given).

It felt more like "telling" not "showing" and his little speech about the start of the war was interesting information but it felt like an info dump instead of action. It felt like a lot was missing in the story.

As someone that reads a lot of teen novels I expected to at least follow them to the library even if nothing really exciting happened. Just to get to know them and find out what they learned. Then see them setting up their idea about the bomb (although that entire scenario didn't seem realistic--also I assumed they were together on Kalen's side but I kept thinking it would have worked better if Calla was on her side, Kalen on his and they were doing their little speech through the fence) so I understand their motivation. In that respect I guess I'd want to know more about the rebellion he mentions earlier that they aren't willing to fight in.

All in all the time jump from part 2 to part 3 felt like a cop-out to not have to write what actually happened. And I say this as someone who ADORED the first two parts (even though I think there could be something added between them to bridge the gap, explain that they've started meeting to hang out or whatever--it wouldn't even have to be long, just a paragraph or something at the beginning of part 2).

in the end

[jennickels.livejournal.com]

I, of course, am not trying to be mean. In fact this is the first time I've actually cared about a story enough to give concrit. You really sucked me in with the first two parts and I'd love to read that story... what happened after leading up to the bombing because it felt like huge chunks were missing. If what happens between Kalen and Calla really isn't important enough to the rest of the story to warrant writing it then maybe you should start somewhere else or make the 1st chapter read differently, like a memory of what happened that summer instead of being right in the action.

If Calla had been dreaming or reminiscing later in her life (something I gather from the other comments) she could just explain what happened that summer. Maybe start with the first part (the action) then have her recap the rest of what happened.

Although, personally, I'd like to see it all. The shortness of this "adventure" tells me this novel must be pretty involved if that's all we get of something huge that turns 2 strangers from opposite sides of a war into friends willing to blow themselves up to stop it only warrants 1 chapter.

As a reader I'd probably give the book a couple more chapters but if they kept up with the time jumps like that I'd but the book down and never finish it.

That's just my honest opinion. I really want to see this story unfold and published because the start was great. Reading it I could perfectly picture a few years down the road snuggling up with my hardcover copy of it with a big smile on my face. Obviously I have no idea where you're heading with this (other than you telling me it's dark and runs more to the new adult side of things).

I'm going to try to find the time to give the other chapters. This has made me want to go work on my novel,though. So off to write I go.